


The Walking Dead Chronicles - Negan and Miriam

by ShuffleFly



Category: Jeffrey Dean Morgan - Fandom, Negan - Fandom, The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:41:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 46,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28826124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShuffleFly/pseuds/ShuffleFly
Summary: Miriam is an ambitious young psychiatrist and Negan is a prisoner at the Alexandria Department of Corrections when they first meet. Follow the origins of their story and into the current state of the world. *Note this fanfiction is not canon to the comic books or the general story of TV show.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 7





	1. When we first met

Working in a prison is scary enough, but being twenty-six, a woman, and working in a men’s medium security prison is an entirely different game.

My name is Miriam Ash and this is how I came to know a very complex man and how he changed the entire course of my life.

* * *

I recently graduated from Howard University in DC with my doctorates in psychology. While only twenty-six, and one of H.U.’s youngest PhD graduates, I knew that this was exactly where I wanted to be since I was sixteen years old. Despite being at the top of my class in high school, I made the choice to drop out, obtain my GED, and enrolled at a local community college in West Virginia. By twenty-two I had begun my pursuit of my doctorates at Howard and had a vision for my future. It was important for me to grow and to change into a sophisticated woman; shunning the perceptions of my ideas of being a West Virginian woman, it was either be academically focused or face my fear of marrying some “hick” from my small W.V. town. I feared turning into my mother, whom I was now the full-time caretaker for; born in a small town, married in a small town, raising children in a small town, divorcing in a small town, and slowly being ravaged by a mental illness until I died in a small town.

This thought alone was my primary driver in life; do not, under any circumstances end up like mom. So, I shunned relationships, platonic and romantic and pushed myself everyday to become what I thought was the opposite of whatever my mother was, or I suppose still is, as I cared for her every need, day and night.

I was of course met with some resistance after my residency had ended. I wanted to do research in the prison system, specifically in the men’s prison system. My goal was to research five to ten prisons over the next decade and make my way to congress. I was going to be the woman to eradicate solitary confinement in the United States Justice System, and I was going to do all of this before forty. While I initially couldn’t get the funding for my study through the federal government, I was able to use my connections at H.U. to find private funds to help cover my expenses for the next year or two. And all this drive, my late-night studying, pursing to not simply be a ‘girl from West Virginia’ led me right into the arms of Negan.

That was simply what I’ve always referred to him as; just Negan. I met him the last hour of seeing patients on my first day at the Alexandria Detention Center. It was a rather cool start to autumn and I shivered a bit as I sat in my manilla colored cinder block office. Warden Bischoff at ADC kindly gave me a room that I presumed may have been a closet of sorts as there was barely enough space for my desk and a small chair to see my patients and zero windows. It was a back and forth battle between me protecting my patients under HIPPA and the prison insisting the door must remain open for my safety; we finally compromised on me wearing a panic button.

As I tried to warm myself, as a space heater was a potential weapon, Negan walked in, shackled around his ankles and his wrists behind his back.

I had read his file several times, and was curious to meet the man behind the lore. Several other patients prior had brought him up during our conversations; some fearing him, others admiring, most just annoyed.

He was six feet tall and had a salt and pepper beard, neatly trimmed, and a hair short enough, that it appeared to be shaved off completely from certain angles. “Good afternoon Mr…”

He stopped me short, “No need for formalities darlin’, just call me Negan.”

“Of course, Negan. I’m Dr. Ash and I’m glad that you're wanting to participate in my research study. My goal is to end…”

“Yeah, I read it, your, what do you call it, ‘dissertation’, I know what I’m here for.”

“Very well.” A pit was forming in my stomach. I felt so self-assured this morning, but his apparent annoyance with me, shook me. “So, Negan, since you know my goals, what are you hoping to achieve during your time in our session.”

A grin appears on Negan’s, face, “Listen to you, little girl sounds like a real doctor.”

“I am a real doctor.” I stared confidently back at Negan.

“Well I mean you went to school and what not, but you’re not a real doctor.”

“I am a real doctor,” I repeated more sternly.

“Alright then, perform brain surgery.”

“Mr…, Negan, you are aware that neurosurgery is a specialty. Not all medical doctors can perform or even give that type of care. So to be so specific in your idea of what constitutes a “real” or “unreal” doctor is flawed, and as the lead researcher of this program, I can decide which patients may continue with the program. Therefore, if you wish to continue this type of blatant attempt at sabotage, then I will make note that you are an inadequate candidate at this time. Of course, this will make early release a bit harder to achieve.” I smiled politely and maintained eye contact. I felt a surge of confidence, and was no longer cold in my office.

“Hot damn, the docs got fire folks.” Negan raised his hand, that were now cuffed in from of him. “I’ll back down.” I felt a tingle down my spine as we stared quietly at each other for a few moments. I cleared my throat and pulled out my notebook and began asking Negan questions.

At the end of our session, I sat at my laptop transcribing a few notes from a previous session. The clacking of keyboard filled the tiny space with a bit of tension; I felt eyes on me and looked up from my screen. “Did you need something Negan?”

“How old are you?”

“Excuse me?’

“I know polite society says that a gentleman should never ask a lady their age, but being that I’m a barbarian only fit to be locked in a cage, I was just curious how old you are.”

I was struck by Negan's eloquence, not because I thought he was an uneducated oaf, but I feared he may be using it as a way of manipulation, “You’re not barbaric, you’re a person.”

“Yeah, sure, thanks doc, so how old are you? Like thirty-five or something.”

“I’m twenty-six.”

“Twenty-six? How the fuck are you a doctor and only twenty-six?”

I noticed the guard pulling on Negan to get him out of the room, “That’s a conversation for another day I suppose.”

Negan allowed himself to be led away, “Yeah, another day. Same time tomorrow then?”

“Yes, same time tomorrow.” I shut my door and continued transcribing, but I couldn’t help but think of Negan. I was baffled by him; he was a college educated man himself, but also very brutish. He was funny, but serious. Kind, but menacing. I tried to think of a way to shake this feeling of attraction for him as I didn’t want personal feeling to cloud my judgement, but he was handsome and something in his eyes changed when I stood up to him.

I finished up my day and was headed home when I was approached by Warden Bischoff, “Ms. Ash, a moment of your time?”

“It’s Dr. Ash, and of course Mr. Bischoff.” I hated when aware people called me Ms., just a pet peeve, but particularly with men. Particularly men like Warden Bischoff; a middle-aged white man of below average height. He had a head full of silver hair and a mismatched mustache the he clearly was refusing to shave as a vain attempt to show people that he once had a black hair; as if this was a way to conceal the worn features of his face and trick people into thinking he was younger.

“Yes, sorry Dr. Ash. I was wondering if I could speak with you for a few moments about your first day.”

“Of course.” I followed Warden Bischoff to his spacious office with heat and almost three hundred and sixty degrees of windows. “Nice view,” I said looking around annoyed.

“Ms…I mean Dr. Ash, have a seat.” The warden gestured to a chair in front of his desk and offered me a glass of water.

I sat down waiting for some sort confrontation; I was used to by now. Men, especially men like Bischoff were threatened by women, particularly ones that they felt were smarter than them, hence calling me Ms. Ash instead of Dr., trying to downplay my accomplishments.

“So how was your first day,” the warden asked, handing me my drink.

“It was very good.”

“Wonderful, and no one gave you trouble?”

I smiled thinking about my interaction with Negan, “No.”

“Are you sure?”

My smile faded, “Yes. Did you hear otherwise?”

“Oh no, it’s just, well…” He lightly shook his glass of water, the ice cubes clinking against the sides of glass. The warden concentrated on the water, as if the response he was looking for would appear in the ripples.

“It’s just, what Warden Bischoff?”

“Well, you’re seeing a unique set of inmates. Some may even say notorious inmates.”

“Notorious?” I swallowed a scoff, and looked at the warden for more explanation.

The warden started down at his glass again, “Well notorious within these walls at least.” His eyes drifted back towards mine, seeking agreement from me.

I was confused and annoyed at the runaround, “Warden, who exactly are speaking about?”

“Inmate 19660422M”

I looked at him confused, was I supposed to be impressed that the warden had memorized an inmate’s number? “Who’s that?”

“Negan,” he said flatly.

“What about Negan are you needing to know?”

“Well, how was he?”

“He was fine.”

“Fine?” The warden seemed doubtful of my meeting with Negan.

“Yes, fine. He presented typical behavior of men raised by men of a certain generation to view behavioral health as some sort of witch craft, but after ensuring him that I was in control of this program and those who are eligible to participate, we came to an unspoken understanding,” I sipped my water, and then looked back at the warden, “And he was fine. Anything else?”

“No, no,” the warden seemed displeased, with what I hadn’t quite figured out.

“Then am I free to go?”

“Yes, of course, have a nice evening Ms. Ash.”

I breathed heavily out of my nose, “You as well Peter,” I said looking at the man who clearly couldn’t stand calling me doctor.

“I’m terribly sorry Dr. Ash, it’s just you’re so young and the idea that you’re a doctor is just, well, I suppose it doesn’t really matter. You earned you title just as much as I earned mine, so have a nice evening.”

I turned back around to leave when suddenly the warden stopped me one last time, “Dr. Ash, apologies, it’s just be careful with that one, he can turn people.”

“Turn people? Is Negan a vampire?”

“Dr. Ash, enough with the sarcasm, you know what I mean. He turned a few good guards into people now serving time at the minimum-security prison not far from here. Don’t let him get in here,” the warden said tapping his temple.

Stopping myself from rolling my eyes, I placated Warden Bischoff, “Sure thing.” I closed the door behind me and made my way to my car. I was ready for a long hot bath and a huge glass of wine after my first day, but that wouldn’t be happening.

As soon as I entered the front door my mother was sobbing hysterically about my brother Moses, my sweet younger brother who had died over twenty years ago in a freak accident. I could only imagine the guilt that a parent could carry losing a child that they were to protect. The in-home nurse sat rubbing her back, “Irene, Irene, there, there, Moses is in a better place. He’s in heaven, he’s being taken care by your parents. I know that you miss your son terribly, but he’s always in your heart.

I knew the nurse meant well, but my mother’s hysterics were so frequent, that I had stopped feeling any emotions towards them several years ago; “Mom, I’m home, would you like for me to start dinner?” The nurse looked at me with shock and concern as to why this woman’s own child was so nonchalant about the outburst.

“How can I eat, I should just do it, I should just go into the kitchen and get a knife and end it. I let down my baby and he’s gone and I’ll never get him back. I’ve been a terrible mother. I had two sons, one who doesn’t even acknowledge me and another that is dead. I’m terrible.” She began hitting herself in the head.

I looked over at the couch and stared, “Do you want me call your doctor? Maybe we can get you a bed for the night. I don’t like seeing you get so worked up. Let’s get some water and call Dr. Stuart.”

Swiftly shutting off the water works, my mother began foaming at the mouth, “Call the doctor? So you two can pump me full of drugs and tie me to a bed?”

“Mom, I just want to help, and I can’t. Let me call Dr. Stuart, he will be able to help you, maybe he’ll call in something to help you sleep.”

She was having none of it, “No, I will slit my wrists if you call him.”

I knew what my mother was doing, but as a behavioral health specialist, I knew that any threats of suicide had to be taken seriously and I was now required to call Dr. Stuart. In doing so, my mom would spend three nights at a hospital and get to come home and talk about how I abandoned her and how I’m a terrible person, when all I want to do is keep her alive.

The nurse begged me not to call, but she knew just as well as I did, that I had no choice. After the ambulance arrived and took my mother away, I called my brother to update him in on everything. I finally had some time to decompress and prepare for my second day at ADC.

I barely slept the night before; my mother called me when she arrived at the hospital and then I spent another two hours speaking with Dr. Stuart about what the next steps were. Having to decide if I should I place my mother in long-term care or bring her home, and I only had three days to make a choice. When it came times for Negan’s visit, I was running on empty and just wanted to leave.

“Hey Doc, how’s the weather today?”

I looked up from my computer screen, “I’m sorry, what?”

“I asked how the weather was? Get it, because I’ve been in prison for a over a year.”

“It’s not great, it’s been raining and it’s getting colder.” I realized that Negan didn’t really care about the weather, he was just making a joke; I cleared my throat and I began our session. “I want to pick up where we left off yesterday. I didn’t forget that you never answered my question?”

“What question?”

“About what you want to get out of these sessions with me?”

“Oh yeah, and early release couldn’t be my answer. Right?” I nodded, and Negan fidgeted in his chair trying to come up with an answer, “I don’t know Doc, I guess I’ve got issues and I can’t just beat people up for the rest of my life.”

“Is that how you really feel or is that what you think I want to hear?”

“You calling me a liar, Doc?” I sat quietly and looked at Negan. Using an old psychology trick of staying quiet to get the other person to talk was my only option at this point if I didn’t want to get taken advantage of by him. The silence was palpable, “Doc, what else do you want from me? I came here because it gets me out of my cell and off my pod for an hour a day. I don’t have to be Daddy to every fucking wimp and be in charge. Maybe for a few hours a week I can take a fucking break and not have to be the solution to every problem. Maybe I came here because I just want to have some peace and quiet.”

I nodded slightly, “Do you feel pressure to be an alpha?”

“What the fuck do you mean?”

“You know what I mean Negan. You have a reputation that precedes you; I was warned about you by more than a few people. So, I’m curious if you feel pressure to be an alpha when in a group? Do you feel a need to keep peace or maybe pressure to be a problem solver by any means necessary?”

“Doc, I’m not playing these games. I’m not gonna talk about my drunk father, and my emotionally absent mother, my wife’s death, and the reason I killed that asshole. So, if you don’t mind, I’d gonna put this chair against the wall and go to sleep.”

I don’t know what came over me, but tears burst from my eyes, “That’s fine, my entire career is just hindering on this research and I’m so fucking tired. I’m trying to be professional, and take care of my sick mother, and handle the rejection of being a woman in the medical field, and I just want to help people, but no, it’s fine Negan just take a fucking nap and waste my time and yours. I can’t do this today, and after today, I will find a replacement for your spot.” I took a deep breath and Negan’s eyes went wide.

“I’m sorry doll.”

“Excuse me,” I was fuming, “I’m not a doll, I’m a doctor. A real doctor Negan, I’m here with you right now, because I wanted to speak with you. I’ve read your file and all the articles I could about your case and I really thought that maybe you and I could make positive change. I know I probably sound like a naïve child, but I just want to help you, the other participants in this study, and hopefully future inmates.” I grabbed a tissue and blew my nose. “So forgive, but I don’t think you’re as bad as people think you are; I think you’re a big fucking phony to be honest and if you want spend the rest of your life in and out places like this, then leave now and don’t come back.”

Negan was silent for a few minutes; I was anticipating him laughing in my face and walking out the room, but something changed, “I’m sorry. I really am, I…I didn’t know that this was a serious thing. I’m sorry baby.”

“Negan, you may call me Dr. Ash, or Miriam, but you may not use such familiar terms with me.”

“Yeah, sorry about that again Doc. But I’ll talk, I’ll do whatever I can to help you. I didn’t think that was a serious thing.”

“Well what did you think it was Negan, a fucking ice cream social.” We both chuckled at my use of profanity.

“I guess not,” Negan smiled and I felt a blush rise to my cheeks.

“Well, should we start over?”

“That’s fine by me.”

Negan and I started our session over and it was much more personable; I learned more about Negan when he was younger. Talking about his parents and then how he married young and treated his wife terribly. How her death changed him and all his resentment about being an alpha personality.

“So can I ask you something Doc?”

“Ask anything you want; can’t promise I’ll answer it, but you can ask.”

“What’s wrong with your mom?”

“She’s mentally unwell. My brother Moses died when he was two years old and my mom never recovered. I’m sure she’s always had some problems, but it became very apparent when Moses died.’

“How’d he die?”

“He drowned. He was at a women’s house being watched while my mom was at work. He got out in the back, fell in the pool, and it was too late by the time he was found.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“It’s pretty awful, and her doctor and I had a long conversation about what I should do with her long-term care. I’m just not equipped to handle her.”

“But aren’t you a doctor, for loony people?”

“Negan, firstly, it’s not polite or correct to call someone with mental health issues ‘loony’, and secondly, I’m her daughter; it would be unethical for me to diagnose and/or treat her.”

“So what’s your plan?”

“I haven’t had time to really think about it, but if I went with my gut, I would have her admitted to a long-term care facility, but I also have doubts and guilt over that, so it’s been a rough few hours.” I sat quietly, “And I too apologize for my outburst. I should never have off loaded like that, especially with you.”

“Don’t mention it, I just thought you were somebody’s rich daughter and wanted to play doctor. Trying to be a hard ass, bragging about working in a prison and ‘changing lives’; I just wanted to fuck with you a bit and get you out of here.”

I tried not to smile, but I couldn’t resist Negan’s wide smile, “Thank you.” I heard a knock on the door and knew our time was up, “Well Negan, I’ll see you again tomorrow?”

“See you tomorrow.” 


	2. New Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What does the future hold for Negan and Miriam?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Trigger Warning: This chapter discusses rape and murder***

I sat at my desk staring at the letter repeatedly as the words jumped off the page: “Additional Funding Denied” – “No Conclusive Evidence” – “Non-Effective Measures” – “Eligible for Appeal”. My grant extension had been denied and this would be my last week at ADC. I couldn’t understand how this could have happened; my submissions over the last year had been nothing but positive and for a denial for funds seemed so out of blue. I began drafting my appeal during my lunch hour. I lost track of time when I heard a knock on my door to startle me back into reality.

“Hey Doc, we still meeting today?”

“Oh, my God” I jumped in my chair, “Negan, yes, come on in.”

Negan made his way in with his ankles and wrists shackled as always; I had tried several times to explain to the board and to the warden that none of these men, including Negan had ever done anything to make me feel unsafe. These men didn’t need to be shackled while with me, but of course Warden Bischoff made a point of saying that all it takes is giving inmates an inch and they would take advantage of me and the entire system.

“A little distracted today?”

“Just a bit. I found out that my grant funding has been denied and this is my last week here.”

Negan cast his eyes down, “Oh.” He caught himself and looked back at me, “Well that sucks for you.”

I gave him a tight-lipped smile, “It sure does, so let’s not waste any time.” Negan and I had a typical session where he would give non-answers to my questions and I would circle him back until he gave me an answer. Towards the end of the session though Negan surprised me. “So, Doc, if this is your last week here maybe we can talk about what happened to bring me here.”

“Negan, I already know.”

Negan tensed up, “No, you only know what that fucking file says and maybe what you heard on the news, but you don’t really know.” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes and turned his head up towards the tiled ceiling and buzzing fluorescent lights. “I was married for about fifteen years. I met my wife Lucille when we were in high school. We got married right after I graduated college and our daughter Hannah followed soon after. I was a terrible husband and even worse father. After Hannah was born, I had my first affair; I mean I flirted with women, I asked for numbers, I kissed my occasionally barfly, but I never fucked anyone. Then Hannah changed everything; Lucille was different. She doted on that baby and I know that’s what a mother does, but it pissed me off. I guess having a fucked-up relationship with my own mom made me resent her.” Negan chuckled lightly, “Imagine me, 6’ 1”, 230 pounds, jealous of a baby, but I was. So, I went out the night Lucille and the baby came home from the hospital and found some random woman at the local bar. We drank the night away, dancing and laughing. She asked me back to her place and I said ‘sure’. We fucked all night. It was great. And Lucille was so tired from giving birth and taking care of Hannah that she didn’t even notice. So, I screwed around for a long time.”

I caught myself holding my breath, dare I unsettle the magic that was in the room at that moment.

“Lucille found out from some gossiping bitch around town, but she remained with me. Right after our fourteenth wedding anniversary we found out she had cancer. Thirty-five years old and she had breast cancer. Lucille was young and we figured that she would pull through. I stopped screwing around for a bit there; I don’t believe in God so to speak, but I figured this was some sort of punishment for being such a dick to a wonderful woman. Lucille went to chemo for six months when we found out that the cancer had spread to her brain. And then…” Negan paused, blinking back tears, “Then she said she didn’t want to do this anymore. All her hair had fallen out, she couldn’t eat anything, and she was rail thin. And she said that she just wanted to be the best mom to Hannah that she could be with what little time she may have left.”

“I took Lucille home, made her comfortable and Hannah and I got to spend one last Christmas with her before she died. It was a huge adjustment to being a single father; I never really took care of Hannah, nor were we close, but after Lucille, I did everything in my power to protect that girl, but it wasn’t enough. Hannah was only fifteen when Lucille died and I didn’t know anything about teenage girls, other than teenage boys want to fuck them; so, I became hyper attentive of Hannah. Boy oh boy did we fight.” Negan laughed, “I made all these rules, and every time I had a new one Hannah would fight tooth and nail over it, ‘you never did anything for me before mom died, and now you want to take charge’, she was a firecracker. Then one day she comes home late from drama practice or art club with a hickey on her neck and I lost my shit. I was terrible to her, grounded her and made her tell me the boy’s name, which she wouldn’t do, and we screamed back and forth at each other all night. I finally tired myself out and when I woke up the next morning, she was gone. Her bedroom window was left open and I remember feeling the cold March air and I felt it in my gut that something bad had happened to her. I called the hospitals and when none of them had a record of her, I called the police.”

Negan became agitated with the memories, “She was gone for four days before they found her body. It had been snowing for a few days prior and when she was discovered half-naked in the woods, her skin almost matched the ground. She had snowflakes on her eyelashes and her lips were so blue they were almost black. And I let out this sound that was so primitive that it didn’t even sound human. The coroner said that she had been raped and that she died from blunt force trauma to the head.”

I felt tears forming in my eyes and tired to discreetly brush them away, as Negan continued, “I decided that I had nothing left to live for and thought that I would just end it all, but first I needed some liquid courage and it was there at my typical watering hole that I first heard his name, ‘Bobby Sanderson’. I already knew his name after being the gym teacher at the high school; Bobby was me when I was seventeen. A real prick that got what he wanted. As I sat in a dark corner drinking myself into oblivion, I heard the whispers and pieced together the story. Bobby and Hannah were apparently dating; Bobby was at a party with her the night she went missing; they disappeared upstairs; Hannah came running downstairs crying; Bobby followed her; and my daughter was found dead four days later.

That was all I needed to hear. I finished my bourbon and headed over to the Sanderson house. I knew that night someone was going to end up dead, but it wasn’t going to be, at least not anymore. I stalked my way over to Bobby’s bedroom window and snatched that fucker right out of his bed and dragged his ass out to the very spot that Hannah was found. It took him all of five seconds to start blabbering and confessing. ‘I did it; I’m sorry; I’ll turn myself in’, but I wasn’t in the mood. I had brought a bat down with us and bashed that assholes head in, and then I headed straight to the police station with his corpse in the backseat of my car. And I guess everything else that you need to know is in that file.”

We both sat there with only the buzzing of the analog clock on the wall to fill the silence. I let go of my breath, “Thank you.”

“For what,” Negan asked.

“For opening up to me. I know it wasn’t easy doing that.”

“Well, it’s not like I’m ever going to see you after today.” And Negan was right. This was my last week. I would only see him a few more times and then there was always fate; maybe one day we would meet again.

* * *

I finished out my week with all my patients, but my heart was aching to say goodbye to Negan. I kept wondering why it was so different with him, why I laid awake each night since my rejection letter thinking of him, even finding myself on the verge of tears as I thought about Friday being my last day, possibly my last chance to see Negan, to…to what? What was I feeling that made it so hard to say goodbye to only him?

It wasn’t until I heard the shuffling of shackled ankles coming towards my office for my finally appointment with Negan that I suddenly realized that I was falling in love with him. I pushed the feeling deep down; the phenomenon of transference was nothing new in the mental health field. Most often patients, but sometimes even doctors, experience feelings of love. The act of being listened to, or the idea of helping someone perceived as unreachable, can trigger a sense of a bond that simply isn’t real.

It had to be the explanation, I had been spending five hours a week with a man that everyone around me deemed dangerous, untouchable, manipulative; but what Negan and I had developed over the last year was a foundation of trust. Negan knew that I took him seriously and he knew that I would call him on his bullshit. Simply put, I only thought I was in love with him, it would be gone once I had a change of environment.

“Well doc, it’s the last day.”

“Yes, it is; how are you feeling about that?”

“I feel okay, I mean this got me out of my cell an extra hour a week, so I’ll miss that, but it’s not like I’m a changed man whose all-in touch with his feelings. I’m not soft.”

I couldn’t help myself, I let out a small laugh, “Negan I wouldn’t expect anything else from you.” I made eye contact with him and I felt a warm sensation rise from chest all the way up to my cheeks.

“Are you blushing doc?” And I couldn’t help it, I laughed again, and I couldn’t stop. Negan looked at me bewildered, “Are you high?”

I calmed myself slightly, “No, I’m just feeling like if I don’t laugh, I might cry.”

Negan looked befuddled, “Cry, why? You gonna miss me?”

And just like that the water works happened, “You know what Negan, I think I will.” I don’t know why I shared that with him, but it felt so freeing knowing that we wouldn’t see each other again that I decided there was no sense in hiding it. “I really am going to miss you. I don’t know why? You’ve been a pain in my ass most the time we had sessions, but you made me laugh, and cry, and challenged me in ways that I think are going to make me a damn good doctor.” I wiped my eyes with a tissue and clenched the cloth in my hands, “Thank you.”

Negan burst out laughing with a deep bellow, a true belly laugh, “Jesus Christ doc, I’m gonna miss you to. You seem a little nutty with all your theories, but I’m definitely going to miss you too.”

Negan and I spent the remainder of our time just chatting like old friends and a rap on the door brought us back to reality. Negan rose from his chair and I followed, walking him out the door, “One sec,” Negan said to the guard, “let me ask you something doc, what do you think would happen if I kissed you right now?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat, “Well…” I stammered, completely caught off guard, “Well I think you probably would get a few days in solitary, something I don’t want to see happen to you.”

Negan gave a wide grin, “But I think it would be worth every second of it. What do you think?” Negan looked at the guard who was waiting; he was either going to be taking Negan back to his cell or wrestling a man who was at least five inches taller than him to solitary, “Fuck it.” Negan bent down and kissed me with such passion I thought I might die. And just as quickly as his lips touched mine, they were torn away. The guard pushed Negan up against the wall and with a face half smashed against cold cinder blocks I heard him say, “Definitely worth it.” Negan complied and was happily taken to solitary.

I went back in my office gobsmacked. I finished packing up my belongings and headed to Human Resources to turn in my keys and badge. As I turned to leave, I was met by Warden Bischoff, “A moment Miss, I mean Doctor Ash?”

“Sure Warden,” and I followed him to his office.

After closing his door, Warden Bischoff gestured to his drink cart, “Would you like anything?”

“No thank you.”

“Very well.” He began pouring himself a scotch, “So how was your last day?”

“Typical.”

“Just typical?”

I became concerned with his questioning, “Yes, typical? Have you heard otherwise?”

“Well, I heard that Negan kissed you. Is that a typical part of your therapy?”

“With all due respect sir, I was caught off guard, under different circumstances, I believe that I would have had a better chance to handle the situation. However, yes, Negan did in fact kiss me?”

“According to my guard, Negan not only kissed you, but asked to kiss.”

“Can I ask what exactly your problem with me is, I didn’t ask Negan to kiss me.”

“But you did nothing to stop it.” He tsked his tongue, “Not very professional.”

“And drinking on the job is?” I pointed to the glass of scotch now almost empty.

“Listen here girly, you may think you’re so smart, but I’ll have you know that I have a lot of pull in this city and if you think being a smart-aleck little…” he caught himself.

“Little what Warden? A bitch, a cunt?” I stared straight at this man and challenged him. “I’ve heard it all before so say what you want to say, it’s nothing new or inventive.”

He finished his scotch in one last gulp, “Let’s just say that it’s probably best that we aren’t under the same roof anymore.”

I got up from my chair and headed for the door, “By the way Warden, you are a sad, pathetic little man, and I doubt that no one is happier than me having to not see your face anymore.” I slammed his office door shut before he had an opportunity to rebuff me. I walked to my car and headed home for a long hot bath and tall cold glass of wine.

After I finally felt relaxed, I sat on the couch and flipped through the tv channels, before settling on the news. It was then that I saw the top story. The news woman spoke, “And hospitals are scrambling to see what exactly is causing such a surge in patients arriving at the E.R. Waiting rooms have been packed for the last forty-eight hours with patients all exhibiting similar symptoms; fever, chills, and a strange rash. We spoke with Dr. Alexander Newman, chief of staff at Memorial Hospital.”

“We’re asking all people experiencing these symptoms to please wait at least twenty-four hours to see if symptoms improve. Right now, Memorial is running non-stop and we simply aren’t adequately staffed to deal with such a patient load. I’ve also spoke with the other three hospitals in the region and they too are asking people to either wait and see if symptoms improve, or to call and see their primary health physicians.”

I was so out of the loop, I hadn’t heard anything about this illness, was it a flu? It was just then that I heard a banging on my front door. I looked through the peephole and it was my brother, “Aaron, what are you doing here?”

He was white as a sheet, “Have you seen the news?”

“I was just watching it.”

Aaron grabbed the remote, “Look at this.” He changed the channel to CNN, “They’re reporting that some of the people who have this new virus are dying and coming back to life.”

I stared at my brother with skepticism and concern that he was having a mental break, “Aaron, what do you mean dying and coming back to life?”

“Look. Just watch!”

I turned my attention fully to the tv and there was a different anchor giving live coverage at New York City hospital, “Yes, as you can see behind me, the national guard are blocking the entrance to Presbyterian Hospital, the largest hospital in New York. According to a source inside the hospital, that wishes to remain anonymous, tells me that a patient died after being admitted for flu like symptoms. The deceased patient then came back to life, according to my source, and that the patient attacked staff and other patients by biting them. My source also noted that the patient who was declared dead, didn’t appear to respond to commands from the security office on staff, or to the tasering that the office inflicted on the patient in an apparent attempt to get them to comply with orders. It was only after a NYC police officer responded to the scene that the patient was shot once in the chest, which didn’t stop them either, that the police officer fired a shot into the head of the individual, who apparently was then once again declared deceased.” The anchor continued, but I was too shocked to listen.

“Aaron, what is going on?”

“I don’t know, but New York isn’t that far and something tells me that we need to move out of the city.”

My brother was normally a very composed and rational person, but seeing him so erratic frightened me, “Aaron, can you focus on me for five deep breaths.” I gently guided Aaron’s face away from the TV towards mine, “Aaron, focus on me and mirror my breathing.”

He dismissed me, “Miriam, listen to me, I know I sound nuts, okay. I get that, but the National Guard is being deployed in DC and we need to leave. Eric has a cabin out east, it has plenty of supplies, water, electricity, and everything that we could need for at least six months. Something tells me that this is a big deal and I just don’t feel right leaving you here. Please come with me?”

I knew my brother, he was my best friend, and Aaron wasn’t one to over react so I began packing. It was strange packing, thinking that I wouldn’t be back to my apartment for possibly six months, so I took what I could fit into two large suitcases and followed Aaron to a waiting car with Eric already inside.

* * *

We drove for two hours listening to the radio. Reports kept coming in that the National Guard had been deployed in DC as Aaron had said would happen. I began to feel a fear that I hadn’t experience before; I leaned forward and squeezed Aaron’s shoulder as he sat in the front seat. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it back.

When we finally arrive at the cabin, I made my way to one of the three room and laid down. I tried to sleep, but every sound made me think that it was one of those…creatures were coming to get one of us in the cabin.

In the morning, Aaron and Eric went to retrieve our mother from the nursing home that she was staying in and brought her back to stay with us.

It felt strange, but being here with my brother and my mother brought a sense of calmness to me and I prepared myself to life in this cabin for the foreseeable future.


	3. How will I survive?

It was strange living in this new world; it seemed impossible, but everyday was worse than the day before. It had been weeks since there were any updates from the Mayor of DC all the way up to the President. News was sporadic and it was becoming apparent that we were now going to need to fend for ourselves.

Luckily for us, the generators were holding up well and supplies were plentiful. The woods around the cabin were mostly quiet, but a few creatures were starting to stagger through the trees. Aaron and Eric were becoming quite the marksmen and I was learning to shoot, not well enough to defend myself, but I was practicing. Life seemed ideal despite the world around us, and I started to feel comfortable and almost safe.

How foolish I was though. Mom was getting agitated; we had run out of her medication and Eric and Aaron made the decision that they would venture into the city and see if there were any pharmacies that they could get access to her medicines. They took with them her empty pill bottles and left despite my protests that only one of them should go, but really, they both should stay.

“Miriam, you’ll be fine.” Eric reassured me.

“I don’t think I will be, what if…what if one of those things comes by here? What if someone else comes by?”

Eric hugged me, “Sis, you’ll be okay. No one has bothered us in the last six weeks, and those creatures only come by every few days. You have a shotgun and if you both stay quiet, they won’t even know you’re here. I know cell service is spotty, but if we get any, I’ll try to call you.”

I began to cry, “Aaron, I’m just so scared being separated from you two. Why don’t we all just go?”

Eric and Aaron insisted that it was best for mom if I stayed at the cabin with her; they left in a small car and I prayed that I would see them soon.

When the sun had set, I knew something had happened. A pit in my stomach formed as I lit an oil lamp, giving off just enough light to make dinner for my mother and me.

“I bet he’s dead.”

“Mom, please don’t start.”

“I bet they’re both dead. Two sissy boys like that.”

I slammed down the kitchen knife I was using to cut a tomato, “Stop it,” I yelled, “Just shut up. They’ll be back soon enough.” My mother was stunned into silence; I’ve never spoke to her like that before and she shuffled back to her room, shutting the door quietly.

I finished making dinner and knocked on the bedroom door, “Mom, dinner is ready.” I opened the door to find my mother reading a book and refusing to look up at me, “Mom, I’m sorry that I yelled at you. I know that you didn’t mean what you said.”

My mother closed her book and looked at me, “I hope that they didn’t die, and that they abandoned you. You’re a little bitch and I hope that my cancer takes me in the middle of the night. I hope I turn into one of those creatures and then I’ll eat you alive.”

I didn’t even know how to respond to her at that moment, so I just placed her dinner in front of her and went back to the kitchen. I managed to eat a few bites of food before I became to preoccupied with thoughts of Aaron and Eric.

Suddenly my phone rang, I ran to it and answered, “Aaron, oh thank God, where are you? Are you okay?”

“Doc, doc…calm down. It’s Negan.”

Negan? But how? “What?” was all I could muster.

“Doc, it’s Negan. I’m finally free from my cell. And I found your phone number in an office here at the prison.”

“Negan, what are you talking about.”

“Listen, I don’t know how much time I have to talk. The connection is shitty, but the short story is Bischoff and the guards left us here to die, and we finally managed to get out. I’m heading out, I’m free…” and then the line went dead.

“Negan. Negan? Negan!” I was so confused. I tried countless times to call the number back, but my phone would no longer connect. I laid down on the couch and clutched my phone to my chest. I just couldn’t do it anymore and I began to sob uncontrollably.

I wasn’t exactly sure when I fell asleep, but the sun shone brightly through the thin living room curtains. I covered my eyes with a cupped hand and rolled over, burying my head under a pillow. I slept for a few more hours, only rising sometime after noon. When I looked out the window and didn’t see Aaron, Eric, or the car, I felt it was better to assume they were gone then to hope for their return.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My mother and I managed to survive for the next five months together. Supplies were lasting longer since it was now just us two, and my continued practice was making me a better marksperson. I was starting to feel stronger in my ability to take care of us. I had made peace that Aaron and Eric were most likely dead, and I planned on living the rest of my days taking care of my mother.

And just like before, settling back into my new normal, life threw us another curve ball when a beautiful bright day had turned into scene straight out of the Wizard of Oz. The sky shifted from a beautiful sky blue to a dark grey. Rumbling thunder shook the window panes so violently I feared that they would burst.

My mother kept staring out the window, “Looks like tornado weather.”

“Mother, will you be stop. It’s just a thunderstorm.”

“Come look Miriam, imagine a tornado coming down and ripping apart the house.”

“Mom, get away from the window.”

“Why? It’s not like I care, I mean if it’s not a tornado that will kill me, it’s the cancer.”

Again, she brought up this cancer. Prior to the world ending, my mother nor her doctors, had ever mentioned cancer. I assumed it was just her mental illness convincing her that she had cancer, but I also knew that I didn’t have the time for it. It was then that the floor below us shook and the brightest lighting struck a nearby tree. It cracked and a huge branch fell on the roof, damaging it. The rain poured in and I ushered my mother into the bathroom where we took refuge in the tub. The storm raged on for several terrifying hours.

When the earth was once again quiet, I carefully opened the bathroom door to assess the damage. It looked around and knew it wouldn’t be safe to stay here anymore. I began packing up the station wagon left behind and prayed that it would start. And luck was on our side, at least for this time, and the engine roared. I left the car running, still with a tank full of gas, as helped my mother inside and started loading anything that would be useful to us as we headed out into the unknown.

We headed out onto the road and I fiddled with the radio trying to see if I could find any news. I wasn’t sure exactly where we were heading, but I headed further east, figuring that Aaron and Eric were lost to the city back west. I figured we would drive until we found another house to stay in or we ran out of gas.

Unfortunately, the latter happened more quickly than I had expected, and we only made it about fifty miles from the cabin. I slammed my palms into the steering wheel curing everything around me, and my mother just sat there staring into space.

I loaded a backpack with whatever I could care, and started hoping to find a place to shelter in for the night.

The thick humidity in the air made us extremely sweaty, and our clothes hung onto our bodies, making us feel more hot and tired.

“Miriam,” my mother huffed, “can we stop for a moment.”

I looked at my mom, sweat soaked and red faced, “of course mom.”

We found a shady tree to sit under and my mother seemed to have a moment of clarity, “Miriam, I need you survive. I don’t care what happens to me, I don’t care if one of those things comes after us, let them take me. Just run. Drop the bag, and run. Hide. Get away from it. I’m a crazy old woman, and I’m dying.”

“Mother, you’re not dying.”

“Listen to me, I’m dying. I have cancer. I found out a few days before your brother came and got me.”

I wanted to cry, but I didn’t have the strength, “Mom, I’m sorry. I…I…”

“I know that I’m ill, so it’s fine. You just take care of yourself.”

Our break finished and we continued into the unknown. Suddenly a cool breeze brought about more grey clouds, and another thunderstorm. We did the best we could to walk through it, but it just became unbearable. The rain pelted down on skin like a thousand bee stings and we ventured into the woods trying to find something to hide under.

The storm raged on as the water pelted down on us. The lightening illuminated the sky and I saw the creatures lurking towards us. I held my mother as close to me as I could and I knew this was the end. The groans were closing in on us and I closed my eyes. And just as I thought the end was upon another flash of lightening filled up my surrounds to the silhouettes of five men attacking the creatures that were destined to put a bitter end to this for us both. The thudding of bodies hitting the ground was only a relief if the men were here to help us. While time felt still, I realized who my rescuer was.

“Well look who we have here,” Negan said lending his hand out to me. I hesitantly grabbed it and he pulled me up from the muddy ground. I stayed silent as he guided me and my mother and I towards a factor.


	4. Welcome to the Sanctuary

“Well ladies, here’s a room for you two, showers down the hall. Help yourself to whatever you may need. I’ll have someone bring you fresh clothes and something to eat.” Negan left us just a quickly as he had found us. I was dumbfounded; how, how could this be real?

I opened the door to a dimly lit hallway with concrete floors and felt the overwhelming nature of this strange place. My mother and I walked down the hallway in the direction that Negan had motioned to. We found fresh towels along with bathrobes, and real hot water; unlike the barely tolerable water back the cabin. After we ventured back to our room fresh clothes were laid out for us both, but only mine had a note:

I hope you’ll join me for dinner. Dwight will lead the way. - Negan

Dwight? Who was Dwight? I dressed and informed my mom that I would was being asked to meet with the man who saved us. “Enjoy.” She turned her attention back to the food before her.

I opened the door to a man with blonde hair, “Are you by chance Dwight?”

“Follow me," was all he said as he led me through a maze of hallways, bring me to a huge metal door and opened it; there I saw four others, three additional men and one woman standing around and talking. All of that ceased when I entered; they cast their eyes at me and I felt myself shrinking in my already oversized t-shirt.

It was then that a melodic whistle echoed off the concrete walls outside the door and everyone dropped to their knee. I was perplexed by the group of other adults suddenly waist high to me as I turned to see Negan at the door. The bunker lights in the hallway illuminated him from behind making him appear only in silhouette. I could barely make out the smile across his lips, “Do you want some chicken?”

“Ex…excuse me?”

“Chicken? Do you want some chicken for dinner, with some potatoes and maybe some white wine? You strike me as a white wine kind of gal.”

I didn’t know what else to say, so I simply nodded yes.

“Great, chicken it is. How about a salad too?”

“Sure. But no wine, just water.”

“Just water, it is.” He looked down at Dwight, “For us both.” Everyone took their cue to leave and then it was just us two. Negan gestured to a seat as he walked to the chair directly across from me. “Well, well, well.” He sucked his teeth and leered at me like prey. I swallowed a shallow breath. “So, how are you?”

“Polite or real answer?”

“Shit, how about the real answer. Thrill me.”

“I’m confused. I think that maybe this is heaven, or quite possibly hell, and I died back there. Me and my mother, we’re actually dead and this is where I am now spending eternity.”

Negan let out a burst of laughter, “You know I didn’t realize how much I missed your weird humor.”

“Um…thank you…I think.” I flashed a small, but quick, smile.

“Come on Doc,” Negan cocked his head to one side, “You don’t need to be scared, it’s me. Negan. Or is it different now that I have free range of motion?” He got up from his chair and dragged his leather clad gloved hand across the table as he stalked towards me and came inches from the side of my face, causing me to instantly tense, “You know, seeing you like this, a deer in headlights, has really turned me on.”

My breath hitched and my pulse quickened causing my chest to rise and fall rapidly. Negan stood back up and let out a laugh, as he firmly patted my back casing me to rock forward slightly. Just then there was a knock on the door and dinner was served.

“Thank you,” I mustered a smile to the woman who had brought in our food.

“Yeah, whatever, don’t mention it.” She seemed hostile, “Anything else Sir?”

“Unless my guest requires anything else?” I forced myself to make eye contact with Negan and shook my ‘no’; “Then we’re alright.” The woman bowed her head and shut the door on the way out, which I feared would happen.

Negan began chowing down until he noticed that I hadn’t moved my hands from my lap, “You can eat,” he said still chewing a bit of chicken. I carefully picked up the knife and fork and cut into the potatoes and took a bite, “Want some butter? It’s fresh, some lady here makes it for us.” I only nodded my head ‘yes’. Negan slid the butter across the table and I reflectively caught it and spread it on the steaming hot vegetables before me.

We both sat quietly and ate; after a while I looked at Negan, “I actually think I might take that glass of wine now.”

Negan finished well before I did and propped his feet on the table while I continued to eat, “So what do you think of my place, doc?”

“It’s hard to tell in the middle of the night, but it seems safe.”

“Good, I’m glad you know that you’re safe here.”

I wasn’t sure if it was from the exhaustion, the confusion or both, but I started to weep, “I didn’t say that I felt safe, it just seems safe. I know that I won’t be attacked by those creatures at the very least. As for the rest of it, the jury’s still out.”

Negan came over to me, “You’re acting like you don’t know my deepest, darkest, secrets. You act like you don’t know me, doc.”

“Negan, we haven’t seen each other in almost six months. The last time I heard your voice was on a broken phone call where you had just broken out of your cell. And to be fair I was your psychiatrist in a very controlled environment. I don’t know anything about Negan in this world.”

“For some reason I expected this to go differently when I realized that it was you out there.” Negan became retrospective for a moment, “Why don’t you get some sleep and in the morning, I’ll show you around and we can reacquaint ourselves. Get to know ‘Negan in this world’. Deal?”

“Deal.” Negan walked me back to the room where I would be sleeping. Outside the door we both stood there staring at each other. I felt a wave of emotions; I was terrified of the man before me, but also felt a strange pull towards him. I was the first to break the gaze by casting my eyes downward, “I’ll see you in the morning.”

Negan’s voice sounded deflated, “Yeah, see you in the morning.”

I closed the door behind me and held my breath as I listened to Negan’s footsteps echo down the hallway.

* * *

The sun shone brightly through two small windows high up on a wall directly across from the bed where I slept. I sat up with the covers around me and brought my knees up towards my chest. My mother was still sound asleep and I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. Would Negan send for me; was that Dwight guy standing guard outside my room all night; could I just get up and wander around? My questions were all answered when there was a soft knock on the door. To my surprise it wasn’t Negan or Dwight, but a man about Negan’s age who was balding and had a mustache, “Good, you’re awake. Negan wanted you have these and asked when you’re ready he would like to meet you for breakfast.” I took the brown paper bag that the man was handing me and told him to just give me a few minutes.

Inside the bag were different clothes, more feminine clothing, not my style of course, but it wasn’t an oversize grey t-shirt and matching sweatpants. As I pulled the clothes out the bag, I noticed there was also some toothpaste, two toothbrushes, floss, a hairbrush, and some hair ties. As I got ready, my mother awoke, “Where are you off to now?”

“Negan wants to have breakfast with me this morning.”

Back to her usual self, my mother became instantly agitated, “I suppose I’ll just stay here and starve.”

I attempted to her kiss her cheek, but she pulled away, “I’ll make sure that you get something to eat, don’t worry.”

I met the mystery man back out in the hallway and began our short walk to meet Negan. I tried to start a conversation, “So where’s Dwight?”

“How the hell should I know, I’m not his keeper.” Clearly the man wasn’t a conversationalist and I remained quit as we kept walking. In the day the ominous factory setting seemed less harsh as the lights were brighter and I could hear chatter and commotion of other people inside and out of the building. When we arrived outside the same metal door as the night before the man escorting me knocked, open the door, and immediately kneeled.

“Good morning, how did you sleep?” Negan was already eating what appeared to be eggs and toast.

“I slept well enough, thank you for asking.” I saw myself to the same chair from the night before and a plate was immediately placed in front of me.

The man kneeling remained where he was, “Dismissed Simon, come find me later today, we have some plans that we need to discuss.”

“Yes sir.” Simon got up and left, closing the door behind him.

Negan took a long sip of coffee, “Want any?”

“No thank you, but if you have any orange juice, I’d take some of that.” And like magic, a glass appeared before me.

“It’s fresh squeezed too.”

I took a sip, and nodded approvingly to Negan, “It’s very good.”

“We have almost anything you could ask for here. Chef over there is still working out the kinks on cheese, but you’re getting close, aren’t you buddy.”

A tall, broad shoulder man stood over a few hot plates, “Yes sir.”

“So, tell me,” Negan began, “about your mom, right?”

“Yes. What would you like to know?”

“I don’t know, what’s her deal?”

“Well, she’s in her late sixties and I found out about twenty-four hours ago that she has cancer, so I’m trying to process that and how that’s all going to work in a world like this. And she’s also dealing with unmedicated manic depression."

“Just tell me what I can do to make her comfortable and I’ll make sure it happens, by any means necessary.” The way he said that last phrase made me nervous.

“Thank you, I’ll make sure to pass along the information.” We finished up and then Negan offered to give me a tour of the facility. We started right in the room where we were.

“I like to call this the ‘War Room’, it’s also where I have all my meals when I’m dining with others. Let’s see, you met Chef, he does chef things and he’s in charge of managing all the points and inventory of the food.”

I furrowed my brow, “Points?”

“I’ll explain later. Shall we?” Negan offered his arm and I accepted politely, as I feared what would happen if I rejected him and we strolled through the grounds. Whenever we passed any person, they would kneel to Negan.

“What's with that,” I asked pointing to a young woman and what appeared to a toddler, also kneeling.

“Just showing their gratitude for all that I provide.”

“And what exactly do you provide?”

“Again darlin’, I’ll explain later.”

Negan showed me all the grounds; the armory, the kitchen, the barber, the doctor’s office, the showers, the gardens, and as we rounded a corner, I became overcome with fear and buried my face into Negan’s chest as I let out a muffled yell.

Negan took delight in this, “No fear sugar, that is just our…how do I explain this,” he scratched at his beard, “our own personal Thunderdome, if you get the reference.” I did, but seeing those creatures chained up by their necks as they shuffled the few feet of allowance made my skin crawl. The smell of decomposing flesh was unbearable and the sound of gnashing rotten teeth mixed with the gurgling salvia made my stomach churn.

“Negan why…why do you have these?”

“Let’s head back to the ‘War Room’ and I’ll explain everything. I hadn’t noticed that I now clung to Negan with my arms wrapped around his waist as he escorted me back to where the tour began. When we got back and I detached myself, I felt strange with my overbearing affection for a man that had people kneeling at him like a king or possibly a dictator, and that kept undead creatures chained up like guard dogs. He pulled out a chair for me and asked Chef to get me some water. “I’m sure you have lots of questions.”

“I do, but where do I begin. I guess I should ask about the kneeling.”

“It’s all a show of gratitude. I find individuals that can’t fend for themselves and offer them sanctuary. They’ll have room and board, along with other amenities all for a price of course. Most people here work for me; they either go scavenging, or offer a professional service, such as our barber or the doctor.”

“It sounds like a utopia, if not for the cage full of creatures that you have here as some form of punishment?”

“If people follow the rules, then they have no need to worry. But sometimes people act up and they need to be taught a lesson.”

A nodded my head in a small sway of understanding, “And what would those infractions include?”

“Lying, stealing, rape. All the same as before, but the punishment is a bit different.”

“And what about this points system?”

“It all depends on what you do? If you’re a clinger, hanging out just trying to see the sunrise on a new day, you get a cot and enough food to survive, very minimal. No extras! Simon, Dwight, Laura are all my assistants are given unlimited points. As are my wives.”

I choked on my water, “I’m sorry…did you say wives?" I wiped the wetness away from my chin, "As in more than one?”

“Six to be exact," Negan offered his typical shit-eating grin, "and that’s where you come in; see you told me that you mom is sick, and I really do want to make her as comfortable as possible, if only for your peace of mind, but that kind care uses a lot of points. The way I see it, you can work yourself to death covering points for both your mother and yourself, or…” Negan paused and gave me a once over, “you can join me as lucky number seven and all debt is forgiven. You and mom both live comfortably.”


	5. Lucky number seven?

“You can join me as lucky number seven and all debt is forgiven. You and mom both live comfortably.”

“Wait a minute,” I felt the blood pulsating through my ears, “You… _you_ want me to be your wife?”

“Well, the seventh wife, but yes.”

“But why?”

Negan looked at me with bewilderment, “Why not?”

I tried to think of an adequate answer, “Because, I’m…” I almost blurted out the wrong thing, “Well, because I’m me.”

Negan smiled, “And what’s wrong with you?”

“I mean nothing out right, but you’re _you_ , and…”

“Oh doc, you’re gonna make me blush, are you saying that I’m out of you league?” I had always found Negan handsome, but it was laughable that we would ever be anything more than doctor and patient. “You know,” Negan interrupted my thoughts, “I’ve always thought you were sexy.” I sucked my cheeks in to keep from smiling, and looked up at the corner of the ceiling. Negan came over to me and took my hand, raising me from my chair. We stared at each other in the eyes, “That very first day that I saw you,” His voice was a husky tone, “You had your brown hair up in that bun, with your clear rimmed glasses.” He leaned down and kissed my neck, “Glad to see you still have them.”

I felt my knees get weak and my breath becoming shallow with desire, “Negan…” fell with a hushed tone from my lips.

“We could do this every day,” as he moved up to my earlobe and began sucking on it, “But all you have to do is say ‘yes’.” He was now to my cheek and he moved to my lips, looking me in the eyes. And I couldn’t help myself, I wrapped my arms around his neck and he picked me up by the waist and laid me down on the table. He crawled on top of me and unzipped his leather jacket, discarding it to the floor. The thudding of the heavy material brought me back to reality.

All alone in the War Room, I was ready to give it all to him, but I couldn’t, “Negan, wait…” He was backi to kiss my neck as he had his hand under my shirt caressing my breasts. “Negan,” I pushed his shoulder up, away from me, “Negan!”

He stopped, “What? I’ve got condoms, don’t worry.”

“No, it’s not that, it’s just…” Negan got down off the table and stood at the edge now, as I sat up, “It’s just…this is so embarrassing.”

“Just spit it out, cause I’m hard as hell right now, and…”

“Negan, I’m a virgin,” I blurted out instantly feeling my cheeks burn with embarrassment.

His eyes widened, “You’re fucking with me right now.”

“I assure you I am not.”

Negan fell back into the chair that was behind him and placed his hands on the outside of knees as I kept my place sitting at the end of the table, “How the hell are you a virgin? Aren’t you twenty-six?”

“Twenty-seven actually, I’ll be twenty-eight in about six weeks.”

Negan was trying to conceal a grin, “But how? I didn’t even think virgins beyond twenty-one existed anymore.”

“I’ve been kind of busy.”

Negan raised an eyebrow, “Busy?”

“Yes, busy, with my mom, and school. I mean, I did get a doctorate by twenty-six, so I’ve been too busy to date, or really meet people.”

“Right…” Negan trailed off in disbelief, “No time?” He looked at me with hungry eyes, “You know this only makes me want you more, and changes nothing. I want you to be my wife.”

I got chills looking into Negan’s dark eyes, I was feeling things that I never felt for anyone before; my body was tingling and I longed for his kisses to return. “Look, I need some time to think about this.”

He stood up, “Why, we obviously want each other.”

“I know, but I can’t make a decision like this merely because I want to have sex with you.” Negan didn't follow, “You have six other women, and this entire place. For me, I’ll only have you. I have to really decide if what you’re promising is worth it, not just my body, but also…” I looked down at my hands too nervous to look at Negan when I said, “my heart.”

Negan lifted my chin back up and we were once again looking into each other eyes, “I’ll give you twenty-four hours," he said coldly. He picked his Jacket up from the floor and slammed the door as he exited. I flinched at the sound and climbed down off the table. It was then that I found myself lost in the tangle of duplicate hallways, somehow finding myself outside in area that Negan hadn’t shown me earlier. Dwight was there smoking a cigarette.

We both stood there completely silent, unsure of one another. Dwight broke the quietness, “You want one?” He pointed the opened end of the pack towards me.

“Oh, no thank you, I don’t smoke.”

He took a long puff, “Good for you, it’s a filthy habit.” We both chuckled, and I took his joke as an invitation to chat.

“Can I ask you something?”

“I suppose so,” he said with a shrug.

“And this is just between us?”

He took another drag of the cigarette, and squinted at me, “Look lady, I don’t know you, and I know Negan is always listening, so if you wouldn’t ask Negan, then you shouldn’t ask me.”

I felt deflated, “Understood.” We both stood there silently again and then I realized unless I had some help, I feared I would never find my room or mother again, “Would you mind showing me to my room? I’m sort lost here.” I realized that Dwight had lit another Cigarette, “After you’re finished, of course.” I sat on a nearby set of stairs and thought about everything that had transpired with Negan during the day.

“You ready?” Dwight was already walking by the time I was able to get up; I jogged slightly to catch up.

“Hey, I’m sorry for doing that to you back there,” I said as a peace offering.

“It’s fine, people always have questions about this, but I learned a long time ago that when Negan takes interest in someone, it’s better to just let him handle them.” Something in about the way he spoke made me think that this was more of a personal experience than merely advice.

When Dwight finally got me back to my room, the door was ajar and I heard my mom gasping, I hurriedly opened the door the rest of the way, only to find her there, with Negan. She had tears streaming down her cheeks as she laughed in between fits of wheezing.

Negan turned around to me, “Hi sweety.”

I looked at my mother, then back to Negan, “Hi. Did you need something?”

“Where were you?” It was then that I noticed that Dwight was still standing at the door and Negan had locked eyes with him.

“I got lost on my way back, and Dwight was kind enough to show me back.”

“Well, thanks Dwight for rescuing my little lady.” Negan teased. Dwight began to walk away, “Not so fast Dwighty-boy, can you go fetch Simon and meet me in the War Room.”

“Yes.”

Negan sneered, “Yes what?”

“Yes Sir.” And Dwight was gone. Something about his overbearing need for obedience may my stomach knot.

Negan took my mother’s hands into his, “Well Irene, it was lovely getting to know you. I now see where Miriam gets her good looks from.”

My mother blushed, “Oh stop!” She playfully flipped her wrist towards him, “You know if I was Miriam’s age, I would be all over you.”

“Oh, I bet you would.” Negan made his way to the door and bent down to my ear, “Can I expect you for dinner tonight?”

I looked up at Negan out of the corner of my eyes, “Not tonight, I should spend some time with my mom.”

“Fair enough, but I’m expecting to see you tomorrow afternoon.” Negan took my hand in his as we stood side by side, facing opposite directions, “And I haven’t forgot our little afternoon.”

I cast my eyes down towards the floor and then looked back at him, “Me neither.” Negan grinned, and began whistling as he walked down the hallway.

No sooner had I shut the door did my mother start in on me, “You better tell him ‘yes’.”

“Excuse me?”

“Negan told me that he asked for your hand in marriage, and you apparently need sometime to think about it?”

“Yes, I’ve only known him for a day. I think it’s fair to ask for a moment to breath and make a rational decision.”

“What’s there to think about? He told me how he would take care of us both. And with me dying…” She placed her face in her hands and began to cry, or least make the sound of crying; I could never be too sure with her.

“I know mom,” I sat next to her rubbing her back, “It’s a big part of why I would say ‘yes’, but there are so many questions left unanswered.”

She immediately became sour, “See Miriam, that’s your problem always trying to get answers. Sometimes things don’t need to be answered. I’m sick, dying, and don’t want to spend what precious few days I may have in agony. Do you want me to suffer?”

I hated my mom like this; passive aggressive and making her problems be mine, “Of course not, but should I essentially sell my body so you can die comfortably?” With no hesitation, my mother slapped me with such velocity it made my head turn. I instantly tasted blood inside my mouth.

My mother spoke through gritted teeth, “you stupid little cunt, don’t you ever speak to me like that again. Now you listen here, you’re going to do whatever it takes to keep us _both_ in his good graces. I don’t care if you need to fuck him every single day, but I’m not living in this world _and_ dying in pain. So, you’re going to go see him tomorrow, tell him you’ll marry him, and get me some God damned pain pills. Is that understood?”

I just stared at her with such resentment. How could a mother do this to her child? She was completely selfish and unhinged and I couldn’t bare another moment. I left without saying a word. No one could make me marry Negan, not him or my mother. I wandered the hallways dragging my hands down the cold, rough, cinder block walls. I found a staircase and decided that I was going to the roof. I figured if I just kept heading up, I’d find it eventually.

After a good thirty-minute search I finally found a metal door and opened to see a million stars in the sky, and yet somehow, I found Dwight, once again alone, smoking. The sound of the scraping metal on the gravel roof top caught his attention and he turned around, “So you found me again. My two best hiding places and you’ve managed to find both.”

I closed the door behind me, “Purely coincidental, scout honor.” I held up the three-fingered Girl Scout salute. I hesitated to move forward, “Do you want me to leave?”

“Nah, you can join me.”

I walked towards him with only a few dim lights and the moon to illuminate my path. “So what changed?”

“What do you mean?”

“You just seemed put off by me before.”

“It’s Miriam, right?” I nodded in agreement, “Look, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with _him_.” Obviously referencing Negan. I saw how you reacted when he castrated me today, and I see what’s he’s doing. So, if you have any questions, I’m more than happy to answer them…” He flicked his cigarette off the rooftop and lit up another one, “on two conditions, what’s said on the roof stays on the roof, and two, you can tell no one that I come up here. It’s the only place I can get any fuckin’ peace and quiet, deal?”

“Deal.” It was silent for a moment, “So do we spit on it or something?”

Dwight chuckled, “That’s not necessary.” We both sat on the edge of the building dangling our feet over the edge. I felt my palms get sweaty from the height, but I mirrored Dwight’s body language to let him know he could trust me. “So, what’s your questions?”

“Negan asked me to be one of his wives today, and I don’t know if I should do it. Any advice since you seem to be around him a lot.”

“Yeah, more than I want to be. He keeps an eagle-eye on me?”

“Why’s that?”

“Nope, I’m here to answer your questions about Negan and this place, not about myself. Maybe some other time, like when you find my third favorite hiding place.”

“Well then,” I shrugged, “should I marry him?”

“That’s a tough one. If you marry him what are you giving up?”

“I…I don’t understand what you mean?”

“Do you have a boyfriend or a husband already? Maybe a kid?”

I didn’t like where this was going, “No, it’s just me and my mom here.”

He scoffed, “Well you’re lucky then, some of his wives sacrificed their happiness to make life easier for the ones they loved.”

“So, you know the other wives?”

“Not really, but I know who they are; their names and what not. They all live on the third floor of this place, the same floor as Negan. No one really goes up there except for Chef of course, and maybe one of high up people like Simon.”

“So are they not allowed to leave the third floor.”

Dwight looked up, thinking, “I guess they’re allowed to leave, but it’s really frowned upon. Negan isn’t too keen on them mingling amongst the ‘commoners’ if you will.”

This gave me a lot to think about, and I looked right at Dwight and gave him a soft smile, there was something about Dwight that seemed sad, but I didn’t want to push it. “Thank you.” I looked away and wrapped my arms around myself shivering, not sure if it was the breeze or my nerves.

“Anytime.” Dwight lit up his third smoke and offered me one, “You look like you could use one.”

I shook my head, “I’m good, promise.” I stared back up to the stars to the moon, “Would you think I was crazy if I said that maybe I loved him?”

“I think you might be the only one. Most people fear him.”

“Should he be feared?” I looked back at Dwight.

“Honestly I don’t know. Part of me is scared that he could snap his fingers and someone would happily put a bullet in my head, but part of me feels like its all just a big show and probably just as unsure and scared as the rest of us.”

“Dwight, you have no idea how much you’ve helped me.” I stood up and headed back towards the door.

“You able to get back this time?”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

I opened the clunky door and was about to step through when Dwight asked, “So do you have your answer then?”

I gave a half smile, “I have.” As I walked back to my room alone, I knew what I had to do. Luckily my mother was already asleep by this point. I quietly changed back into the sweats given to me the night before and went to sleep confident with myself. And tomorrow would never be the same.


	6. Supply run and honeymoon fun.

I awoke the next morning nervous about how Negan would feel about my answer to his proposal. I was delivered another change of clothes and was once again escorted to the War Room to meet Negan.

“Good morning beautiful,” Negan greeted me with an infectious light heartedness.

“Good morning.” My smile beamed back at Negan. The chef had made spinach omelets for us and more orange juice.

“So, let me ask you something darlin’, it occurred to me that I never asked where you and mom came from?”

“West Virginia, not to far from the prison.”

“No, I don’t mean where did you live. I mean were you two travlin’ by foot or did you leave a group. Where did you come from?”

“Oh…” I was embarrassed by my misunderstanding. “Right. Well, we were staying with my older brother and his friend at a cabin.”

“A cabin. Was it nice?”

“It was okay. The cabin belonged to Eric’s parents and I guess they were some sort of religious zealot doomsday preppers. Lots of supplies.”

Negan was intrigued, “So did you and your mom walk from the cabin then?”

“No, Eric had two cars there. A station wagon was left behind, so I loaded up as much as I could in that, but it broke down only fifty or so miles from the cabin when it ran out of gas.”

“Would you remember how to find the station wagon? Maybe even the cabin?”

“The cabin wouldn’t be hard, I literally just drove in one straight direction from there, but I’m not sure where you even found us two nights ago, but if you get me there, I can probably figure it out.”

Negan rubbed his hands together, “Sounds like we’re takin’ a field trip today.”

Negan rounded up a group of people and explained to them that they should drive down the main road and wait for his radio call to tell them where to pick us up. I was apprehensive at first as Negan just wanted the two of us to go into the woods. “Are you sure? I’m not really good at protecting myself.”

He slung his arm around my shoulder, “Don’t worry doll, I’ll be there and so will Lucille.”

Lucille? I quickly found out Negan had named his barb wire baseball bat after his now deceased wife and I didn’t really understand the symbolism behind the moniker.

The trucks rumbled out the main gates and Negan and I ventured into the woods. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I just followed his lead. “So, you still thinkin’ about our conversation from yesterday?”

“Are you sure this a good time for this conversation?”

“Why not, it’s just us two, alone in the woods.” Negan had his bat slung over his shoulder, “And my beauty Lucille will handle anything that comes our way.”

“I have been thinking, and I just have a few more questions.”

Negan stopped walking, and looked at me, “What else could you possibly need to know, it’s a life of no worries.”

“See, that’s where you’re wrong. I don’t even know what expectations you have for your wives.”

“Doc, you’re a smart lady, you know what a wife does.”

“Well, I have an idea of what kind of wife that I want to be, but will that be what you have in mind?”

“You are starting to really piss me off.”

“I’m sorry Negan, but I can’t make a decision unless I have all available information, it’s just who I am. And if you want me to be your wife, then this is who I am.”

Negan began walking quietly and I followed, “So this is where we found you.” It looked so different in the light of the sun and no creatures.

I sat under the rock to get my bearings about me, “Okay, it’s this way.” And five minutes later, we were on the road.

Negan made the radio call for our pick up and he helped me into a truck, “Where’s the next stop?”

Just travel straight ahead, you’ll see the wagon up there. It has the wood paneling on the outside, so it’s not hard to miss.” I hadn’t known how far my mother and I had walked, but ten miles was a quick drive and there was the station wagon. Time appeared to stand still. Negan got out and offered a hand to help me down.

“We got lucky guys, everything’s still intact.” Negan looked at me, his expression seemed less tense than in the woods, “Is it locked? No sense in busting any windows out if we don’t need to.”

“I brought the keys, I’m not sure why I locked it but I did, I guess habit.” I unlocked the truck and Negan started instructing a group to begin loading its contents into the big truck, “Anything personal in there.” I shook my head ‘no’.

Negan had a group tow the wagon back to Sanctuary and another group was instructed to follow him to our next destination. “You ready.” And we were once again alone and I again let Negan take the lead. After a few minutes he reached his hand out to mine, and I took it, “Why don’t you scoot a little closer.” I slid down the bench seat and sat closer to him, “Listen Doc, I know that you’re a smart woman, so let me give you what you need.” Negan’s expectations sounded like he wanted a submissive wife who didn’t question his authority.

“Negan, I’m sorry, but I don’t think that I can live like that. A gilded cage is still a cage, and I can’t imagine letting myself be controlled like that.”

“It’s not control,” Negan was appalled, “I never make anyone do anything that they don’t want to.”

“But I would have to meet your expectations, which doesn’t mean you’re forcing me to act a certain way, but I would be condoning it.”

“Then what do you want? What would it take to make you my wife before sunset?”

I was surprised that Negan was interested in negotiations, so we bartered this type of prenuptial agreement. I wanted to do something at the Sanctuary beside sit around and be pretty, so we agreed on me teaching the kids. Negan wanted me to move up to the third floor, I felt it would be better to stay with my mom. We agreed on mom having her own room on the third floor as well. Everything seemed to be going a little to easy that I had to ask, “Do you want me this much?”

“You have no idea how much I want you,” Negan picked up my hand and kissed it, “my beautiful _virgin_ bride.”

I jerked my hand back, “I’m serious Negan, why haven’t you done this for any of your other wives?”

“Simple. They never asked. I guess no one has ever had the gull to make demands, but I respect that you stand up for yourself and that turns me on.”

All I could was roll my eyes and accept that this man was now my husband, “So now what?”

“What do you mean?”

“Do we have a ceremony or something; how will people know that I’m your wife now?”

“Trust me, they’ll know. Unless you want a ring or something, I could probably find one at some point.”

“I’m okay. Whatever is typical in this situation.”

Negan just laughed, “We’re already way outside what I typically do, but I will say that I can’t wait for tonight.” I felt a surge of desire, and suddenly I couldn’t wait either.

I noticed the turn we needed to get back to the cabin, “Make a right at the wooden sign.” Negan put on his blinker and we headed up a hilly gravel road that dead ended at the cabin. Part of me was hoping that maybe when we arrived, the blue car that Aaron and Eric would be sitting there inside waiting for me. The small bit of hopefulness was dashed when the drive sat just as empty as the day we left. I hopped out of the truck not waiting for Negan and walked inside. There was the tree still hanging half way in the living room.

“Jesus Christ, that’s bad.” Negan walked over and broke a huge branch off and threw it out of the gaping hole in the cabin’s side.

“Trust me, it was even scarier when it happened, luckily we were already hiding in the bathroom out of harm’s way.”

Negan walked over and wrapped his arms around my back, “I bet some of the guys to fix this place back up, it would make a nice vacation home.”

“A vacation home? I don’t picture a man like you ever taking a vacation.”

“Well maybe I’ll become one. He turned me around, but kept his arms around me, “Picture it, you and me; alone all weekend, having hot nasty freaky sex.”

I turned my head around and looked up at Negan, “I think we might have to work up to that, I am inexperienced after all.”

Negan leaned down and kissed my neck before he whispered in my ear, “I can already tell you’re a natural.”

I wanted to take Negan back to the bed waiting in the back, but we were interrupted, “Sorry Sir, but…um…should we start packing up? We should probably get out of here before dark.”

It was Dwight, clearly nervous, so I agreed, “He’s right, no sense in putting it off. I guess take whatever you want. No use in letting it go to waste.”

I started packing up the kitchen and living room, and that’s when I noticed the framed picture of Aaron and Eric shattered on the floor. I picked it up and carefully dusted away the remaining shards, and I began to cry. I was fearful that I would never see my brother again, and hoped if he was alive, he was somewhere safe with Eric. If he couldn’t be with me, I could wish that he was at least with someone who loved him.

Negan found me and noticed what I was looking at, “Which one’s your brother?”

I pointed to the dark-haired man in the picture, and looked back up at Negan, “He wasn’t just my brother, he was truly my best friend. I miss him so much and I only hope that he’s okay.”

“If he’s as smart as you, I’m sure he’s thriving somewhere in this world.”

After a couple of hours, the entire cabin was packed up. We all piled back up in the trucks and head back to the Sanctuary. When we arrived, everyone got to work unloading all the new treasures. Negan pointed out what was going to be for new tenants of the third floor. I told Negan that I should go tell my mom about the news.

I walked back to find my mom watching a movie, without turning attention away from the screen she knew it was me, “Where the hell have you been all day. Leaving me here with strangers. One of them could have murdered me.”

“Mom, we need to collect your things. You’re getting a new room.”

“A new room? What did you do?” She had risen from her chair and stomped towards me.

“I didn’t do anything. I agreed to be Negan’s wife and he’s giving us own rooms on the third floor.”

Her attitude completely changed and she grabbed my face, plastering my cheeks with kisses, “Oh thank God, you’re not stupid after all.”

“Thanks mom…”

Dwight had been instructed to bring us up to the mysterious third floor and there at the top of the step was Negan, “Welcome home ladies.” He scooped my mother up into a hug, “Can I call you ‘mom’?” Her blushing cheeks was all the confirmation that Negan needed, “Wonderful, well _mom_ , let’s get you to your room, and if you don’t mind there are some people that I need to introduce to my beautiful bride.”

“Of course, you two do whatever you need to. I’ll see you later.” Dwight walked my mom the rest of the way and Negan led me to a room full of waiting women all dressed in black.

“Attention ladies, I would like to introduce you to the newest beauty to our tribe. This is Miriam." A few murmured ‘hi’ and ‘hello’ were heard.”

“Hello everyone.”

“Well, I have a few things that I need to take care of, but…” Negan tapped my nose with his gloved hand, “I’ll see you later.” He left, and I stood there holding a small box of belongings.

“It’s nice to meet you all.” I didn’t know what to say.

Noticing how uneasy I was, a woman got up from a couch, “Hi, I’m Frankie, and this is…” she started pointing to all the other women, “Sherry, Amber, Tanya, Megan, and Ashley."

I gave a tight-lipped smile, “I’m sorry, but this box is getting kinda heavy. I think I’ll go put it in my room."

“How rude of me, of course, I’ll help you.” Frankie walked me to my room just a few feet from the quasi-living room set up.

I set the box down on a small end table, “Thank you.” I looked around at my new room, “I can’t believe that Negan set all this up.”

Frankie scrunched her brows, “Oh no, us other wives…well not Sherry, but most of us wives set up these rooms. They used to look like prison cells, until we convinced Negan how nice some paint and more feminine touches would be, but I’m glad you like it.”

“I do, the yellow walls are very nice…”

Then we sort of just started at each other for a second when Frankie seemed to be hit with a realization. She popped her head out the door, “Tanya, Ashley, come here.” And two more wives joined us, “I just had an idea, what if we helped out our new friend here. She’s going to need a few essentials to get herself started, and maybe some advice or rules.”

It was then that I realized that no one knew about Negan and mine’s past, “That would be amazing. Thank you.”

The wives brought me first in to the living room area. There they gave me some makeup and a razor, “So Negan isn’t a fan of body hair, so you’ll want to take care of that, and let’s see…” Frankie rummaged through a closet, “What size shoe do you wear?”

“I’m a nine.”

“Well, we don’t have a pair of heels in that size, but we’ll let Dwight or Simon know to be on the lookout for some, but these should work for now.” She handed me a pair of black flats, “Negan prefers us in high heels, but all we have are a six and a seven, but he won’t mind. And let’s see, you’ll need a dress, what size are you like an eight?”

“I’m actually a ten or a size large if you have that.”

“We don’t have anything in that size, but I’ll have someone check the clothing exchange and maybe we can make something happen.” I wasn’t sure why Frankie was being so nice to me, but it was a welcome surprise from what I was expecting.

I thanked them all for the advice and help and made my way back to my room to prepare for first night with Negan. I took a shower and was surprised to see a bottle of sparkling wine on ice and some wild flowers. There was a box on my bed with a note:

I’ll join you for dinner in your room at seven sharp, have this on!

I opened the box to find a white satin negligee and immediately felt nervous, but no time for that as I only had fifteen minutes before Negan would be arriving. And just like his note said, he arrived right at seven. I opened the door and Negan’s licked his lips, “Oh my, this is going to be fun.” Negan shut the door behind with his foot and threw his jacket on the couch of my room. “I feel like a kid a Christmas.” Negan wasted no time kissing me and I melted right away. I didn’t want him to stop as I felt the wetness in between my legs getting stronger, but he pulled away, “Let’s see what we have here.” He was clearly teasing me, as he picked up the wine and studied the label.

I grabbed the bottle out of his hand and put it back in the ice bucket, “I don’t need that or food, I only need you.” I didn’t even know where this sex confident identity of mine was coming from, but Negan wasn’t complaining.

“I know you do baby, but I want to make tonight as special for you as I can. It’s not often that a woman gets to lose her virginity to me.” He smiled at me before placing a soft kiss on my lips. The food finally arrived and Negan took the plates at the door. He put on a record of soft jazz music and finally sat down for us to eat. It felt like an eternity for him to finish eating.

Negan slowly sipped some wine as he looked me in the eyes, and I was dying. If the kissing was any implication of how tonight was going to be, I was ready! After we finished most of the wine, Negan stood up and taking me my hand, guided me up. “You are so beautiful”

“Thank you.”

Negan began kissing me again, and he swept me off the floor and carried me to the bed. He gently laid me down where he began kissing my chest, neck, and lips. I pulled him closer towards me becoming high off his touch and kisses, but I needed more.

I maneuvered myself in a way that I was now on top of Negan and undid the loosely tied bow of my gown. My breasts were free and the sensation of the callused hands that grabbed them sent shivers down my spine. I laid down on top of him and felt his hands wrap around my back. I could feel how hard Negan was and wanted to feel him deep inside me. “Negan,” was I could muster before he rolled me over and was once again on top.

He slipped my panties off, “My God, you are ready.” Negan stood at the edge of the bed and undid the belt of his pants and it was finally time for the _big_ reveal. And I wasn’t disappointed. He threw his white t-shirt to the ground and I removed my nightgown. There we were, both naked, and for a fleeting moment Negan looked down at me with a look of such pure joy and excitement. “I want to take this nice and slow, make sure your as comfortable as you can be.”

I felt a cold chill come over my body and Negan began touching my wet pussy with his fingers slowly sliding one finger deep inside of me, I let out a soft moan, “Is that okay?”

“It’s more than okay.” And then he inserted two fingers and then three and I felt myself opening. “Negan, I need you. Please don’t make me wait another second.” And he didn’t, he inserted himself into me so delicately and began slow thrusts, and as I moaned in pleasure, he quickened his pace. I wanted more, I needed more.

Negan could tell that I was ready for more and he flipped me over on all fours. He grabbed my hips as he rode me harder. “Negan, fuck me.”

“Oh, I’ll give you a show then sweetheart.” He slapped my ass with his full hand so hard that I lost my breath for a moment. I felt his fingers lace into my brown hair as he pulled me up towards him, “I knew you’d be a natural.” Negan let me go and rolled me back over, “I wanna see you cum for me.” He thrusted in me while rubbing my clit with his thumb; I could feel the aching desire to peak over the edge and truly be his and with one finale push of his cock deep inside me, I came. I arched my back and wrapped my arms and legs around him. Negan kept riding me until he finished deep inside me. We laid together still connected and when he finally disengaged, he immediately scooped me into his arms and kissed my forehead.

“Well now that I’ve gotten what I need, you’re free to go,” I joked.

Negan grabbed a pillow from behind his head and playfully hit me with it, “How could you use me.”

We both laughed and I then I said it, “I love you.” Negan leaned down, kissed the tip of my nose, and only smiled.


	7. Realizations

I rolled over to greet Negan, but I was met with an empty side of the bed. I put on the white satin robe that matched my nightgown and quickly glanced around to see if he had left a note; I found nothing.

I decided to get ready and make my way across the hall to see what I was supposed to do now. “Good morning, everyone.” I received a few glances and I felt like a fish out of water. “So…what exactly do we do to start our day?”

Sherry took a long drag off her cigarette and blew the smoke out the window, “This is it.”

“Don’t be so rude Sherry,” Frankie was quick to my defense again, “Chef will bring breakfast up soon and then usually we just hang out. You can go to the library if you want to get a book or movie, or get your hair done, but usually we all just stay up here.”

“Okay. What if I wanted to talk with Negan? How do I do that?”

“You can tell Simon or Dwight and they’ll pass along the message,” Tanya offered. “He’ll usually see us at the end of the day, but if you need to see him sooner, I guess you could wait outside the War Room.”

I wasn’t sure what I should do, I knew that Negan gave me permission to teach, but I wasn’t sure how I would even go about that. I figured I would try my luck on waiting on him outside the War Room. I walked down the stairs and crossed paths with Dwight, “Hey, um, do you know if I could talk to Negan right now?”

“It might be a bit, he’s reaming a guy’s ass right now, but he’s in the W.R. if you want to see him.”

“Okay, will he be mad if I just show up without an appointment?”

Dwight just laughed, “An _appointment_? I don’t think he’ll care, but don’t throw me under the bus if he gets mad.” And he continued his assent upstairs.

When I made it outside the War Room the door was flung open and a man thrown on the ground, “And if you ever think of trying that shit again, you’ll get to meet the hot end of the iron.” Negan then noticed me flush against the wall out of fear, “Miriam, what are you doing down here?” He was gruff and still mad at the individual lying on the floor and now had directed that anger towards me.

“I…I…I just wanted to see you this morning.” He walked away from the door leaving it open. I was apprehensive to enter, but feared that I would be perceived as wasting his time if I didn’t finish what I started.

Negan was standing, appearing to be staring at something, “Are you fucking stupid?” He shouted down from the window, “If I have to come down there yall will be meetin’ Lucille today!” He then turned his attention back to, “And what the hell do you want? Make it quick because I’m dealin’ with a bunch of fuckin’ morons this morning. And I have to go somewhere soon.”

“I, um, just wanted to know how I should let people know that I’m going to be teaching the kids, I mean if they want, they’re children to be taught.” My hands were shaking and I had a pit in my stomach, I chided myself for even bothering him.

Negan noticed my trembling and softened his demeanor, he took my hands in his, “Oh baby, I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to see this. Look, why don’t you just get settled in today and I’ll Simon have pass the word along and maybe you can start next week.”

I was still frightened, but put on a smile to appease Negan, “Thank you.” I cast my eyes down, “I hope you have a good day.”

I started to walk away until Negan called out, “Hey, come back here.” He tilted my chin up towards him, I think maybe we should talk about last night.” I had hoped he was going to say that he too loved me, but I sadly disappointed, “You should go see if the doctor has any good morning after pills left; certainly, don’t need any babies runnin’ around here right now.”

“I’ll head down there right now.” Of course, I didn’t know where I was going, but figured I would run into someone who could lead me in the right direction.

After I wandered around for a bit, a kind woman showed me exactly where to go and there I met Dr. Emmett Carson. “Why hello dear, who are you?”

“I’m Miriam Ash.”

“Negan’s newest wife, welcome, come on in. How can I help you?”

I felt a bit embarrassed but did as was asked of me by my husband, “I was wondering if you had a morning after pill? Negan said you may some left.”

“Well, I never had many in stock, but I think I might have some that haven’t expired yet.” He proceeded to explain how the pill worked and gave me the medication. I swallowed it down and thanked the kind doctor.

I made my way back up to the other wives where Frankie, Tanya, and Amber were playing Monopoly. “Mind if I join? You don’t need to start over.” We played the game all the way through, it took us four hours, but what else was there to do. “So, is this what you do all day?”

“Pretty much,” Frankie said, “It’s pretty boring, but sometimes we can entertain ourselves by tormenting Simon.” Tanya and Frankie shared a laugh over a shared memory.

It was then that Negan entered the room, “Daddy’s home.” I got up and went to him, hugging him and even getting a kiss. When I turned around, I realized I was the only one, and I felt awkward, and even a bit sad for Negan. I was confused as to why these women weren’t greeting the man they choose to be with. “Well, I’m glad someone is happy to see me.” That’s when I noticed that Amber was taking rapid fire shots of Jack Daniels, Sherry was standing despondent with a cigarette in her mouth, and the other wives stayed where they were.

I looked back up at Negan, “Could we talk in my room?”

“Sure doll, give me a few minutes to get cleaned up, and I’ll meet you there.”

Negan left and I stood there with my back to my fellow wives, but felt their eyes on me, “Well, aren’t we just the little deary; I bet you actually love him.” I turned around came face to face with Ashley.

“Excuse me?”

“You are such a suck up.” I was taken aback by her abrasiveness. “You don’t need to be all sugar and spice with him,” she rolled her eyes, “Trust me, he doesn’t give two shits about any of us; he collects us to control people.” She looked over her shoulder, “Just ask Sherry or Amber.”

Sherry flicked her cigarette out the window, “Shut up Ashley and leave the girl alone.” I decided not to argue with Ashley, and went back to my room to wait for Negan.

I opened my laptop that I was still carrying around with me and began listening to some saved music. I laid back down on my bed as the sounds of ‘Tears for Fears'. I softly sang ‘Head over Heels’ when I heard the sound of Negan’s boots nearing my door, “Hey sweetheart, what can I do for you?” His demeanor was a complete one-eighty from this morning.

“I just wanted to see you alone, see how your day was.”

He looked at me suspiciously, “Do you even give a shit?”

“Yeah, I mean I haven’t seen you all day, and I…” I stopped myself from saying it.

“That you love me?”

I felt my heartbeat quicken and a heat rise to my cheeks as I became unsure of myself, “Yes,” I said softly.

Negan ran a hand through his still damp hair, “Geez honey, why’d you have to go and say it?”

“Because I do…am I not supposed to?”

“I mean you can, but don’t ever expected me to say it back.”

I felt dejected, “Can I ask why? I mean, if I’m your wife, or at least one of your wives, and you’re my husband, why can’t you say it?” I stumbled over my words, a habit I was quickly realizing was annoying Negan.

“Because.”

“Because why? Tell me?”

“Because,” he raised his voice, quickly lowering it, “Because every time I’ve told someone that I love them, terrible things happen to them. Lucille, Hannah, and well…I just don’t get that emotionally invested anymore. So, tell me you love me, it gets me rock hard, but believe me, I’m never going to say it back.

I wanted to throw something at him, I wanted to cry, I wanted to take back, I wanted to go back and not agree to this stupid arrangement, but I just said, “Okay…” and he left. I shut my door and didn’t leave my room for a week. I was to upset and embarrassed to see Negan, or anyone else for that matter.

* * *

I finally pulled myself together when I heard a soft knock on my door one afternoon. I was surprised to see Sherry on the other side, “Mind if I come in?”

“Not all.”

“You okay? We haven’t seen you around much.”

I let out a sigh, “I’m fine, just having a pity party for myself.”

She rubbed my back, “You want to talk about it? I mean you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but us wives should stick together. It’s not like we can really talk to anyone else.”

“Will you promise not to make fun of me?”

“I guess.”

I told Sherry everything; about my virginity; saying ‘I love you’, and how Negan responded. She sat there for a minute, “I need a cigarette, let’s go outside.” I walked with Sherry to a small terrace where she lit up, “Want one?”

“I’m okay.”

“Good for you, it’s a filthy habit.”

I smiled, “That’s what Dwight…says” and I realized that Sherry and Dwight must know each other.

“Let’s solve one problem at a time here,” she knew I had caught on. “I’ll tell you about Dwight later.” She took a drag and leaned up against the side of the building, “I think it’s great that someone in this world can actually find something lovable about that man, but I also think it’s because you don’t really know him. Negan is sort of like a tornado; you ever lived through a tornado?” I shook my head ‘no’, “So everything gets real quiet right before a tornado hits; you think the storm is over, and BAM! A fucking freight train speed of wind and debris comes and destroys a five-mile radius.” She flicked her cigarette off the terrace, “Know what I mean?”

“I think so.”

She placed her hand on my shoulder, “Listen, my advice to you, don’t get to attached. I don’t think he cares about you, or any of us for that matter. Negan only cares about one thing, Negan.” I wanted to believe Sherry, but how could I forget about the Negan I knew from ADC? Maybe Warden Bischoff was right about him manipulating people.

I felt like such a fool, but I didn’t have to time worry about it because Simon had shown up with an announcement, “Ladies, listen up, Negan want to see all of you,” looking poignantly at Sherry, “And I mean all of you, for dinner tonight.”

“Yeah, yeah, we hear ya.” Sherry gave me the once over, “Well we got to get you ready.” Sherry, Frankie, and Tanya took me to the clothing exchange. It was a huge room with racks and racks of clothing. No black dress was found, but they threw together a black skirt and shirt for me, and I donned my black flats. Later that night all seven us joined our husband for dinner. When I saw Negan, I wanted to hug him, kiss him, but I stopped myself, heeding Sherry’s advice.

When I coolie sat down without even so much of a faint acknowledgment, Negan was annoyed, but played if off. “Well ladies, I hope you’re hungry. I’ve got a feast prepared for you all, and I hope we can have a nice quiet evening.”

“Can I have some wine?” Amber was ready to drink.

“Of course.” Negan snapped his fingers and Amber got her glass of wine, “What else would you other ladies like.” Everyone gave their drink orders and dinner was served. No one really spoke, and since I was the closest to Negan, he took my hand, “I’m glad to see you’re finished pouting.”

I jerked my hand back, “Thank you.” I slightly pursed my lips, “And I’m glad to see you’re in a better mood yourself.”

Negan let out a small quiet laugh, and leaned into my ear, “You have some nerve tonight. Maybe I can straighten that out later.”

“If that’s what will please you.”

Negan growled softly and turned his attention back to the rest of the room, “So you may be wondering why I called this family dinner, well my beauties, I have some news. I have found a new community, and I think it’s going to make for a nice partnership. So, here’s to the continued success of us, the Saviors.” Negan raised his glass and some of us followed.

After dinner was over, Negan dismissed everyone, but me. “What the hell happened to the woman who was practically drooling over me last week?” He kissed the back of my hand, “I miss her.” I just stared back at him. He caressed my cheek, “So, this is how it’s going to be?” He leaned over and kissed me, “Come on Doc, let’s recreate our first time together.”

“You mean our only time together.”

Negan moved his hand up to my wrist, and squeezed it, “Well if you didn’t go and fuck around by bringing up love, maybe it would have been more than once.”

“You’re hurting me.” I jerked my hand back, but he kept hold with a softer grip. He leaned in for a soft kiss, and I wanted to reject him, but I just couldn’t; he had to strong a hold on my heart. I returned the kiss and moaned as I melted into his lips. I made my way over to Negan and straddled his lap. I began kissing his neck and Negan slipped my black shirt over my head.

I pushed his t-shirt off and climbed off Negan’s lap and kneeled before him. I unbuckled his belt, slid down the zipper of his jeans, and exposed his hard throbbing cock. I licked him from the base to the tip. Negan sucked air in through his teeth as his finger tangled into my hair, “You’re an animal.” My lips wrapped around the tip and I began a slow up and down rhythm. I took him deep into the back of throat, and wanted to feel him deep inside me.

I looked up at Negan from my place in between his knees, “Negan, I want you.” I rose from the ground and pushed my skirt down and slipped my panties off. Negan stayed seated and pulled out a condom. After it was rolled down, I lowered myself on top of him letting out a moan. I leaned into Negan and he held me close to him with his warm hands brushing up against my cool skin. I bounced up and down on his delicious cock and couldn’t help but to rub my throbbing clit.

“Are you gonna cum for me?” Negan whispered in my ear. I vigorously rubbed my clit as Negan picked me up by hips and laid me on the table. He stood at the edge and thrusted into my wet pussy. I arched my neck and raised my back off the table as I felt my body clench as I came. Negan bent down and kissed the space in between my breasts and then my lips. He stood back up and picked up his pace until he came himself. He fell back into the chair behind him and I sat up and climbed off the table.

I began to dress myself, but Negan ran his fingers along my bare ass, “Not so fast.” After he disposed of his prophylactic, he sat on a couch in the War Room and beckoned for me to join him by patting the empty space beside him. I sat down and was surprised when Negan pulled me into him and laid down with us intertwined. “I want to say it.” I laid there listening to Negan’s heartbeat, “I really do, especially to you, but I just can’t. I’m an asshole, but I’ll do whatever I can to show you how I feel, even though I can’t say it.”

I leaned up and looked at Negan, I did want to believe him, his eyes seemed sincere, but I wasn’t ready to let my heart get to far ahead of me again. I only smiled, and laid my head back on his chest.


	8. Think before you speak.

The hot, humid, Virginian summer gave way to a cool and crisp fall. My mother and I had been at the Sanctuary for about three months and I was becoming more involved with my new home. Aside from meeting with the few children on the grounds, I was also helping in the gardens. Even a self-described city girl, felt happy to be with the worms and dirt under my nails.

I brushed the dirt off the knees of my pants and gathered my harvest. I headed to the cellars to begin the canning process. There was a bit of nerves from everyone about surviving the first winter, and the tension was palpable.

Negan was away often away, leaving Dwight in charge, despite how suspicious he seemed of Dwight's motives. During one of the many long absences of Negan, I became privy to Sherry and Dwight’s relationship. I was heading to the cellar to can some vegetables where I found the two half-naked. I turned away, not realizing who it was at first and walked right into the door frame.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t know anyone was down here.” I felt flushed, and embarrassed for everyone around. I held my eye as I briskly walked out.

“Miriam,” I heard Sherry calling out to me, “Miriam, wait up.” She caught up to me and grabbed my shoulder, “Are you okay?”

“Sherry? Was…was that you down there?” I looked past her and saw Dwight emerge up the steps.

“Let’s get you upstairs.” Sherry shooed Dwight away when he tired to touch her, and she rushed up to the third floor. She sat me down on my bed and looked at my eye, “Well, you’re definitely gonna have a shiner.”

“Um, th…thanks.”

Sherry chuckled, “Why are you thanking me?”

“I don’t know. Um…”

“Listen, let’s cut the crap. Let’s talk about what you saw.”

I tucked my lower lip in and bit it, “Sherry, I honestly didn’t even know it was you and,” I lowered my voice, “Dwight, until you came running out. And how I wish you hadn’t of run out.” Sherry became pale, “I wish that I could pretend that it was just someone else. But why?”

“Dwight is my husband. My real husband.”

I had my ideas about Sherry and Dwight, but I never knew they were married, “Then why are you with Negan?”

“We should probably get you something cold for that eye, it will help with the swelling.”

“Will you stop worrying about my fucking eye and just tell me why you’re with Negan if you’re married to Dwight.”

Sherry quickly got up and shut my bedroom door, “Keep your voice down, you never know when Negan is listening.”

I furrowed my brow, “Negan’s not even here.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. Negan is always here.”

“What are you talking about?” I was getting agitated and I feared that I had a concussion with all the confusion I was feeling.

Sherry took a deep breath in and emptied her lungs, “Dwight and I first met Negan almost a year ago. We had a small group of about five of us and within six weeks Negan had taken charge. As we kept traveling along a few others joined us and eventually we found this factory. There were a few roamers, but Negan, Dwight, and Mark took care of them. The place was cleared and when we realized that there was still power and hot water, we decided to call this place home.” Sherry rubbed the palms of her hands on her thighs, “Look, I need a cigarette.” We made our way out to the terrace where Sherry had first helped me out with my problems. She lit up as I wrapped my arms around my body in a hug to keep warm.

Sherry stared out into the woods, “Sometimes I think it would have been better if we never found this place.” She was contemplative for a few moments, “Anyways…it wasn’t long before the smoke from the furnace attracted others and Negan dubbed us the ‘Saviors’ and this place,” she motioned behind her, “the Sanctuary. And for some stupid reason, people bought into it. Eventually Negan’s power grew so much that he started demanding that people refer to themselves as Negan too.” She blew out smoke, “Some bullshit about, ‘The people are one’, or some other cult garbage. But at that point we were all to scared to question it, and then the bowing started, and who knows how much further this goes.”

“So how did you end up as one of Negan’s wives?”

“Dwight and Negan started butting heads and I truly feared that Negan was going to kill him. I went to Negan one night and asked him to lay off Dwight and he laughed at me. I was furious, but he said he’d leave Dwight alone If I married him. I thought about it for a few days, and Negan’s treatment became more hostile towards Dwight. I figured that life would be easier for Dwight if I just did what Negan asked me and became his wife.”

“And did things get better?”

“For a little while, but now he doesn’t physically hurt Dwight, he just mentally terrorizes him…and I don’t know what’s worse.” Sherry flicked her cigarette away and looked at me, “Listen, you owe me nothing. You owe Dwight nothing, but please, I’m begging you, please do not tell Negan about anything.” I could see the fear in her eyes, “He will kill Dwight, and I love him so much,” Sherry got choked up, “And I would rather be Negan’s wife and know Dwight’s alive than to see what will happen to him if Negan finds out about what you saw today.”

I had no reason to keep Sherry and Dwight’s secret, but I lived by the principle that if sharing news wouldn’t serve a positive benefit, why would I need to share it. “Sherry, I won’t say a word, I promise.”

She breathed a sigh of relief, “Thank you.” She stared at me for a minute, “So what about your eye? It’s already getting blue.”

* * *

I was up late reading when I heard a soft knock, “You still up?” It was Negan.

“Yeah. You wanna come in?”

“You know I do…Jesus fuckin’ Christ, what happened to your eye?” Negan sat down and tilted my face so the light shown on the bruise.

“Oh, it’s nothing. I was in the cellar putting some vegetables away and a bat flew out the corner. It scared me so bad I ran into the door frame trying to get away from it.”

Negan barely tried to hide the laugh that came bursting forth, “I’m sorry doll.”

I tilted my chin down and looked at him through my eyebrows, “Negan! It really hurts.” I pouted my lip out, “Aren’t you even gonna kiss it and try and make it better?”

He kissed the bruised area near my temple, then my cheek, and finally my lips, “I’m sorry.”

“All is forgiven, and I think those kisses may have helped a little.”

Negan laid on his side across my bed, “I’m actually glad that you’re still up, I wanted to tell you that the new community I found a while back has an ultrasound machine. The doctor there said they can use it to look at cancer, so if you want to take your mom up there, I can arrange that.”

I was surprised by Negan’s desire to help, “That would be wonderful. Let me talk with her tomorrow and see what she wants to do. You know how mom can be with me sometimes.” Negan rubbed my leg as I joke with him, “Maybe you should take her, she actually likes you.”

Negan laughed, “You think so?”

“Please, she’s in love with you. I’m sure she waits for the day you ask her to be your eighth wife.”

Negan rolled onto his back and rubbed his chin, “Not a bad idea.”

I playfully squealed in disgusted, “Ewwww! You have to choose me or my mother, you can’t have us both.”

“Well,” he sat up and began to run his hand up my leg, “I choose you.” He leaned in and kissed me.

* * *

The throbbing pain in my eye awoke me the next morning and I was still nervous that I could have a concussion. I found Dr. Carson, “Oh my, Miriam, how did that happen.” I retold my fictitious story about the bat. “Well, I think some ibuprofen will do the trick.”

“Thank you.” I was about to leave when I saw the medical journals and textbooks in Dr. Carson’s office. “Dr. Carson, can I ask you a question?”

“I suppose…” he seemed hesitant, like Dwight all those months ago.

“Don’t worry, it’s not about Negan.” Dr. Carson breathed a sigh of relief, “Would you be interested in teaching me how to be a medical doctor?”

“I would be honored dear, but is there any particular reason?”

“I guess Negan didn’t tell you, but I’m a psychiatrist, so I’m familiar with the chemistry and pharmaceutical aspects, but not the intricacies outside of mental health. And there can never be too many doctors.”

“Well, I don’t see why not, but aren’t you also teaching? I would hate to see you get yourself to involved and burn out.”

I was used to being busy, and all this sitting around was making me feel useless, “Dr. Carson, I assure you that I know my limits, if it becomes to much, I’ll cut back somewhere.”

Dr. Carson fiddled with a few instruments, “Could you just make sure Negan is okay with first, I would hate to overstep.”

I frowned a bit, I hated that _everything_ had to go through Negan, “Of course.”

I made my way back to my room where I found my mother sitting on my bed, “Mom, I was actually need to talk with you.” She stared at my eye, as did everyone who had seen me over the last twenty-four hours, “I know it’s bad, but I have some good news for you. Negan said there is another doctor at a new community and they have an ultrasound there. We could see where your cancer is and get further information about what we can do.”

“I know the cancer is in my stomach, and the doctor at the hospital told me without treatment I had maybe a year to live.” She was very matter of fact.

“Why didn’t you tell me this earlier?”

“What difference would it make? I mean I’ll be dead in a few months anyways.”

I just looked at my mom with bewilderment, “It makes a difference because people don’t die anymore, they come back as flesh eating monsters and it would be nice to have a heads up. Maybe talk about what you want to happen when the part that makes you who you are no longer exists.”

She took my hands, “Oh sweetie, just shoot me in the head.” I turned away from my mother and stared straight ahead.

I held my mother’s hand for a few moments until I heard the rumbling of the trucks coming through the front gates. “I need to go see Negan.” I let go of her and headed outside. I found Negan standing outside a truck full of furniture, food, and more surprisingly people.

He saw me and waved me over, “Hey babe, how’s the shiner?”

“I had to visit Dr. Carson for ibuprofen, but I’m doing okay.” I looked at all the stuff and people, “What’s all this?”

“Just some new Saviors. No use in leaving their stuff behind.”

I looked at the new faces streaming in, they didn’t seem excited to be here, “Are they staying here?”

“Why don’t you head inside, I’ll meet you in your room later.”

I knew better than to press my luck so I went back in to wait for Negan. I watched from the terrace in the wives living room area as all the possessions these people had left were now Negan’s; they were now Negan’s. I couldn’t understand how I had become apart of this, but I knew that there were ways to make it a little better.

Tanya found me outside and joined me, “You okay?” I merely shrugged, “I know it can take some getting used to, but just remember that those people would probably be dead if not for Negan.”

“I guess you’re right.” I wanted to believe how Tanya did, but I wasn’t ready yet.

I watched as the last of the new haul was organized and Negan greeted us, “Evenin’ ladies.” No one said anything, “Alright. Look, I’ve had a great day, so if you’re all in a mood then I’ll show myself out.”

Negan turned to leave, but I needed his permission to work with Dr. Carson, “Negan, one second.”

He turned around with a grin, “Yeesss…” I heard Ashley behind me make a remark, but was too focused to pay her any attention.

“I needed to ask you something.”

Negan huffed, and looked behind me, “You know I’m getting’ really pissed that none of you ever want anything from me except to ask me for shit.” He looked back down at me again, “Well spit it out since all I’m good for is favors.”

“I was wondering if I could possibly work with Dr. Carson, learn about being a medical doctor. It wouldn’t hurt to have another set of hands to help when people get sick.”

“Can I talk to you,” he grabbed my upper arm, “ _privately_.”

I followed Negan to my room as I clearly had no choice, “What’s wrong?”

“You know, I give and give and give and it’s never enough for you, is it?”

“What are you talking about? I just want to help.”

“It’s not enough that I let you teach; it’s not enough that I let you work in the garden; it’s not enough that I let you convince me the other wives need to help, now…now you want to be a fucking doctor. And not just that, but you have to ask me in front of them.”

“I’m not sure what the problem is.”

Negan picked up a vase and threw it against the wall next to me, I was stunned for a moment, and then I got angry, “Get out.”

“Who the fuck do you think you are?”

I raised my voice a bit higher, “I said, get out!”

“I let you stay here. I let your bat-shit crazy mother stay here, and you’re gonna try and tell me, _me_ , what to do?”

“I will not ask again, either you leave my room right now, or I’ll pack my bags and leave.”

“Just you try. Just try and make it out there. You’re all safe and cozy inside this place. You said so yourself that you have no idea how to protect yourself.”

“I’m sure I could figure it out.” I was trembling with rage, “If you can do it, I’m sure it doesn’t take a genius to know what to do.” As soon as the words came out, I hated myself, “Negan…” but it was too late. He looked at me like I just shot him, and he walked out without saying a word.

I went to my door, “Negan…I’m…I’m sorry.” But he was already gone and I had no clue if he heard me, or if it even made a difference.


	9. Cabin Fever

I knew I had fucked up as soon as the words came out of my mouth. Why did I say it? I loved Negan and I called him stupid. I was the worst kind of person. I slammed my door shut and stood for a long time wishing with all my might that he would return and knock on my door. I gave up the wish after ten minutes.

I didn’t know what to do or what could possibly happen from this exchange. I feared that Negan would expel my mother and me. And he was right, I had no way to defend myself, how could I be so confident. When dinner time rolled around, I heard a faint knock and opened it to find Frankie there with a plate.

“You hungry?”

I looked at the plate, “Not really. I’m too nervous to eat.”

“Yeah…we all heard your fight.”

“What should I do?”

Frankie came in and set the plate down on my table, “I don’t know. None of us have ever been so brave, or brazen, to call him dumb.”

“Oh Frankie, I’ve really messed up.”

* * *

An entire week passed and Negan wouldn’t even look at me. At his evening visits, he would ask for a specific wife and then leave. That was the only time I saw him now, no more smiles, glances, or kisses. He was icing me out, but he wouldn’t tell me to leave.

Sherry noticed my distress, “Mir, you’ll be okay.”

I began crying, “Will it?” I ran my fingers through my hair and hung my head, “I just want him to know that I’m sorry, but he won’t even let me get close enough.”

“He’ll come around, I don’t know when, but he’ll realize that you didn’t mean it and you’ll be in his good graces.” She wrapped her arm around my shoulder, “Besides, you actually are the lucky one.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Miriam, you gave up less than any of us here, and you actually want to be married to him. I think he knows that, or else he would have just forced you out.” I had hoped she was right, but in the moment, it felt impossible to think that he wouldn’t hate me forever.

I kept busy with teaching, learning with Dr. Carson, and the gardens, but anytime I had a moment to think it was back to Negan. It was during one of the daydreams that I felt eyes on me. I looked around and saw no one. I shook it off and returned to my room.

Just then Dwight came bursting into my room, “Miriam, you need to come quick. It’s your mom.”

I ran down the hall into my mother’s room and there was coughing up blood and gasping for breath, “Go get Dr. Carson! Now!” I shouted at Dwight.

When Dr. Carson entered, he calmly helped get my mother stable, but didn’t spare me from the news, “She’ll be lucky to make it through the night. I think it’s time to prepare for the end.”

Surrounded by people, I felt so alone, and only wanted Negan. I left my mother’s side and did the one thing I was told to never do; I went to Negan’s room. I raised my hand to knock, but paused, I knew this was the make-or-break moment. I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Negan answered, “Seriously?”

I stared up into his brown eyes, “Please, I can’t do this alone.” I cast my eyes down, “Please Negan, it’s my mother. Dr. Carson says she won’t make it through the night and I can’t do it. I can’t watch her turn.” Negan was silent, “You can never speak to me again after this, you can turn me out, but please Negan, I’m begging you, please I can’t do this alone. I can’t do this without _you_.”

He moved past me and I followed quickly behind; we sat together in her room for two hours. My mother’s gasping and wheezing was unsettling, but whenever the rattling of her only sign of life stopped, I feared that it was over. But then she would stir ever so slightly and I would hold her hand, or rub her forehead and tell her I loved her.

Negan sat in the corner; arms crossed as the setting sun made shadows in the dimly lit room. And when it was truly over, we waited. It seemed an eternity; her body was completely motionless and then suddenly a guttural moan was heard from her body. Her eyes flickered open and they were almost translucent. She began to sit up when Negan grabbed my shoulder and moved me away. He plunged a hunting knife deep between her eyes and pulled it out leaving a trail of blood over her face and the floor.

Tears streamed down my face and I felt too many emotions to process it all. Negan stood over her body, “We can bury outside the walls if you want us too.”

“Thank you.”

Negan dropped his knife on the floor, and scooped me up. He held me by my arms in a tight grip and looked me in the eyes and he kissed me. A deep, harsh, kiss. He pulled back, “Don’t ever call me stupid again.”

“I won’t. I’m sorry.”

“I know you are doll, and I shouldn’t have punished you for so long.” He looked back at my mother’s body, “Let’s give her a proper a burial as we can.”

Dwight and Simon dug a hole and with her body wrapped in a sheet Negan laid her in the ground. I made mention of a Sicilian custom where people would take turns shoving dirt on a body and the four of us took turns until the hole was filled.

Negan held my hand as we went back to my room, and he stayed with me until I was too tired to cry another moment. He wrapped me in his arms as I fell asleep; missing my mother, but relieved to be back in my husband’s good graces.

* * *

Life went on, as it did before and now, but it was different for me. I spent time thinking about my confusing relationship that I had with my mother. While she the source of so much pain, she was at the end of the day my mother, and I loved her. I only wished now that I had Aaron here with me, but he too may not even be alive anymore.

I was an orphan.

I spent more time with Dr. Carson; I wanted to be busy and away from my thoughts. “You don’t need to be here today,” Dr. Carson assured me one afternoon when I was trying to learn how to draw blood. Tears kept stinging my eyes and I couldn’t see.

“No,” I sniffled, “I want to be.” Tears stained my cheeks once again.

Dr. Carson wrapped me in a hug, “I know it’s hard, but I promise you, one day you won’t cry and you’ll miss her, but it won’t hurt as much.” I cried harder into his shoulder, leaving a wet patch on his shoulder.

“Am I interrupting?” Negan was at the door.

I pulled away from Dr. Carson and wiped my eyes, “Oh, no. Dr. Carson was only consoling me.”

“Do you mind waiting for me out in the hallway.” Negan’s jealousy flared.

“No.” I wouldn’t allow this to happen, “Dr. Carson didn’t do anything wrong. I was upset and he was being a friend.”

“Miriam…”

“Negan, stop.” I looked at him, searching his face. Was he being serious right now? His eyes were steely and looked through me. “Negan, you know that I love you. I am yours.” I stood between these two men, fearful that leaving now would mean a certain end for Dr. Carson. I grabbed Negan’s hands, “Look at me, I am _yours_. I am Negan.”

He stared at me, understanding that I was here for him and only him. My vow to him. Negan backed down. “It’s time to go. You can come back tomorrow.”

I held tight to Negan’s hand as we left Dr. Carson’s office together, where I was led outside to a waiting SUV. “What’s this?”

“We’re going for a drive.” Negan got into the driver seat and I climbed in the front. The gates were opened and Negan drove me away from the Sanctuary. I felt a pit form in my stomach, this was it. He was dropping me off somewhere and we were through. I wanted to protest, I wanted to plead, but I swallowed my tears and accepted my fate.

The sun was setting and I still didn’t know where we were heading. The drive was long and it gave me plenty of time to think of everything I could have done differently. Suddenly I saw the wooden sign; Negan was taking me back to the cabin. I looked over at him as he focused on driving. When he turned up the gravel road, there was just enough sunlight to see that the hole had been patched. “Negan?”

“Go inside.” He was cold, but I did as I was told. I climbed out the SUV and walked up to the door. The now red door, it still smelled like fresh paint. I walked inside and saw that there was new furniture, a bookcase, and most importantly, no hole in the side of the cabin. “Do you like it?”

I turned around to see Negan standing in the entryway, “It’s lovely.” I looked around another moment, “But why am I here?” I held my breath waiting for him to say that this is where I lived now.

He walked over to me, “Miriam, do you remember the last day we saw each other at ADC.” I shook my head ‘yes’; “Well I may have been a pain your ass then, but you’re a pain in my ass now.” I didn’t know if this was supposed to be a joke or where he was going with this, “And on that day when I kissed you, I feared that was it for us. I didn’t know how I would ever see you again. I was stuck in solitary confinement when everything went to shit. I had resigned myself to dying in that cell, but what kept me going was thinking about Lucille, Hannah…” he looked at me, “And you.” I leaned into Negan and he kissed the top of my head, “When I finally got out and called you, it took my breath away when I heard your voice. I may not have my other two girls, but I still had you…I still had someone to look towards.” We stood still in the middle of the cabin’s living room.

I looked up at Negan, “I really do love you.” I blinked back the tears welling my eyes, “I think I’ve always loved you.”

He held me tight against his chest, “There’s something else I want to show you.” Negan picked me up and carried me over the threshold of the bedroom. He set me down on the bed and climbed on top of me. As he buried his lips into my neck, I ran my fingers through his hair. I felt how hard he was already and wanted so badly to be this close to him once again.

He leaned up from me and I followed his lead. Lifting my t-shirt over my head and unhooking my bra, Negan watched me like prey. Negan grabbed the waist of my leggings and panties and slipped them off. He spread my legs open and licked circles around my clit. My breath hitched in the back of my throat and wrapped my hands around the back of his head. His tongue pressed into clit harder and the licks became longer.

Negan inserted two fingers into my wet, waiting pussy and I moaned as I pushed my hips into him more. I felt myself ready to cum when suddenly he stopped, “It’s not polite to not return the favor.”

I smirked at Negan as he laid on the bed. I lightly licked my lips and grasped his hard cock into my hand. I stroked his length as I took the tip into my mouth, “That’s it.” I took him deeper into my mouth and bobbed my head up and down on his massive dick. I was having fun teasing and pleasing him, but I was ready for him to fuck me.

I let go of his cock and straddled him, rocking my hips back and forth. “You are so fucking sexy,” Negan groaned as he pulled me down towards him and kissed me. Rolling over, he was now on top and I dug my nails in to his back. “Oh, does my doll like it rough.”

I had no idea why, but moaned, “I do. I want it rough.” Negan pounded into me harder than he ever had before and I couldn’t contain the loud moaning that was on the verge of a scream. Negan pulled me up towards him and I wrapped my legs around his waist and he picked me up and fucked me against the wall. I pushed my lips into his and I felt his tongue slip into my mouth. I couldn’t hold on anymore and I came all over his deliciously hard cock.

Negan laid me back down on the bed and continued to thrust deep inside me, he was getting close and pulled out, cumming all over my stomach. He went and fetched me a warm washcloth; I cleaned myself up. “Sorry ‘bout that, I forgot the condoms.”

“It’s okay.” I laid in the crook of Negan arm with my head on my chest. “You know there are other forms of birth control that we could use. I know that you’re not interested in having children, and honestly, I’m not sure that I do either, but I can track my cycle; know when I’m ovulation and what not. It’s about seventy-two percent effective.”

Negan laughed, “How do you know about all this stuff?”

“I am a doctor, not just a sexpot for your enjoyment.” Negan laughed again and I continued on my birth control spiel, “Anyways sir, all I’m saying is that if you and I don’t want babies, it’s better to have another plan in place instead of just using the pull-out method, which if done properly is ninety-six percent effective, however humans are human, so it’s about eighty-percent effective. So useless we always use condoms, which who knows how long we’ll have access to them, I think it’s important to look at all our options.”

“What a way to end that wonderful, hot, messy, dirty, freaky sex.”

“Well, as my sex-ed teacher in high school said, ‘Anytime is the right time to talk about birth control’”.

“If you say so, you are the doctor after all.”

Negan and I fell asleep with me wrapped in his arms. I awoke the a bright full moon. I didn’t want to disturb Negan, so I got dressed and went to the kitchen to see what there was to snack on. As I munched on some almonds, I felt it again. I waked over to newly repaired window of the cabin and looked for the eyes I swear were staring at me. I suddenly felt hands caressing my shoulders. I jumped slightly, but turned around, “You’re awake.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah. I just had this strange feeling that someone was…watching me.”

“Probably just one of those flesh bags out there.” He squeezed my hand, “Let me finished getting dressed and we should head back.” I shook my head in agreement. As we drove away from the cabin, I stared into the woods expecting to find someone there.

When we arrived back at the Sanctuary, it was late and I made my way back to my room. “Where do you think you’re going?” Negan stopped me.

“To my room.”

“Not tonight.”

Negan had told me that he could never tell me that he loved me, but he would show me. That night he invited me to his room and we slept together a real husband and wife.


	10. Baby Blues

Snow fell lightly and the cold air was the beginning. A test to see how the community would survive its first winter and we all felt confident. New Saviors had joined our ranks with new outposts for the overflow of people.

Negan’s army was growing with each week, but having more people around meant more responsibility for him. It was taking its toll and us wives could feel it. Negan was shorter with us, the sex was rougher, and he was away often.

The seven of us sat around; smoking, drinking, playing board games until our minds were numb. Despite teaching and learning with Dr. Carson, I managed to find time make almost daily trips to the library. It was just another quiet, cold, day when a scream from the bathroom was heard.

“I can’t believe it,” Ashley came out beaming. “Look at this,” she held out a positive pregnancy test in our faces. The other six of us looked at each other. “Well, aren’t you excited," she impatiently waited on us.

I didn’t know what to say, none of did. Negan had made no secret that he wasn’t interested in having babies; did Ashley not get the memo?

“Wow…that’s um…really great,” Sherry stammered.

“We should throw a surprise party for him.” Ashley, high on happiness, needed a reality check.

“Earth to Ashley,” Frankie waved a hand in front of her face, “You know Negan doesn’t want children. So, I don’t know if having a party is the best idea.”

“You’re just jealous. All of you! Just jealous. I’m giving Negan his first child.” My heart ached knowing that none of these women knew about Hannah. “He says he doesn’t want children, but when I give him a son, he’ll be throwing you bitches out on the street.”

Ashley didn’t care for me, but I felt a need to shield her, “Ash, maybe…maybe you should tell Negan by yourself, at first. You know, gage his reaction.”

“Gage his reaction? Why?”

“Well, you know, these things are delicate, private. And, you’re not even sure how far along you are. So maybe, it would be a good idea to just tell Negan and,” I looked around at the other wives, “we’ll keep your news private.”

“Jealous, jealous, jealous. A bunch of jealous bitches, but maybe I should tell him by myself. I don’t want any wet blankets ruining our happy news.” Ashley practically floated out of the room.

We all let go of our collective breaths, “I need a drink. Anyone else want one?” Amber was already behind the bar.

“I’ll have one." I downed a shot of something and turned around, “This is bad right?”

“Bad? This isn’t bad, this is a fucking disaster.” Tanya looked pale.

We all looked at each in disbelief and we waited for the bomb to drop.

* * *

“ _You’re what_?” Negan’s voice boomed off the cinder block walls. Then quiet. Ashley came bursting into the living room with tears running down her cheeks. She flung open the closet door and began throwing things into a bag.

“What are you doing?” Sherry asked as the rest of us just watched.

Ashley wiped away tears, “He said he doesn’t want children. And when I tried to explain that it was meant to be, he told me that I should get rid of _it_. So, I’m leaving.” 

“Leaving? Where are you gonna go?” The usually quiet Megan made a good point.

“I don’t know, but I can’t just get rid of our baby.”

“So, you won’t have an abortion, but you’ll got out there with lurkers and let them eat you alive? How is that different?” Sherry asked.

“Just leave me alone. Once I’m gone, he’ll come looking for me.”

Sherry lit a cigarette, “I wouldn’t count on it.”

“Will you all just leave me alone.”

I went across the hall to my room. I sat at my small kitchen table and tapped my fingers on the surface. This was bad for many different reasons, but Ashley wouldn’t survive out there. I didn’t know if I should convince her to stay or let it play out. In the end, I minded my own business, although I was already involved.

“Do you hear me Negan, I’m leaving.” Ashley shouted down the hallway. “My bags are packed. I’m really gonna do it, I’m going to walk right out those gates and you’ll never see me again.” Her steps were loud, but she was clearly stalling. It was becoming apparent that Negan was calling her bluff.

It was sad, it was pathetic, it was awkward.

Eventually Ashley realized he wasn’t going to stop her and she stomped down the hallway making every step know. Everything went quiet again, but the tension lingered.

“Hey Doc, ya busy?” Negan was already in my room shutting the door. His face was somber, “I need you.” I stood up and started to take off my shirt, “No, not like that." Negan smiles, "Although, I appreciate the offer. I want to know what you think I should do?”

“About Ashley?”

“Yeah.”

I looked at Negan, trying to decipher what he wanted me to say. Did he want my advice or just a confirmation that he did the right thing? “It’s no secret that you don’t want children, so it shouldn’t surprise Ashley that you aren’t excited about her pregnancy.”

“And?”

“And what? I don’t really know if it’s my place to tell you what to do…or not do.”

“Come on Miriam, you know better than I do that you’re a smart lady. Tell me what I’m supposed to do. Let’s pretend we’re having a session.”

“Negan, it’s not my job to be your conscience. But I understand whatever choice you make.”

“I didn’t ask you to support me.” Negan was getting heated, “I asked you to tell me what to do.”

“Fine, you want my opinion. You don’t want a child, she’s hell bent on having the child. Take her to another community and cut ties with her.” I stared at Negan, “Is that what you want?”

“See, that wasn’t hard.” Negan grinned slyly, “But I am.”

I didn’t have it in me to fool around, but Negan had a way about him that turned my ‘no’ into ‘yes’. Negan wasted no time dropping his pants around his ankles and bending me over my kitchen table. No kissing, no sweetness, just hard, deep pounding. I moaned and reached down in between my legs rubbing my clit as Negan quickened his pace. He smacked my ass and pulled me up to him by my hair, “You need to be taught a lesson.”

“I do? Well, why not show me how bad I’ve been.”

Negan spanked me harder, “You’re not gonna be able to sit down for a week after I’m through with you.” And he struck my ass harder yet. I moaned out reeling from the stings of his hand and the mixed sensation of pleasure. Opening a new world up to me I wanted him to fuck me harder. “You are such a dirty girl, aren’t you?”

“I am. I’m your dirty girl.” I kept rubbing my clit and I could feel myself getting close, “Negan I’m gonna cum.”

“Cum for me baby.” His husky voice was all I needed and I climaxed. Negan pounded me harder until he came, releasing his load all over my pink and red ass.

After I cleaned up, I went to sit down and Negan kept his word; I couldn’t. The pain made me wet again, and I wanted to straddle Negan for another fuck, but he had already pulled up his pants, “Well I guess I’ll go find Ashley and find her a new place.”

“Really?”

“This was your idea.”

“I guess I didn’t think you would actually do it. I mean, you can do whatever you want, in the end it's not up to me.”

“Why not, you’re smart.” He kissed me lightly, “And I don’t doubt for one second you would ever lead me wrong.”

Negan left me alone once more in my room to sort through my feelings about what Negan really thought of my role as one of his wives.

* * *

Negan came back later that evening with news that Ashley would not be returning. She was now living at an outpost and was no longer considered one of the wives.

It was a bit surprising to see Negan so casual about the entire ordeal. He was sending a clear sign to the remaining six of us that we were here, only _if_ he wanted us here.


	11. Spring

The weeks went by as spring blossomed; rumor was that Ashley had given birth to a baby boy she named Nathan. After our first successful winter I didn’t dare upset Negan with questions about him possibly visiting the baby.

“I think we should have a party,” Negan announced to his six wives over lunch one day.

We all looked at each with tight smiles, until Megan burst first, “You mean it! Like a real party?” She got up and kissed Negan, something I was still getting used to.

“I sure do; music, drinks, good food. I think we could use it after all the snow. A real treat for us all.”

It was truly exciting. Negan promise that he would find us all new dresses and he put us in charge of getting the event in order. At first it appeared to be a challenge; planning a party during the end of the world, but it was truly surprising what six women can do with a few supplies.

In a few days’ time, Christmas lights were fashioned into fairy lights dangling from mason jars in a court yard that was decorated with fresh wildflowers and tea lights. The sun was still setting early and cool crisp air had us all bundled together around a huge bon fire. As the night wore on and many of the Saviors headed to bed, Negan and I found ourselves alone. He sipped bourbon and I made myself at home with a glass of red wine, “Well Doc, we did it.”

“Did what?” I was a bit tipsy.

“All this,” his drink spilling as he waved his arm around. “I had a vision and we all did this.” He got up from his chair and walked towards me, “We can do anything.” The musk smell of alcohol on his breath was hypnotizing, “Come on say it with me.”

“We can do anything,” shouting in unison. I brought my arms around his neck and he picked me up, wrapping my legs around his waist.

“You have to be the most beautiful woman.” I kissed Negan deeply, “I…” Locking eyes, he wanted to say something, but stopped himself, “Fucking Christ Miriam, I…”

“I know, I love you too.” I kissed him again. Negan began carrying up the stairs towards his room. I could feel just how hard he was and the wine I had been drinking made me less ambitious. “Negan, I want you to take me. Do things to me that you’ve never done before.”

He growled into my ear, “My dirty girl.” He kicked open his bedroom door with his foot and closed it just as forcefully. Negan laid me on the bed and found his way on top of me. He put my arms above my head, “Keep these here.” He put his hands under my dress and bra; the rough pinching sensation of nipples made me gasp as my shoulder blades came together.

He lifted the dress over my head and unclasped my bra after allowing me to sit up. Placing his mouth around my breast and nipples, he began to lick, suck and bite. I tried to run my fingers through his hair, “No touching.” I wanted to be closer to him, but he teased me. I was pushed down by my shoulders and Negan kissed my stomach and slid my panties off. He kissed my hips and thighs. I could feel my pussy begin to throb with a desire to be touch, to be licked, to be fucked, but Negan was taking his time.

“Roll over,” he commanded and I did as I was told. In a moment of passion, Negan bit my ass and I yelled out in pain. He was startled by the loud noise, “Should I continue?”

Although the bite was unexpected, it filled me with just as much pleasure, and I allowed him to continue. He ran his nails along my back and I felt his hard cock dripping precum that slid in between my ass cheeks. His warm breath was at my ear, “There’s only one thing left that my virgin bride has yet to try,” and he rubbed a finger in between my ass, “I have lube, we could have some fun tonight.”

I was nervous but open, “Only if you’re gentle.”

“Scouts honor.” Negan leaned over me and opened the door to his bedside table. He warmed the lube in his hands then rubbed some on his cock before using the remainder to slid one finger inside. It was like our first time, all over again. I moaned and leaned into the new sensation. Negan leaned into my back used his free hand to rub my clit, “You’re so wet,” and he slid himself inside my wanting pussy. “Can’t let this go to waste”. As he fucked me, he entered another finger, “Baby, are you ready?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be.”

His cock was slick with lube and my juices as he pushed the tip inside my ass. My body felt instantaneously warm as chills ran down my spine. He slowly eased himself into me and I let go of my breath. “That’s it doll, just breath.” He grabbed my hips and began to slide slowly in and out.

“Negan…”

“I know, you’re so tight.” He continued to fuck me, “Touch yourself for me. I want you cum.” Following his instructions, I reached in between my legs to find myself wetter than I had ever been. I rubbed circles around my clit as Negan’s pace picked up. I suddenly felt fingers in my hair and Negan brought me up towards him and wrapped his arm around my chest. He held me tight and the new angle brought on a new sensation of pleasure. I began rubbing my clit again and I was at the edge.

“Negan, cum in my ass.”

His rough movement was the push I needed and I came. And a moment later Negan came deep inside me. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror above his dresser. My bright red cheeks clashed against my pale skin; I was truly a mess. A hard smack on my ass brought me back to the moment, “You are animalistic,” Negan said before kissing my shoulder.

I rolled over and put my head on his chest, “I feel like I should thank you…or something.”

Negan laughed, “Why?”

“I don’t know. You just bring out this side of me that I don’t think would have existed if I was married to anyone else.”

Negan laid his free arm on my belly, “And what side is that.”

I propped myself up with my elbow and looked at Negan, “A sexual demon.” I kissed him hard and slipped my tongue into his mouth.

Negan pulled me in closer before dominating the kiss, “Glad I could be of service.”

* * *

It was a slow day after the party; many of us were hung over and Chef made a big breakfast for the entire community of pancakes and eggs. It was what we all needed.

After eating Negan came and found me in my room, “What are you doing?”

“Just some spring cleaning. I can’t wait to open these windows again; let in the fresh air.”

“It will be great.” Something seemed off about Negan, “Do you want to come somewhere with me?”

“Sure.” I grabbed my boots and jacket and followed Negan out to the SUV, along with a few smaller trucks also waiting. Once on the road I asked, “Where are we going?”

Negan put his hand on my thigh, “I want to take you to Hilltop. It’s the community we found a few months back.”

Hilltop, in the world before, was a tourist attraction, showcasing life in DC (before it was DC) right after the Revolutionary War; Negan hadn’t told me that people were living there, but I was interested to see what became of the big plantation style house that sat on the land.

When we pulled in, the members of Hilltop stopped what they were doing and that’s when Peter Bischoff came bumbling outside. He looked different now; less hair and his once midnight black mustache was now a full grey beard. He had a pot belly and looked as though he was stumbling. Negan had never expressly said to omit knowing him prior to coming to the Sanctuary, but I felt it was an unwritten rule.

We both got out of the car as Saviors were waiting for instructions. This was the first time leaving the Sanctuary for business and it was jarring seeing everyone standing around with guns slung around them. “Good afternoon ladies and gentleman. You all know why we’re here, so let’s get started.”

“You’re early,” Peter swayed as he zigzagged down a small hill; I could smell booze on him when he reached Negan and me.

“Early?” Negan shook his head, “Don’t think so buddy boy.” He jabbed Peter in the shoulder just enough to make the former warden tumble a bit backwards.

“Where’s Jesus?” Peter's head lolled to the side, “He’ll tell ya, you said Saturday. And…and…”

I looked at Negan, then back at Peter, “It is Saturday.”

“Come on Pete, you’re piss drunk,” Negan chuckled, “Why don’t we go have a conversation in that office of yours.” Negan grabbed my hand and we followed Peter inside.

The historical house sat in almost the same condition when I had toured it with some friends from Howard many years ago. It was strange seeing some the Saviors using the furniture next to partitions that read, ‘Do Not Touch, Thank You’. I climbed the stairs feeling the smooth antique wood under my fingers, it was such a beautiful house.

A huge oil painting of the original owner hung over the desk in Peter’s office. He flopped into the plush desk chair before he pointed to me, “I know you.” I froze not knowing if this was a good thing or not. Peter started snapping his fingers trying to jog his memory, then revelation, “Doctor Miriam Ash!” his eyes went wide. “How in the hell did you two end up together?”

“Long story Pete, but attention needs to be here buddy. I got word from Simon that you’re holding out on us?”

Peter got scared, “Holding out? Negan, come on you know that every week we give you half of whatever we have and we’ve done that. If we have two potatoes you get one. If we have two hunting knives, you get one.” He hiccupped, “So whatever Simon has told you is incorrect.”

“You sayin’ Simon’s a liar?”

Peter put his hands up defensively, “No, no, no, no, I think he’s just misinformed.”

Negan walked over to a closet in the office, “So what the fuck is this?” There inside were cases and cases of whiskey.

“Well…that…did you also mean alcohol?” Peter tried to play dumb.

Negan slammed Lucille down on the desk making Peter and I both jumped, “It’s everything, and you know that?”

I noticed that Peter’s hands were shaking, possibly from fear or a lack of booze, “Well…if…if…it’s everything…take half.”

Negan laughed, “Well you see, it will be half of what was supposed to be ours last week, and then half of what’s left.”

Peter went to protest, but cast his eyes down, “Of course Negan. Fair is fair.”

Simon and Dwight made their way in and started taking the cases of whiskey. Negan watched carefully. When satisfied with the progress being made he took me meet Hilltop’s doctor, Harlan Carson.

“Nice to meet you,” I shook his hand, “Any relation to Emmett?”

“I’m his younger brother.”

“Oh, that’s nice. He’s been teaching me over at the Sanctuary. He’s just a wonderful doctor and such a sweet guy.”

Harlan nodded, “Yeah…thanks.” Negan loomed in just behind me making the doctor uneasy, “So…is there anything I can help you with today?”

Negan rubbed the back of his neck, “How’s Ashley? The baby?”

Harlan sat down, and opened a notebook, “She came by a few days ago for their check-ups. Both are doing well. Ashley's healed, and Nathan’s gaining weight.”

“That’s good.”

I was taken aback about Negan’s interest and asked, “Do you want to go see them? We could go together.”

“Thanks Doc.” Negan took my hand and directed me towards the SUV. He called Simon over, “Mir and I are gonna head out, radio me if Pete gives you anymore problems.” Negan backed out and started driving. It was quiet.

“Negan?”

“Miriam, what if…what if,” Negan pulled over, “I can’t handle it if another one of my kids die.”

“Harlan said that he was gaining weight, that’s a good thing. Sounds like Nathan is thriving.”

“Thriving?” Negan chuckled, “In this world?”

I took his hand, “Negan, you can’t spend the rest of your life avoiding him. That little baby is still your son whether you’re in his life or not. And eventually Ashley is going to move on and I don’t think you’ll like knowing some other man is raising your child as his.”

“I’m done with Ashley.”

“That’s fine, but I think you’ll feel better if you just go and see him.”

Negan started the SUV back up and drove to the outpost. When we arrived those outside fell on bended knee when they saw it was Negan. A red-head woman name Felicia came over, “Hello sir,”

“Where’s Ashley?” Felicia directed us inside.

We both stood outside her door before Negan worked up the nerve to knock. A sweet sing-song voice came from the other side, “Just a moment.” Ashely’s face dropped when she saw who it was, “Negan? Miriam?”

“Can I see him?” Negan was to the point.

“Of course.” I stayed in the hallway not wanting to intrude, “You can come into, if you want.”

“I’ll stay out here. Let you three have your moment.” Ashley left the door open and I watched as Negan carefully picked up the small, weeks’ old child. Swaddled in a white blanket the baby whimpered softly.

“Hey there little man, it’s me…your daddy.” I smiled at the sweet scene and brushed a tear from my eye.

“I just saw Dr. Carson at Hilltop. He said that Nate is growing well.” She kissed the top his cap covered head, “He’s an eating machine; he’s strong.” I walked outside to give them privacy.

After an hour Negan found me sitting at a bench reading a book, “You ready?” We got back into the SUV and headed back to the Sanctuary.

Negan took my hand, “I love you.”

“What?” I was shocked.

“I said I love you.” He was quiet for a few minutes, “You’re still a pain in my ass sometimes, but I love you.”


	12. 10,764 seconds; 8,872 seconds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter deals with a gang rape. I have bolded the section where the assault takes place. Please feel free to skip that part if it's something you're are not interested in reading.
> 
> If you, or someone you know has been a victim of sexual assault, please call 800.656.HOPE (4673) and a RAINN associate will help.

Summer was quickly approaching and the warmer days were giving away to a bounty of food and newer residents. One such person was quickly becoming a dear friend. Maria, her husband Sam, and their daughter Annie had joined the Saviors after being found living in a veterinary’s office.

Maria was smart and funny; she had such a quirky way of viewing the world, but that made our time together enjoyable. In the world before, Maria and Sam had been agriculturalists; traveling all over the world to help grow crops in devastated areas. Their help with our gardens had taken us from ‘just enough’ to a bountiful variety of vegetables and even some fruits.

“We’ve missed some of the growing time, but we’ll have plenty for the upcoming winter.” Maria assessed what we had already started. Sam was even able to make some solar powered hydroponics with hopes of growing even through the winter. Finding the Marquart’s was a blessing to the Sanctuary.

* * *

“Earth to Miriam,” Maria waved a hand in front of my face, “Are you gonna help me or not?”

“Sorry,” I inhaled deeply, “I just love days like this.”

“Me too, but we won’t be able to enjoy a second of it if you don’t get your head out of the clouds and help me finish cleaning up this brush. This garden expansion isn’t going to finish itself.”

Negan came to see the progress, “Ladies, it’s perfect.”

Maria dropped her knee distinctively, “Thank you, Sir.”

I rested my hand on top of the rake I was holding and looked at Negan with pleading eyes, “Oh…no need for that,” he looked at me as I mouthed her name, “Maria.” he finished.

She was confused, “Of course…thank you, Sir.”

“I can’t believe how well this is all coming together,” I said looking around at the soon to be new gardening beds.

“Well, none of this would be possible without you,” Negan put an arm around my shoulder and kissed the top of my head.”

“And everyone else,” I looked at Negan. He was always so encouraging of me, but neglecting the fact that this _was_ a collective effort.

Maria and I began the cleanup process and would finish the rest tomorrow. **I was putting the solves in the corner when it went black. I reached my hands up to feel a cloth over my face and tried to take it off.**

**“Don’t make a sound,” an unfamiliar voice whispered in my ear. Was this real? I opened my mouth scream for Negan, but the first sound didn’t even escape before a hand covered me, “Feel this?” Something cold pressed again my throat and I knew instantly it was a knife. “Break the rules again and see how sharp it is.”**

**And in a moment of clarity, I remembered my training from the prison; “If you’re ever taken hostage the best thing to do is cooperate. Studies have shown that a cooperative hostage has a survival rate of eighty percent. Remember to stay calm and do as you’re told.” The instructor’s calm voice played through my head. I didn’t open my mouth again, but I felt my feet leave the ground as a pair of arms looped under my and another paired grabbed my legs.**

**There were two. I was carried around and heard a squeaking sound; metal, perhaps? I felt a sharp pain in my right calf and warm liquid began to travel down my leg.**

**“Move, move, move,” was all I heard from the voice that held a knife to my throat. It was more than two, I could hear feet crunching leaves and branches. A small part of my legs was visible as was the dimming sunlight from the bottom of the hood. I tried to breath calmly but the further we got from the Sanctuary the more terrified I became.**

**10,764 seconds, give or take. I counted the seconds to keep myself present, to stop my mind from racing to the darkness. I was thrown to the ground like a sack of potatoes.**

**“Strip her.”**

**“Please, don’t. Whatever you want, whatever you need I can get if for you.” I pleaded.**

**“Strip her.” I heard snickers as I felt my boots taken off my feet and my jeans torn away. I began shaking uncontrollably, “Looks like we gotta live one boys.” More laughing. The knife that was once held to my throat was now cutting off my shirt and bra, “Well look at this, such pretty pink flesh.”**

**Then I felt him inside me. It hurt and I started to hit his back with my hands, “Hey at little help here.” He tried to pin my arms down as he continued to violate me and two hands held me down. I looked to my left and saw a hand with the number ‘44’ tattooed on it. I focused on it and counted to forty-four repeatedly, trying to keep my mind away from the physical sensations.**

**I thought it was over, then another. Black ring on their pinky. I cried inside my hood. Then another. Gold bracelet. They were going to kill me. Then another. Unusually dark and coarse hair. Then another. The letter ‘W’ burned into their right hand. When the last monster had finished with me, I had nothing left. I wanted to find a safe escape and make my way back to the Sanctuary, back to familiarity, back to Negan.**

**I smelled fire. With what energy I had left, I assumed they were going to burn me alive. The five of them sat, they laughed, they talked, they acted like I wasn’t lying bloody on the ground.**

**“So, whatta we gonna do with her?” one of them asked.**

**“I have an idea.” My limp body was picked up and placed against a tree. I was held up when it was apparent that my legs would hold me. Rough, scratchy, rope was placed around me in a spiral configuration. I began to feel myself losing consciousness and I started to mumble.**

**“What the fuck is she saying?” I felt the heat radiating off his body and knew he must be close.**

**“The first known records of solitary confinement was used during the Shang Dynasty…Prisons using this technique often find more violent outbursts with inmates…The for-profit prison system…” I was trying to focus and the only thing I could remember was my dissertation presentation.**

**“Something about prisons?”**

**I heard quiet and suddenly I let out a loud scream. Hot searing pain radiated through my body. Then quiet. I heard crickets chirping, the birds were now asleep and the sun had set. The cold air hit my skin and shivered. I felt a few mosquitos begin to bite my flesh. They hadn’t killed me, but left me for dead. My head swayed from side to side and I could feel myself getting too cold, too tired, too weak; I couldn’t keep up the fight. I tried to listen for those creatures. Would I die before they got to me?**

* * *

I could see light peaking in through the bottom of the hood, and I had never been more grateful to know that the sun had risen. I was still alive!

With what little strength I had left, I clung to hope that I would be found. I kept myself alert by thinking about mundane tasks that I used to do. I ‘drove’ to work; trying to recall all the street names; how long each traffic light lasted; side roads I would take if there was traffic. I remembered the layout of the grocery store I used to shop. I went through every chapter of ‘The Giver’ my favorite book. I moved my hands and feet the best I could to try and free myself from the ropes. The fidgeting only caused friction and eventually burns so I stopped.

I tried to think of how long I had been out here, tied to a tree, naked, with only a small sliver of visibility. I could feel the sun warmer now and thought it may be noon. I tried to prepare myself for another night, cold, and alone in the dark. I tried, but fear took over and I couldn’t breathe; the hood was finally suffocating me. I started taking deep breaths, making me dizzy and I began to disassociate. I was floating in between life and death.

The sun was only beginning to set when I heard footsteps, the sound of running. I was certain the ones from yesterday were returning and my heart began to rapidly beat. I started shaking again and my vision was blurry. Then the hood was ripped off my head. “Cut her down.” I slumped forward but felt strong, warm hands catching me. I felt something warm wrapped around me and I was being carried.

8,872 seconds. The pace was urgently quicker than those taking me to the tree, but I had no idea where these steps had taken me.

* * *

I awoke not certain of how long I had been out. I looked around comforted to know that I was back in the Sanctuary’s safety. I tried to sit up, but pain radiated down my spine and I cried out. Dr. Carson came in, “Miriam!” he rushed over to me and sat in his chair, “Miriam, do you know where you are?”

“I’m back at the Sanctuary.”

“Good, and do you know what day it is?”

I became tearful and looked down at my hands, “N…no. I’m sorry.”

“Oh, don’t cry now, Miriam. I’m only wanting to establish your faculties.”

“What day is it?”

“It’s Sunday. You’ve been unconscious for about three days…and,” Dr. Caron trailed off.

“How long was I out there.” I begged, “Dr. Carson, please tell me, I want to know.”

“Two days.” The sadness from his voice made me cry harder and he enveloped me in a hug. “Miriam, I’m going to go get Negan, just sit tight. He’s been itching to see you.” Dr. Carson helped to prop me up. Once he was gone, I smoothed my hair as best I could and tried to look my best, but it made no difference. As soon as I saw him, I lost it.

Negan came to me, “Miriam…” he couldn’t speak any further, he only cupped my cheek and tenderly kissed me.

“Negan, I’m so sorry.”

“Sorry? For what? Baby you did nothing wrong.”

“But I…but I…”

“But nothing. You did nothing wrong. These assholes did this to you. I have no idea how those fuckers got in, but I’m not gonna stop until we find every one of them.” Negan slammed his hands on the cinderblock walls.

“Negan, please." I felt like my head was going to explode, "Will you just lie with me?”

He took off his jacket and climbed right next to me, holding me tightly in his arms. I buried my face in white shirt and inhaled the familiar scent of him and cried, “Thank you for saving me.”

“Mir, I haven’t been this scared since…” he trailed off. He kissed my forehead, “What’s important is that I didn’t lose you, and I’m never gonna lose you. I’ll always be there.”

“Negan, when you do find them will you promise me one thing?”

“Anything.”

“Will you promise me that when you find them, and I know you will, will you bring them here alive? I want to watch them suffer.”


	13. One more sunrise

I hadn’t left my room much since the attack, I didn’t feel safe. Some of the children I had taught brought me wild flowers and sang me a song. The other wives spent time painting my nails, watching movies, or just sitting with me. I was completely paralyzed with fear. Even the thought of simply standing was too overwhelming to me. I made Negan promise to always keep someone outside my door.

I wanted to crawl out of my skin when I realized that the searing pain, I felt over a week ago, had been those monsters branding me with a ‘W’ over my left breast; between that and the rope I knew that this attack was planned. I stared at myself in the mirror realizing that my body was no longer mine and I hated looked at my reflection. I eventually took to the covering the bathroom mirror with a towel.

There was a somberness that lingered throughout the entire Sanctuary. Fears that another person could be taken put Negan on edge. He was spending as much time with me as he could; knowing that being with him made me feel the safest. “Simon’s outside fixing the gate,” he assured me one evening.

“That’s good.” I mustered a half smile, “Have you had any luck with finding them?”

“Their makeshift campsite gave us some clues. And we think we may have found them. I want to make absolute sure that it’s them because these fuckers will pay.”

“Just remembered that you promised to bring them here alive.”

“I know, and I will, but I just don’t understand.”

“Because I need to see their faces. I can’t let it go. I want to look them in the eye. I want to watch them die.”

Negan tucked some hair behind my ear, “Doll, if that’s what you want, then I’ll make it happen, but watching a man die…well…it changes you.”

I became hysterical, “And you don’t think I’ve been changed already?” I turned away from Negan, “Look at me; I can’t even get out of bed. I want to die. Everyday…everyday I,” I looked at Negan; I had never seen him look frightened before.

“You want to die? Well not on my watch.” He raised his voice.

“It’s not really up to you is it?”

He sat up from the pillow he was leaned up against, “Like Hell it’s not.” Sitting now on the edge of the bed looking away from me, Negan hung his head down, “I’m not going through this again. I can’t lose another woman that I love. So, if I need to make a fuckin’ padded room and put you in it, then I will.”

I stopped myself when I realized that he already had lost so much and now I was threatening to devastate him once again, “Negan,” I reached for him, “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to be sorry.” He faced me once again, “I know this isn’t you, I know that you would rather that this hadn’t of happened, but Darlin’ it did.” I found my way into his arms and he rocked me gently, “And I’m gonna make sure that you do whatever you need to do to heal, but you will not die from this.”

I sobbed, “I just want to be better.” I cried for a long time, and Negan just continued to rock me back and forth. I eventually fell asleep.

* * *

When I got up the next morning, Negan was still there, holding me. I gently unwrapped myself from his arms and sat up in bed. I looked at the man who had saved me so many times already and knew that for once, he couldn’t be my savior, that this was something that I had to do on my own.

I sat on the edge of the bed, I let my feet dangle and I took a deep breath. I was ready to put my feet on the floor when I felt a hand on my back, “Hey Doll, you okay?”

“No, but I want to try something.”

“What’s that?”

“When I was an intern, I worked with women who had suffered from PTSD. I remember working with this one young woman who had suffered from a similar assault to mine. Of course, then I could only empathize with her, but we had a plan; each day she would push herself, just a little bit further. And the first day started with just standing up.” I put my feet on the floor, “And today, I’m going to stand, and if that’s all I can do, then I’ve accomplished something.” I stood up and in that small victory I felt pride in myself for the first time in a week.

Little by little over the next several days I pushed myself. First with standing and eventually I was able to walk with Negan to my first appointment with Dr. Carson. 

I gritted my teeth and tried to focus my breath while Negan let me squeeze his hand. It was all too much as Dr. Carson did an examination.

“Just try to breath for me Miriam, I know that this isn’t mentally or physically comfortable, but I promise I’ll be quick.” He took the speculum out and had me sit up, “Everything is healing nicely. I still recommend bedrest for at least another five weeks.” He opened his mouth to say more, but stopped himself.

“Dr. Carson?”

“Well, I know of a therapist at another community that Negan works with, a Marcia Andersen. You know as well as anyone how these events are just as emotional and psychological as they are physical.”

I started to cry, “I know, but not yet…” I looked at Negan, “Not yet.” I had only just left my room for the first time in seven days and Dr. Carson was already talking about ‘out there’.

“She’ll go when she wants to,” Negan told Dr. Carson.

“Of course, you’ll go when you’re ready.” He patted my shoulder and looked at how the scar on my chest was healing. I looked up at the ceiling as he did this. Just another reminder of the events. “That’s healing as well? Is it itchy all?”

“Not really,” I said as I looked back at Dr. Carson.

“Just let me know if it does, we have aloe vera.”

I thanked the doctor and immediately went back to my room. Negan followed me in and closed the door, “Can you have a seat for me?” he gestured to my love seat. “We found them."

My heart beat quickened, “You…you did? When?”

"A few nights ago, but I wanted to make certain it was them and have a plan in place for capturing them. We’ll head out tonight. And I promise we’ll bring them back alive.”

I blinked back tears, “Thank you.” I got up and hugged Negan, “Please don’t get hurt.”

He laughed, “Me? Get hurt? Never.” He kissed me softly, “I’m coming home to you Doll, don’t worry.”

Negan stayed with me until it was time to leave. Simon had offered to stay with me that night, which I found odd, but figured he was just wanting to be helpful. I paced my room as I heard a truck rumble out of the gates. Negan had his plan in place and now I had to wait.

* * *

The sun was starting to rise and Negan had yet to return. I began to fear that something had happened to him and the other men. “Simon, did you hear anything on the radio?”

“No, not a peep, but their okay.” Simon was being very reassuring.

“How do you know?”

He looked at me with an unsure gaze, “I don’t know, just call it intuition.”

“Sure,” I nodded, “intuition.”

“Miriam, you’ve been up all night. Why don’t you try and get some sleep.”

“I can’t, not until I know he’s back.” And that’s when we both heard the gates open and the rumbling truck come rolling in. I felt a sense of relief take over me, but also fear because now those monsters were in my home.

I tried to occupy my mind, but no matter what I did, I couldn’t relive my anxiety. I needed Negan, he would tell me what he did, where those monsters were at, and make sure I was safe.

“Hey doll,” Negan was at my door and found me curled up on the corner of my bed. I relaxed a bit just seeing him; I opened my arms towards him wanting a hug. “Don’t worry, they’re here, but they can’t get you. I’ve got them all locked up in cells.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” He looked at my face, “Did you sleep at all last night?”

I cast my eyes down, “No…I couldn’t. I was too worried.”

“You need rest.”

“But…” I tried to protest.

“But nothing, you’re going to sleep.” Negan turned his head towards the door, “Simon, go get Dr. Carson.”

Dr. Carson appeared a few moment later and Negan asked him to get me something to help me sleep.

“But I don’t want anything.”

“Mir,” Negan looked at me, “I know that you want to see them. I know that you have a lot of questions, but you need to get a clear head. Sleep for a few hours, eat something, take a shower. They’re here for as long as I keep them alive, and until you get to see their faces, they get to stay alive.”

I gave in and Dr. Carson gave me some Benadryl, “We’ll give this about thirty minutes before we try something stronger.”

I started to feel my body get heavy and my eyes eventually closed. By the time I awoke the sun had already set.

I opened my door to see Dwight standing guard, “Hey Miriam, you hungry?”

“Yeah, but um…how long was I asleep?”

“Twelve hours.”

“Twelve hours? What time is it?”

“It’s a little after seven,” he said looking down at his watch, “Let me go get you something to eat and let Negan know you’re up.”

I heeded the rest of Negan’s advice and took a hot shower. I found Negan and plate of chicken alfredo waiting for me. I wrapped my hair in a towel and ate, “This is so good.”

“I bet it is, you haven’t eaten much in the last few days.”

I pushed the pasta around my plate, “I’m sorry.”

Negan took my hand, “Miriam, you don’t need to keep apologizing.”

“Yes I do…” I began to cry, “I keep making you worry; I keep making everyone worry. The world is falling apart and I’m just sitting in my room having a pity party for myself.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Negan was agitated, “You’ve been through some serious shit, and everyone here knows you’re doing the best you can.”

We were both quiet for a moment, “Listen, I didn’t mean to raise my voice. It’s just so damn heartbreaking to see you so unlike yourself. I miss your smile and laugh, but I know you’ll back to that one day.”

Dwight came in and whispered something in Negan’s ear. “I gotta go take care of something, but Dwight’s gonna stay here with you.” I nodded in agreement.

Dwight was about to go back to his post in the hallway when I stopped him, “Do you want to join me?”

Dwight set the rifle he was carrying against the wall and took the seat previously occupied by Negan, “Sure.”

“I feel bad when you have to stand up for so long.”

“It’s not so bad, after a while you get used to it.”

I wanted to apologize, to tell Dwight that I was sorry for making him stand outside the door for hours on end, but I pushed it down and instead tried to squash my anxiety by getting answers; “Dwight…tell me about what happened…when you,” I swallowed, “Where did you find them?”

Dwight seemed apprehensive at first, “Maybe Negan should tell you.”

“Or you could just tell me. From the very beginning if you don’t mind.”

_I’ve never seen Negan scared before; he was in the War Room with Simon, myself, and a few other senior level Saviors. We were talking about a new group that we may have spotted and that’s when Maria came bursting into the room, “Sir, I am terribly sorry for the intrusion, but we can’t find Miriam.”_

_Negan offered a few places that you usually hang out at, but Maria said that all those locations had been checked. She explained how you went to put the gardening stuff away and you hadn’t been seen since. It was then that Sam came in and said that they found a scrape of denim and blood on the fence next to the shed._

_No one needed permission, we just the left the room and headed towards the shed and that’s where Negan found that a false wall was in place. The fence was only secured at the top and was easily lifted-up. No one knew how this happened; the fences were secured when we put them up, everyone here made sure of that._

_The breach was staring us all in the face, and then we knew, simultaneously, that you had been taken. Negan called a mass meeting and the strongest ones were selected to start searching for you, only stopping when he said._

_T_ _his scared the shit out of everyone; they were worried that someone else could be taken; worried about you. Negan assured the Saviors that they were going to be safe and left a few men behind to protect the Sanctuary. Negan said to search a five-mile radius to start, and sent us all out. Eventually it got too dark to continue. The next day, we all picked up where we had left off, and to be honest I figured you were most likely dead. Negan however, he said he knew you were out there, and he’d find you._

_It was beginning to get dark again and Negan was getting agitated. I think for him, the thought of you being out there another night took his mind to dark places. Simon and I were with him when we noticed something attached to a tree. As we got closer, we knew it was a person, or a new lurker. Negan made it perfectly clear that we were to let him make the decision about what to do if you had reanimated._

_It was horrifying to witness the state that you were left in; completely naked, tied to a tree, with your head covered. You were mumbling a few words, but none of us know what you were saying. Negan ordered us to cut you down and wrapped you in his jacket. He ran almost five miles, carrying you in his arms. I have no idea how he didn’t collapse. I can’t even begin to describe the sense of relief when we knew you were still alive, but Dr. Carson was very honest about the likeliness of you making it, and it was grime._

_Negan ordered him to use any resources we had to get you better. It was hard, but all any of us could do was sit and wait; it was torture. You had a lot of visitors; Sherry, Frankie, Tanya, Megan, Maria, Sam, Annie; so many people._

_And when you finally woke up, there was a sense of relief throughout the Sanctuary. It was literally a phenomenon; Dr. Carson said you were a medical miracle._

_Negan told us that we were going to find who did this to you, and everyone agreed that until we did, no one would truly feel safe. It took a bit of convincing that we were to bring them back here, alive no less, but Negan said that it was orders; it was what you wanted._

_It took a few days, but we found a camp. We watched them for a while to make sure that these were the right people; we noticed that a lot of them had a ‘W’ carved into their foreheads and didn’t think it could be a coincidence. He breached their camp and started taking the men one by one. In total there were eleven that we brought back here._

_Negan said that you had seen some jewelry and tattoos that would help you identify them, but to be honest, Negan’s going to kill them all. It’s not up for debate, we can’t risk retaliation._

I felt all my breath had been sucked from my body, “You okay?” Dwight had a look of slight panic, “Do you need Dr. Carson?”

“I…I’m…I’m okay.” I stared breathing again, “So now what?”

“I guess that’s between you and Negan.”

I finished eating and Negan returned, “Everything is all ready to go. The only question is: Do you want to do this tonight, or let them see one more sunrise?”


	14. Reasons

Eleven men sat in metal folding chairs, arms tied behind their backs, gags in their mouths. I stared at them; not one of them looked scared and it pissed me off.

Negan had gathered the entire Sanctuary to witness the demise of these individuals. I began to look at their hands and wrists as I circled to the back of the chairs; all these men were destined to die, but my concern was for the individuals that had broken into our home, stole me away, and attacked me.

“Negan,” I whispered, “I don’t see the ‘44’ tattoo…” I scanned the hands again, “He’s not here.” Knowing that there was one more out there, meant there could be eleven more, or hundred more and I couldn’t bare the thought that these monsters could hurt someone else.

Negan walked over to a man and aggressively pulled the gag out his mouth, “Where is the one with the ‘44’ tattoo?”

“Fuck you.” He spat in Negan’s face.

He wiped the saliva from his face, “Not very smart.” I nervously tucked my hair behind my ears and watched as Negan sauntered over to the furnace, and placed a glove on his hand. Dwight took an old-fashioned iron out of the flames and Negan took it from a hook. My eyes stayed train on Negan as he walked back over to the same man. Everyone was silent as Negan held the iron close to the man’s face, “Let me ask again, where is the asshole with the ‘44’ hand tattoo?”

The man’s eyes looked at the iron, then Negan, “Fuck. You.” The sound of his screams filled the air as the iron contacted his skin and the smell that followed was putrid. I clamped my eyes shut and turned my head in a downward side angle. I wanted to stop this, but I didn’t know if I could at this point. Negan put the iron back on the hook and back into the fire it went.

“Looks like someone pissed their pants.” Negan laughed, enjoying the torment he was inflicting; my stomach churned. “Don’t worry, I’m right here with you Doll.” Negan stood in front of me now and placed his hands on my upper arms. I looked up at him, he could tell I wanted to cry, “Don’t give them the satisfaction,” he whispered in my ear. I swallowed my fear and anxiety and followed Negan’s lead. “Which one goes first?” He moved behind me.

Despite their comrade slumped over, with third to fourth degree burns on his face, the Wolves appeared fearless. I looked over my shoulder at Negan, and whispered, “I don’t know.”

“How about this?” Negan put Lucille in between my two hands with his covering mine. He puppeteered my limbs and pointed the top of Lucille towards each person, “Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch, a, cocksucker, by, their, toe.” Unlucky number ten, “Do you want to do it?”

I looked at the bat in my hand. The barbed wire was tarnished and beginning to rust. The wood was stained a burgundy so deep that no amount of scrubbing could wipe away the previous kills. I stared at number ten; his teeth yellow and grey; unkempt, matted hair; a ‘W’ carved into his forehead; dressed in dusty, dirty, ragged black clothing. I began to roll the bat’s handle slightly in my hands and then squeezed the grip so tightly that my knuckles ached and turned white. I began to carry the burden of a guilty feeling the pit of my stomach and my heart was racing; time was standing still. Negan’s words filled my head, “It changes you…”, but I was already changed. Wasn’t I? I shook the doubt away and stared back at Negan once again, “Yes.”

I felt all the eyes of the Sanctuary upon me as I walked to and stood in front of the man. Negan instructed me from behind, “Lift her up high, and when you’re ready, slam it down on the crown of his head as hard as you can.” I raised the bat and the cracking sound sent shivers down my spine. The bared wire stuck in the soft flesh, “Now rip it out,” Negan commanded. The suction let go with a wet splatter, flinging blood droplets on my face and shirt, “Again.” Negan stood behind me giving much needed guidance. Number ten made gurgling noises and was already slumped to the floor making the second, third, and final fourth hits much easier. I stopped when I saw brain matter spilled on concrete floor of the Observation area.

Power radiated through me, and my next choice was the man with the gold bracelet. I ripped the gag from his mouth, “Where is he?” I taunted; he sat still and maintained eye contact. I brought Lucille down and killed another one. I began to feel nauseous as the smell of blood filled the air, but maintained my composure. I handed the bat to Negan, “Finish them.” I stood back as the blood on my face dried and watched Negan go down the line. Everyone was given their chance to give up ‘44’, but they wouldn’t.

When it was all over Negan instructed people to clean up the Observation area as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. We walked silently to his room where Negan turned on the shower. He stripped me of the blood-stained clothes I donned and joined me to clean up, “How do you feel?”

I stood facing the water as I rubbed the blood from my skin, “Sore.”

“Two’s a lot,” Negan lathered my back with soap, “especially for your first time, but you did great. You have amazing marksmanship.” I let the water rinse my back and saw Negan smiling at me, proud of his prodigy.

“I was hoping I would feel better.” I moved in the shower so that Negan could rinse off, “But instead I just feel oddly empty.”

Negan turned off the water and handed me a towel. We quietly dressed into clean clothes and I stared out the window. I surveyed the woods; maybe I would see ‘44’ and the end of this terror could finally be resolved. I heard the light clanking of glass and turned to see that Negan had poured himself a bourbon and a shot of something for me, “Here, drink this.”

“What is it?” I sniffed the small glass filled with yellow liquid; the scent burned my nose and soured my stomach.

“Just drink it.” He sipped his bourbon as I placed the drink to my lips. The liquid burned as it went down, but filled my body with a comforting warmth. “It’s tequila,” Negan laughed, “Now come and relax.” I snuggled into Negan, “Listen Doll, the only thing that will make this better is the cliché of time. You can kill every one of them, but revenge can’t heal you.” He took a long sip of bourbon, “Yeah it feels good – someone hurt you, you hurt them – but it won’t make you whole again. That only happens when you’re ready,” He sat up and we looked at each other, “And you’ll know when you’re ready.”

I knew this; I was the psychiatrist after all.

* * *

I was preparing to see Dr. Carson for another check-up. I knew the importance of these physicals, to ensure that I was healing, but it was an all-day event for me. The anxiety of preparing, the sensations of the exam, having the reminder that it had been one week, two weeks, three weeks, and now four weeks since the attack.

I sat in my room waiting for Negan to go downstairs with me when Dwight knocked on my already opened door, “Hey.”

“Hey Dwight.” He continued to stand there, “Can I help you with something?”

“Negan wants me to take you to Hilltop.”

I furrowed my brows, “Why?” Dread filled my body, “I’m…I’m not ready to leave the grounds of the Sanctuary.” I shook my head ‘no’, “Why can’t I see Dr. Carson here?”

Dwight entered my room, “Miriam, you know as well as I do that Negan gives orders, he doesn’t make requests. I’ve been instructed to take you to Hilltop, and that’s what I’m doing.”

“Where’s Negan?” I shook my head in disbelief, “He wouldn’t do this to me. Why does he need me to go to Hilltop, I’m not going anywhere until I know why he wants me leave and see Harlan.”

“Miriam,” Dwight stepped closer to me, “I know you’re scared. Negan knows you’re scared, but maybe he knows you’re ready.”

“But I’m not.”

“I know I’m not Negan, but I promise I won’t let anything happen to you.” Dwight’s sincerity was almost convincing. “Negan never explains, but he has his reasons. Sure, it would be nice if he would share those reasons with us.” We both laughed. 

I wanted to cling to Dwight with the anxiety I was feeling, but what if someone saw and…my thoughts were interrupted when I felt Dwight take my hand, “Don’t worry, Negan told me that I could hold your hand.”

And there it was, the reason; Negan knew I couldn’t even start the healing process until I faced my fears. I was comfortable enough inside the walls of the Sanctuary, being near Negan, but I was still paralyzed. Negan was, in his own way, telling me, ‘I won’t always be there. You are braver than you think. You've got this.’

Dwight and I drove outside the gates in a small sedan and headed towards Hilltop. I turned around in my seat, watching the Sanctuary disappear, “I’m gonna throw up.” I announced to Dwight.

“Are you serious? Do I need to pull over?”

“I don’t know…” I took several deep breaths, “Just keep driving…but keep the windows down.” We drove past trees, burnt down house, and a few lurkers. I tried to concentrate on the beautiful day.

It felt as though an eternity had passed when we finally arrived at Hilltop. Peter was sitting in a rocking chair on the porch when we exited the car. He came swaying towards us, drunk already despite it only being eleven in the morning, “Miriam?” He squinted his eyes, “I thought I dreamed of you.”

Dwight pushed him away, “Alright, alright, back up Peter.” I stood still by the car looking to Dwight for instruction, “Negan said you should go see Dr. Carson; the other Dr. Carson.”

I walked over to the trailer and knocked on the door. “Come in,” I heard Harlan from the other side of the door. I swung the creaky door open and stepped in, “Hi!” He remembered my face, but I could tell my name was slipping his mind.

“Miriam.”

“Right, I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright. We’ve only met once before.” We stood there for a few moments in our awkward politeness. “Um, so you’re probably wondering what I’m doing here.”

“I’m a doctor, I assume medical help. Are you sick…pregnant?”

I told Harlan about the events that had transpired a month prior and how Negan had sent me here for a check-up. “I had been seeing your brother.”

“Are you comfortable with this?”

I began to cry. No one had asked me that, I just told myself that it’s what I needed to do. I was a professional, both Dr. Carson’s were professionals, I didn’t need to worry about any of it, but there was Harlan asking me if I was comfortable. “I…I don’t know.”

“We don’t have to do an exam, that is unless Emmett thinks there’s some reason.”

“No, every week he said that I was healing well and that I just needed rest.”

“Then why are you doing a check-up today?”

“I’m just scared that something might be wrong.”

Harlan rolled his stool closer to me, “Whatever you tell me is between you and me. And that includes Negan.”

“I’m scared that I may want a child in the future, and what if…” The fear bubbled up and formed into huge tears that streamed down my cheeks, “What if I can’t. I don’t even know if I want a child, but before it was a choice, and now…well if now it’s not a choice and they stole that from me.”

“Well let me ease your fears. Just lay back and we’ll do an ultrasound. Let’s see if we can find any evidence that shows us something.” Harlan put cold jelly on top of my pelvis and pushed the wand down. He rolled back and forth; up and down; taking a few pictures. I sat on the exam table while he looked at the grainy, black and white photos. “Miriam, everything looks good.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.” Harlan looked at me and could see my anxiety, “Have you talked to anyone?”

“No, I just feel so stupid. I’m a psychiatrist and I can’t even deal with this. I know what I’m supposed to do; I know that this isn’t my fault, I know that not every man is going to rape me, I know…”

“No one is questioning your intelligence. When we’re taught in school that it’s unethical to treat family members, that includes ourselves.”

I nodded in agreement, “I’ll talk with someone.” Harlan gave me the same name as Emmett; knowing that I was out of options I would talk to Negan when I got back to the Sanctuary.

Dwight flicked a cigarette away as I made my way back to the car, “You ready to head back.”

“Yeah.”

“You okay?” He stared at my red eyes and splotchy face.

“I just want to go home.” I saw trees, burnt house, and lurkers once again. I really wanted to enjoy the beautiful day, and as the Sanctuary came into view, I felt my anxiety lessen. Negan was outside when we returned and I thankful and angry all at once. I walked towards him and allowed myself to be enveloped in a hug. I looked up at my husband, “Don't ever do that to me again.”

Negan let go of me and walked to my room. I shut off the lights and crawled under the covers. I fell asleep until the next morning with a resolve to meet with my own therapist. I was ready to start healing.


	15. Miriam, Warrior Princess

“Why is it important for you heal quickly,” my therapist Marica Andersen asked during our first session.

“It all just seems so ridiculous. I’m a mental health professional; I know that what I’m feeling is a reaction to a violent event that I know is not my fault. So why can’t I help myself move past this?”

Marcia and I walked along the beautiful lakeside beach. The cool breeze from the water helped keep my mind clear. “Miriam, is it possible you’re being too hard on yourself. It’s been six weeks since the attack; would you expect anyone else to ‘be over it’ already?”

“Of course not, but most people aren’t equipped with the tools that we have.” I stopped walking and stared out at the water, “I know I’m being too hard on myself. This is who I am; I’ve always pushed myself. No matter how hungry, tired, sad, I just kept moving forward. Now I can’t, most days it’s tiring just thinking of getting out of bed. I’m a failure.”

“Are you a failure, or are you human?”

I could feel the tears coming, “I just want to be better. I want to be my old self again.”

We started walking again, this time back to Maria’s cabin, safely behind the walls of Water’s Shore community. She put a kettle on the stove for tea and we sat in her living room, “Miriam I know you are an intelligent young woman; your educational success is impressive as it is unconventional. What happened to you, however, has nothing to do with your intelligence; it’s about your emotions.” The kettle whistled and Marica went back to the kitchen to make our tea. “Do you want anything, sugar, honey?”

“A little honey would be nice.” I took the mug and let it warm my hands and inhaled the steam wafting to the surface. I stared out the window for a long time, watching the waves lap to and fro, “It’s really peaceful out here.”

Marcia hummed lightly, “It is.”

I turned back to her, “I’m scared to be honest.” I stared at my mug, “I lie awake at night and stare at the ceiling waiting for someone to attack me. Every sound makes me jump; every person makes me feel uneasy. I hate being outside my bedroom. The only time I feel any sort of comfort is when I’m with Negan.”

“What about Negan makes you feel comfortable?”

“No one would ever mess with him. He’s over six feet tall, he’s strong, he’s brave, he doesn’t hesitate to kill.”

“Do you believe that if you were strong and brave that this wouldn’t have happened to you?”

“Of course I do. If I was more intimidating, I wouldn’t be sitting here right now.”

Marica nodded, “Let’s pretend that you’re not you. A patient comes to you; she tells you that she was a victim of a violent attack. She’s sitting before you blaming herself that she couldn’t emotionally move past it quick enough; she wasn’t strong enough, that she wasn’t brave enough. What would you say to her?”

My chin quivered and I tried to swallow my tears, “I would say that understanding and believing that this isn’t your fault are vastly different feelings. That until she truly believed that this wasn’t her fault, she will feel stuck; even when she believes that this, she will still have days where she doubts that belief and herself. That she not only lived, but survived. That she is strong; that she is brave.” I wiped my tears away, “I would tell her she was a warrior.”

Marcia contemplated for a moment, “Did you know that the average person can speak 160 words a minute, but can think 1600 thoughts a minute?” I looked at Marcia, curious as to what this had to do with anything, “So you may tell yourself, ‘this isn’t your fault,” but if you’re thinking, ‘I’m weak, I’m not brave,’ your words can’t win against your thoughts. You’re in an uphill battle against yourself; maybe it’s time to give yourself a break. Fight a little each day, but rest when you need too.”

I was emotionally drained, and laid my head against the back of the plush arm chair, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Same time next week?”

The thought of being this emotionally drained overwhelmed me, but I knew that it’s what I needed, “Next week, for sure.”

I met Dwight at the entrance of Water’s Shore, “Ready?”

“Yeah.” I fell asleep on the long ride back to the Sanctuary. When we returned, I asked Dwight if he could find Negan for me and have him come to my room.

“Hey Doll, how’d it go today?” Negan greeted me with a warm smile and bear hug.

“I’m exhausted. Would be able to just lie down with me?”

“Of course.” We snuggled close to each other and Negan’s warm hands rubbed my back. I felt safe here, in his arm, laying in my bed together. I looked at up at Negan and wiggled up toward him placing a soft sweet kiss upon his lips. “What’s that for?”

“I just love you,” and I kissed him again. Negan’s hands traveled up my back and wrapped me in his arms, holding me close to him. Our kisses, once light, were now passionate. Opening my mouth wider, Negan slipped his tongue in my mouth and he was quickly on top of me. I looped my arms around his neck and pulled his face closer to me, “Negan, I need you.” I could feel how hard he was. It had been over a month since we were together like this. He pulled me up and lifted my t-shirt over my head and unhooked my bra; then shed his own shirt. I laid back down; my jeans and panties were slipped off me. Negan tossed his jeans and boxers to the floor.

Negan looked down at me, and I saw the hesitation in his eyes. He bent down to kiss me, but before his lips could touch mine again, he pulled away, “I need to go.” Propped up on my elbows, I watched as Negan quickly dressed and left me alone and naked in my room.

“What the fuck,” I muttered out to myself. I took a deep, choppy breath, and got up to get redressed.

* * *

I ate dinner with the other wives that night. It had been so long since the five us had the ability to just sit around and laugh like old friends. Of course, we had our differences, but there were only four other women in the entire world who knew what it was like to be ‘married’ to Negan. The wine flowed freely as all our cheeks became pink from intoxication.

Sherry turned on some music, “Come on let’s dance.” Amber made her way behind the bar as Frankie, Tanya, Sherry, and myself started drunkenly dance to the sound of Madonna.

_You must be my lucky star_

_Cause you shine on me wherever you are_

_I think of you and I start to glow_

_And I need your light and baby you know_

Amber popped the cork on a sparkling wine bottle and the sound made us all scream in excitement. Dwight, Simon, and Negan all rushed to find us doubled over with laughter as white, sticky, suds spilled down Amber’s hand. Simon and Dwight quite enjoyed the show, but even in my stupor, I noticed Negan’s sadness.

Frankie pulled Simon into our room and began dancing with him, “Come on guys, let’s live a little.” Simon looked for Negan who had already turned around and walked away. Simon only shrugged and motioned for Dwight to join us. In a rare instance, Negan didn’t seem to care that his wives were alone with other men.

_If we took a holiday_

_Took some time to celebrate_

_Just one day out of life_

_It would be_

_It would be so nice_

The party continued in the early hours of the morning, and drunk off alcohol and the feeling of normalcy gave me confidence. I walked to Negan’s door and knocked. I waited a moment, knocking with more persistence until the door swung open, “What the fuck are you…” Negan, realizing it was me stopped himself, “Mir, are you okay?”

“I’m better than okay.” I playfully rubbed my hand on his chest.

He rubbed the bridge of his nose, “Doll, it’s six in the morning…and you’re drunk. Go to bed.”

“Okay,” I agreed.

I tried to push past to go to Negan’s bed, but he blocked me, “No, in your room.”

“But I want to be with you.”

He only pointed down the hall, “Now.” He closed the door in my face; the force causing a small breeze to move my hair slightly.

I hugged myself as I made my way to my room, falling asleep with all my clothes on.

When I awoke late in the afternoon, I was happy to find that I wasn’t hung over. I sat up on my knees and rubbed my eyes before turning around to see Negan sitting on my loveseat, reading a book. “Finally awake?”

“Yeah,” I felt a bit groggy, “What time is it?”

“Two.”

I sat sideways across the bed and looked at Negan, “How long have you been in here?”

“Long enough,” He showed me he was reading Ulysses and was over halfway through the titan book.

I sat in silence hoping that he would explain why he had been waiting for me to wake up, but no such luck was to befall me, “I’m hungry. I’m gonna head down and get something to eat, you want anything?”

“I’m good, I’ll just wait for you to come back.”

I headed down to the cafeteria and grabbed an apple, some chips, and a huge sandwich. I made my way back up to the third floor, and sure enough Negan was still there waiting for me. I sat my food down on my bed and began eating, “So…what’s up?”

Negan looked up from his book, “What? Oh…nothing.”

I looked at Negan, he seemed deflated, “What’s wrong?”

He was thoughtful for a moment; uncharacteristically searching for the right words, but being Negan came up short, “What the fuck was up with that shit show last night?”

“When I came to your room?” The heat rising to my cheeks showed my embarrassment.

“That, and all of you. Drunk off your asses, dancing with Simon?”

I swallowed a bite of apple, “We were just having some fun. I guess after the last few weeks of being holed up in here, I just wanted to let loose. It wasn’t planned or anything.” Negan closed his book, setting down on a side table. I couldn’t get a read on him; was I in trouble; was he worried? “Negan?”

He got up and walked over towards me, taking a huge bite out of my sandwich, “Well did you fun?”

I was hesitant, “Yes.”

He lightened up, “Good.” He still seemed off, but I decided it was best not to push my luck.

“I wish you could have joined us.” I ran my hands through his hair, Negan hummed in satisfaction from my touch.

“I was busy.”

I frowned slightly, “Maybe next time?” I leaned down and kissed Negan. Once again, he returned my affection, but as quickly as thing heated up, Negan shut it down.

He let out a frustrated grunt, “God damn it!” He pushed my hands away, “I can’t.”

“Why,” I asked, searching his eyes for an explanation.

“I just can’t…what if I…” he trailed off.

“If you, hurt me?” I looked down and drew a circle on the knee of jeans with my finger.

“Or scare you?” He tilted my chin up, forcing me to make eye contact with him.

“But I need you, I want you. I promise if it hurts, or becomes scary I’ll tell you to stop.”

“Last night when I saw you laughing and dancing, you seemed liked yourself again. I loved seeing your smile…and I wanted to go to you, scoop you in my arms and bring back here. Give you what we both need; a good old fashion fuck. Then I think about how I found you, what happened to you and when I saw that ‘W’ burned into your chest it just pissed me off and reminded me of everything you must have dealt with.”

I ran my hand over my shirt and caressed my branding, “Oh.” I felt ashamed, but had a thought, “But what if this is my marking of survival. They tried to kill me, but here I am, still alive, trying to convince my husband to have sex with me.”

Negan chuckled softly, “You have no idea how amazing you are sometimes.”

I kissed Negan again, “My session today went really well, and I have a way to go, but let’s not give them the satisfaction,” I echoed Negan’s word he told me when I wanted to cry at the execution of the captured Wolves. “It’s a ‘W’ and it means what _I_ want it to mean. It means I’m a warrior.” I moved the remaining food from the bed as an invitation that I was ready.

Negan and I undressed each other; I laid there under Negan and he traced his fingers lightly over my chest marking, “Warrior?”

“Warrior!” I pulled him down on top of me and let a sign escape my lips as Negan entered me. It was spectacular, and when we were finished, Negan held me so close that I thought we might meld into one person. I finally felt myself sort of believing that I was brave, that I was strong, that I really was a warrior.


	16. Plan of Attack

“Will you stop Maria; I promise I’m okay to help. Dr. Carson gave me the go-ahead days ago. And I’m tired of being cooped up inside all day. It’s so beautiful, please let me help.” I was begging my friend to let me work in the garden again.

“Negan’s okay with this?”

“No, but he also wants me to be happy.”

“Alright!” She hugged me close. “I hope you know how much I love you, and I’m glad you’re ready to do old things again. Let me go grab the wheel borrow so we can get rid of these weeds.”

“I’ll do it.” I was eager to get back to work.

“Are you sure? It’s…” Maria trailed off.

The wheel borrow was in the very shed that I had been abducted from, and it did scare me, but I wanted to face my fears to realize that I was safe at the Sanctuary and knowing Negan was just inside made me feel at ease. “Maria, I’m okay. I promise.”

I began my walk towards the shed, but when I rounded the corner I froze in place.

Simon saw me and his eyes widened. I started to turn around and began screaming, “Negan! Negan!” Simon tackled me and pinned my arms to my chest with hand and put another over my mouth. I started to disassociate again, but brought myself to reality by kicking my legs. I was not going to be a victim again.

“Shut your fucking mouth.”

I managed to get my upper teeth around Simon’s hand and bit into his flesh. He recoiled his hand and I screamed again, “Negan!” Simon tried to cover my mouth again, but it was too late. Two large hands grabbed him around his ribs and threw him to the ground. I stood up and ran to Negan where he wrapped me in a protective hug.

“What the fuck is going on here?”

I looked at Simon, getting himself off the ground, “Tell him Simon. Tell him or I will.”

Simon pointed at me, “Whatever she says is a fucking lie.”

Negan looked down at me, “Well she hasn’t said anything. So, one of you better start talkin’.”

“Tell him Simon. Tell him who you were just talking to.” 

“I wasn’t talking to anyone. She’s fucking crazy.”

Negan walked over to Simon, “Say one more thing about her and I’ll rip your God damn head from your shoulders.” He came back to wrapping me into the safety of his arms.

Simon wasn’t saying a thing, “Negan, he was talking to one of the Wolves. Right there.” I pointed to the very spot where the fence had supposedly been fixed by Simon; the spot where I had been taken out through, to be brutally assaulted, and left for dead.

“She’s lying,” Simon accused me with a pointed finger.

“Then why did you attack her?” Negan wasn’t stupid.

“I…I didn’t attack her. She came around to the shed, probably got scared, or had a memory, or some shit. She started screamin’ and I didn’t want anyone to think that we had been attacked again. So, I tried to calm her down.”

“For fucks sake Simon, then why the hell did you tackle me?” He was good, but I was better.

“You scared the shit out me with that howler monkey, death scream of yours.”

I unwrapped myself from Negan’s arms and walked over to the spot where Simon had been talking with the enemy, I picked up a folded piece of paper off the ground and saw the blood drain from Simon’s face. I walked over to the fence, “Negan, it’s not even repaired.” I pushed out the false fence wall to reveal an easy access point. Opening the paper revealed a crude map with only two locations marked off, the arsenal and Negan’s room.

Negan examined the paper, “Well boys,” Negan talked to his men behind him, “It looks like there has been a dissension in the ranks.” He put the paper in the breast pocket of his jacket, “Simon, Simon, Simon.” Negan shook his head disapprovingly, “What are we gonna do with Simon?”

Simon was on his knees, “Negan, let me explain.”

“Please do. Would you like to start with the fence, or the map, or better yet,” He squatted down next to Simon’s ear, “I’m tickled pink to know exactly why I found you on top of _my wife_. A woman who’s survived enough bullshit in the last few months that she deserves sainthood.”

“She was never part of the plan.” I glared at Simon with disgust, “That’s on them.

“What the fuck are you talkin’ about Si?” Negan squinted his eyes for further explaination.

Simon started pleading his case, as if it mattered, “You’re getting weak.” He spat the words out towards Negan. “These people need a leader that isn’t going to be taken in by some doe-eyed girl.” He stared at me, “Until she showed up, you were Negan. Now you’re just some love crazed buffoon. She’s made a fool of you and weakened our strong hold.” Simon looked up at the sky, “As for what happened to her, they went rouge. I told them to take a few people hostage. Grab the guns, take you out and I would rebuild this group back to where it’s meant to be.”

Negan picked Simon up by the collar of his shirt, “And how did that work out for ya?”

Simon double downed, “They’ll be back.”

“And we’ll be waiting.”

“She’s…”

“Simon, shut the fuck up.” He held tight to the scumbag, “Miriam, darling, you suffered because of this man, so it’s only fitting that you choose his punishment.”

Simon was witness to how I doled out my punishment to the Wolves that Negan had been able to capture previously. I looked at Simon, staring into his eyes. He showed me no remorse, he showed no regret, and then said, “Just hurry up already, you stupid cunt.”

“Thunderdome!”

Negan dragged Simon off to the caged area. I followed behind and Dwight quickly saddled up next me, “Miriam, do you think this is the best idea?”

I stopped walking, “What? Of course I do. This man is the reason that those rapists even had access to this place.” Dwight looked, seeing a change in me he didn’t like and started walking where Negan was.

By the time we had caught back up, Saviors were coming outside to see what all the commotion was. Negan made a booming proclamation about Simon’s misdeeds and how he would be punished, “Let this be a reminder to anyone who wants to fraternize with enemies.” He opened the gate and shoved Simon inside before swiftly closing and locking it. 

“Negan! Negan, please.” Simon pleaded.

“It’s your call.” Negan looked down at me, “I’ll let him out if you want me to.”

I crossed my arms, defiantly staring at the pathetic pool of a man, sobbing through the diamond openings of the chain link fence. Saviors stood at the ready to let the starved lurkers have their snack. I was resolute in my decision, until I looked at Dwight. My friend’s clear blue eyes pleaded with me. I was on a precipice and began to doubt my choice; maybe Dwight, and now I, feared that I was becoming a blood hungry, revenge seeking, psychotic mess. “Let him out.”

Negan looked surprised, “Are you sure?”

“Let him out. Lock him up somewhere else, but I don’t want to have any more blood on hands.”

Negan moved behind me and placed both hands on my shoulders, “Alright Simon, by the grace of Saint Miriam, you have been spared death.” The gate was unlocked and Simon led away, but Negan stopped the Saviors taking him any farther, “Oh Simon…Don’t you have something to say to Saint Miriam?”

He was turned to face me, and with absolute gratitude, he said, “Thank you.”

* * *

I sat alone in my room and could hear the fence being welded closed; truly being repaired, but I didn’t feel safe. Negan had the entire perimeter painstakingly inspected and assured me that it was airtight. Extra security was placed around the grounds and along the roof. If any of the Wolves tried to breech the Sanctuary, they would be dead before they realized it.

I sat in my room curled up in a ball on the love seat when I heard a knock on my door.

“Mind if I come in,” Dwight asked.

I wiped the tears from my eyes, “sure,” I murmured. I dried my hands on the legs of my pants.

“You did the right thing. Simon is a piece of shit, and he deserves his punishment, but Miriam…” Dwight looked for the right words, “I’m worried about you.”

“I’m sorry.”

Dwight sat across from me, “No, you don’t need to apologize. I just want you to know that you are sweetness in a very bitter world, and I don’t want you to lose yourself in all this. It’s easy to do…trust me.” He looked listlessly away; I knew he was thinking of Sherry. “I know that’s why Negan loves you. It’s why all of us love you.” He laughed, “Did you know…” He was on the verge of tears from laughing.

I started laughing myself, “What? Did I know what?”

“Did you know that you’re nickname around here is ‘First Lady’.”

I smiled broadly, “Shut up. No one calls me that.”

“Yes we do; we all do. Even Simon.” We both laughed at how stupid it was; “But it’s not mean.” Dwight got serious again, “It’s because we hold you in such esteem. I’m not the only one who thinks that you keep Negan from being an outright caveman. You two really balance each other out.”

I faintly smiled, “Thanks Dwight.” I squeezed his hand, “You know, sometimes when I’m alone at night and I start to miss my brother Aaron, I think about how lucky am that if he can’t be here with me, at least I have you.”

Dwight left me to start his surveillance duty on the roof and I was alone with my thoughts. I still wasn’t sure if I had made the right choice with Simon, but as I thought about it, Simon alive was more beneficial to me; after all that mysterious fifth Wolf was still out there.

* * *

“…and under the pretense that you have weapons for them to use, the Wolves show up, and bam!” I slapped my hands together, “We’ll take them by surprise as we pick them off like fish in a barrel.”

Negan laughed, “It’s fucking brilliant.” He scooped me up in a massive hug. I had never been in the War Room to strategize before and it filled me with energy. I ran my idea by Negan several days prior and he was so intrigued that he insisted that I present the idea myself.

Simon sat in a chair, handcuffed with a split lip and a still healing black eye. I took pity on him, but didn’t ask who did it to him. “Why should I help any of you?” As he spoke, I could see that he had a tooth knocked out; “I’ve been in a dark disgusting cell for days, I’m starved, and I haven’t been allowed to shower.”

“Simon, if you do this, then maybe you can find your way back into the community. If not,” I paused, “well, maybe you’ll have to fend for yourself out there.”

Simon wasn’t buying it, “This is exactly what I’m talking about. She’s going to get you all killed.”

I felt confident that my idea would work and Negan agreed; everyone in the War Room seemed to think it would work. We only needed Simon to lure them to the Sanctuary. Negan wanted to use physical force to get him to cooperate, but I knew how to get him.

“Can I have a moment alone with Simon?”

Negan and Simon shared a look; “Absolutely not,” Negan bellowed.

“Five minutes and I promise if what I have to say doesn’t work, then I’ll let you handle it.”

Negan leaned down into my ear, “I’ll be right outside, he tries anything just yell.” He kissed my neck and left with the others.

The door slammed shut and I sat on the edge of the table facing Simon, “I’m not gonna beg you to help me. And I believe you; I know that your plan didn’t include me.” Simon finally looked at me, “And I know this, because as I was being dragged through the woods they were laughing about ‘Snake being an idiot’, ‘Snake’s stupid plan’. And I didn’t know who Snake was until just a few moments ago.” I pointed to the Snake tattoo on his upper arm. “Simon, they don’t give two shits about you. At least if you do this, you can gain some of Negan’s trust and respect back. Or,” I shrugged my shoulders, “you can see how things fair for you with the Wolves. It’s up to you.”

We both sat quietly for a long while, “If you can convince Negan to get me some fucking food, a shower, and a real bed to sleep in, I’ll do it.” Simon knew he had been had by the Wolves; maybe thinking the Devil you know is better than the one you don’t.

“Deal.”

I opened the door and Negan stood alone with a foot propped up against the wall, “Well…”

“He’s in. And I think it’s only fair if we let him eat and get cleaned up. He’ll be no use to us if he looks like that when he goes to see the Wolves. He needs to heal up and get some rest for a few days.” Dwight unlocked the handcuffs and Simon was given his old room, of course under lock and key.

The Sanctuary began to prepare for a war on the home front.


	17. Far from home

It was truly a mystery how I convinced Simon to once again join ranks with the Saviors, to take down the remaining Wolves. Negan, in particular, was annoyed that I wouldn’t divulge my secret, “In due time my love,” I said caressing his face, “trust me I’ll tell you when the time is right.”

Simon was finally healed enough to keep suspicion at bay as we prepared him to venture out to bring the Wolves right to our front door, “Just remember to keep what you say simple. If they ask a question…”

“I know, you’ve told me about fifty times already,” he mocked my tone of voice, “Try to answer with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’, if they need more information _only answer what they ask_ , no more, no less. I got it!”

I wasn’t amused, “Simon, you act as if you know how to be a good liar, but you have no idea how much small cues give away the truth.” I smiled sarcastically, “For instance, let’s say, they ask, ‘What happened to your tooth?’,” I pointed toward his mouth. Simon rambled on for a good five minutes with an explanation and when he finished, I looked at him, “See, you’re a terrible liar. A good lie is based in the truth.” I gave Simon a crash course in lying, “Ask me how my tooth was knocked out?”

“This is stupid, I’m not playing this game.” Simon was agitated with me, “They won’t ask about my tooth, let me go out there and take care of this shit.”

“Simon, ask me how my tooth got knocked out?”

“Fine, how the fuck did you lose your tooth?”

“I was caught off guard by a lurker, fell down, and the damn thing was lying on the ground when I got up.” I looked at Simon, “See it’s easy enough, not too many details, completely believable, then get back on track.”

Simon rolled his eyes, “Yeah, I got it. I’m ready.”

Simon was let out of the gate; Negan, Dwight, and myself watched him as he drove away. “You think he’ll rat us out?” Dwight asked.

“Doubtful, unless he also wants a bullet between his eyes.” Negan seemed certain of Simon’s recommitment to the Saviors and the Sanctuary.

“Either way,” I offered, “they’re on their way and we’ll be ready.”

“ _We_?” Negan asked.

I looked up at him, “Yeah, we.” I furrowed my brows in confusion, “I’m staying right here to do what I can.”

“It would be a cold day in hell before I let that happen,” Negan’s words of disapproval contradicted his affectionate touching of my face, “You and everyone else that hasn’t killed out there,” he said pointing beyond the gates, “are going to outposts.” I began to protest, “Miriam, this isn’t up for debate, you have a great plan, but you’re not staying.”

“But I’ve killed before.”

“That was a controlled situation. Moving targets; that’s a completely different ballgame Sugar.”

“Negan…”

“Miriam, you’re going. Pack a bag. This conversation is finished.” He walked away, leaving me alone with Dwight.

He lit a cigarette, “Don’t even ask,” seeing that I was ready seek his help and walked away too.

I was annoyed, but knew Negan already had enough to worry about. As I walked to the third floor the unease was thick in the air. Families packed their rooms with looks of wonder if they would ever return. An overwhelming sense of guilt filled me; this was my idea. Maybe Negan would declare war on the Wolves, but would he be so brazen to invite them right to our front door.

When I found myself back in my room I packed slowly as I reflected on the cabin; it felt like a million years since then, but it had been a little less than two years. I was lost in thought as I packed some shirts, not sure how long I would be gone when Frankie and Tanya made themselves know, “You ready? Negan’s waiting.”

“Almost.” The two women that stood before me seemed somber, and in my reflective nature I apologized. Neither offered acceptance or unacceptance, they only glanced at each other before Frankie said, “We’ll see you outside.”

I found Amber still in the living room, she was slumped on the couch, with half closed eyelids. “Come on Amber,” I helped her up, “time to get going.”

She leaned into me, “I miss Mark.” I looked at her unsure of who Mark was, I hadn’t heard the name before. Amber hiccupped, “Do you know where Mark is? I want to say good-bye.”

“Come on,” I hooked my arm around her waist as she had her around my neck.

When we made it outside Negan was annoyed at our tardiness, “Come on, Simon should be coming back in about an hour and I need to be here.”

I hustled Amber into the back of the truck bed and once again, and maybe for the last time watched the Sanctuary fade from view. Arriving at the outpost, men who had been forced to fight, said good-bye to their families and filled the tuck bed where the five us wives once sat. Negan did his due diligence and kissed each one of us farewell. When he got to me, he squared my shoulders with his hands, “Listen to me, I don’t know what’s going to happen.” I swallowed hard, thinking that this may be the last time I would ever see my husband, “But if I’m not back in three days, read this.”

“Okay,” I held the envelope close to my chest; Negan began to walk away, but I ran lightly and stopped him, “I lied to him.”

“What? Who did you lie to?” He turned back to face me.

“Simon, I lied to him to get him to help us.” I held Negan’s arm, giving up my magic trick to spend just a few more moments with the man I loved, “I took a chance and he played right into it; his ego is out of control and that’s what I did. I told him the Wolves called him stupid and made fun of him, but they didn’t.” Negan stared at me with proudness, “He’s going to come back, and he’s going to kill more Wolves than any of the rest of you. He thinks they don’t respect him, that they used him, and you need to keep up the pretense.”

Negan grabbed me into a tight hold and placed a rough and deep kiss upon my lips; if this was our last kiss, it rivaled any movie or book ever written. He placed his forehead against mine, “Don’t read that letter unless it’s been three days.”

I kept the tears at bay, “I’ll see you again, I know it.” I looped my hand into Negan’s and walked back to the pick-up truck with him. Dwight sat in the passenger seat and I looked at him with admiration. I wished more than anything that I could read his thought in that moment; what would he want me to tell Sherry?

“I gotta go Doll.” Negan got in the truck and I watched him drive away as the men in the back of the truck waved to loved ones.

* * *

In the room where us wives would all stay, I felt like the odd one out. No one was talking to each other, but I could feel a difference when it came to me. I hated confrontation, but I hated people being mad at me more; “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?” Sherry repeated, “I mean Negan was going to kill them one way or another, so I don’t think it really matters,” She lights a cigarette, “I just hope more of them die, but I guess that’s not up for us to decide.”

Dwight’s concern for me was more founded than ever before, and for every Savior lost, I would carry their blood on my hands forever. I began to doubt my idea, was I too rushed with what would be beneficial. How could I have placed my well-being above others. I knew Negan had gassed me up, and my idea, in theory was a good plan, but would it be worth it if one husband, father, brother died. Was my attack worth risking other lives?

I didn’t know if I would even be welcomed in any other area of the outpost, so I decided to venture outside. I came face to face with Ashley nursing the now almost seven-month-old Nathan, “Well look who the devil dragged in…or out I suppose,” Ashley said with a warm smile, “How are you?” She cooed, while looking down at her sweet baby boy.

“I’m…I'm not really sure how to answer that?”

“Come on, sit down.” Motherhood had seemed to mellow Ashley out. I sat on the same bench side of the picnic table, and stared out at the trees as the suckling sound of a fed baby filled my ears, “I’m sorry about what happened to you; it’s awful.” I only sat; still not sure what Ashley’s motives could be. She unlatched Nathan and covered herself back up; a small burp escaped his tiny mouth and was soon fast asleep in his mother’s arms. “I was an absolute bitch to you, and for that I’m sorry.”

I was stunned by her words, “Oh, um…thank you. I too could have been kinder.”

“How?” She asked, “You tried to warn me of Negan’s reaction to my pregnancy; and in the end, you convinced him to come and even meet our son.” She gently rocked the baby back and forth when he began to stir slightly, “He visits every so often, and it’s nice.”

“I’m glad that he’s bonding with Nathan.” I looked down at the little baby who now had Negan’s dark hair and nose, “he’s really sweet.”

Ashley snorted, “You wouldn’t be saying that when he wakes up all hours of the night hungry. My little piggy loves his food, that’s for sure.” Ashley noticed me staring at the little human nuzzled near her chest, “Do you want to hold him?”

Nathan was placed gently in my arms and overcome with emotion, I began to cry, “What have I done?”

“You don’t have to hold him,” Ashley held out her hands to take him back, but I cradled him closer to me.

“No, it’s not that. I should have just moved on; how could I be so self-absorbed to think that my injuries, that my attack could justify possibly taking Negan from him. Or any child’s father from them.”

Ashley rubbed my back, “Come on Miriam, you should know better by now that Negan doesn’t do anything that Negan doesn’t want to do.”

“I know, Sherry said the same thing, but it doesn’t change the fact that what’s happening right now is all because of me.” I handed Nathan back to Ashely, feeling bad that my tears were staining his small jumper.

Ashley and I sat side by side, two women who knew Negan in ways that most were not privy too, “Try not to worry about the what if’s,” Ashley began, “In the end the only guarantees we have in this world is death.” I nodded in agreement and headed back to my temporary room hopeful that when the sun rose the next day Negan and the rest would return.

I clung to the letter that Negan had left me; I wanted to tear it open to read his words to me, but I knew better. I smiled to myself thinking of Negan reprimanding me if I dared open this letter before I was given permission.

* * *

The third day had come and gone; the mood at the outpost was somber. When a few came to me with questions I didn’t know how to respond. I looked at the faces of the partners left behind, the children without a parent and I wanted to give them the answers we all wanted, but I was just as clueless about the situation.

I found one of the very few men left to protect us, “Have you heard anything?”

“No,” and he returned his attention back to his surveillance duty.

I had debated reading the letter left with me; reading it may answer some questions, but reading it almost meant that Negan wasn’t coming back. I had found a secluded room and sat for a long time starting at the letter in my hands. I traced over Negan’s writing of my name on the front, placing a gentle kiss on the paper and trying to pick up his scent. I flipped it over the envelope wanting to preserve every bit of this letter, even the tape sealed the letter inside. I opened the trifold of paper and read the words:

> _Miriam,_
> 
> _It’d better be at least three days since I last saw you because if I find out it hasn’t, I’ll tan your hide._

I rolled my eyes, even in past tense, Negan still could make me laugh;

> _I know you’re scared and worried, but no matter what the outcome of this attack is I need you to know that I love you and I love you because you helped me to love again. If I had known that you would be in my life one day, then maybe I wouldn’t have killed that asshole, I would have been a better husband and father, but if I hadn’t of done all those things, then maybe we wouldn’t have met at all. For that, I accept my actions, but don’t regret a single thing. When I leave you at the outpost, please know that I don’t want to; I want to be with you, but I need to do this for you, for all of them._
> 
> _We both know I’m an alpha, and the jury is still out if I want to be or feel like I need to be, but either way I am the leader. What happened to you, happened on my watch and until every one of these fuckers are dead, I won’t stop; and that’s on me. If anyone tries to blame you for a single death, you them that this is my fight, for all them._
> 
> _I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again, but I promise that until I take my dying breath you will always be with me. And I hope that I will always be with you._

I clutched the letter close my chest unable to keep the tears at bay; Negan left me with his heart and I couldn’t have asked for more. I folded the letter and put it back in the envelope. I stared up towards the fading sun through a window when I heard a commotion down the hall. I found people giddy, running towards the entrance. I saw Tanya, “There you are. Come on,” she pulled me toward the door, practically prancing, “They’re back.”

The last remaining rays of sun hit my eyes when I exited the building, but there he was, there they all were. Families embraced each other as I ran towards Negan. He caught me as I wrapped my legs around his waist, “I’m back Doll, I’m right here.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and clung tightly. He whispered in my ear, “I love you,” and it was the sweetest words I had ever heard.


	18. Escape

Negan drove us wives back to the Sanctuary, which appeared as we had left it. No signs of a battle even existed; did the Saviors kill the wolves?

“It’s so clean,” I commented once we were all out of the truck. The other wives made their way inside, but I couldn’t help but look around, trying to any signs of death.

Negan took my hand, “Come with me.” We walked together towards the Thunderdome. The rotting lurkers were all still there, but I noticed an unfamiliar one. A black trench coat hung to the frame of a recently reanimated creature. I squinted to try and understand what my eyes were seeing, “Miriam, that’s him.” Negan pointed to the hand of the new addition; there it was, the ‘44’ tattoo. The flesh was now a pale hue of green, but the tattoo was still visible.

I placed a hand over my heart and felt the rapid beating, “It’s…it’s really him?” I kept my eyes fixed on the undead figure before that was once my attacker.

“It is,” Negan squeezed my hand, “I wanted to let you finish him off.” The sounds of cars and trucks bring the remining Saviors back fogged my ability to think about what Negan was giving me and I walked back to see the families heading back to their room.

I looked at the people, their smiling faces showing their joyfulness at being reunited with their partners; children being carried by their fathers and I knew that I needed to let go. It had been months since the attack, and I didn’t know how getting rid of ‘44’ would make a difference. He was, in theory, already dead; would killing the corpse change how I felt. It didn’t when I killed two of my attackers previously, so would it make a difference now.

‘Healing isn’t linear; you will experience setbacks; life goes on and so must you.’ I told myself. I walked over to Negan and stood next to him, quiet for a while. After I found the right words, I looked up at Negan, “I don’t want to…kill him or whatever you call it at this point.”

“Are you sure?” Negan kept his focus on everyone still moving in.

“Yes.”

“Do you want to at least watch me finish him off?”

I contemplated what the worth of it, “You already killed him, so I don’t really see the point. I know he can’t hurt me anymore and I have some peace knowing that at least all of them are dead now.”

Negan wrapped his arm around my shoulder and I nuzzled into his chest. Standing there for a while in the sun’s warmth, I realized that summer was quickly ending and my second year at the Sanctuary was fast approaching. I wanted this new year to be different than the last and knowing that the Wolves had been decimated made it feel possible.

* * *

Negan and I spent the evening together in his room; sitting side by side in his bed reading our books when I looked at my husband, “Negan,”

“Hmm?” His eyes stayed fixed on the book.

“Why were you gone for so long?” I thought about the letter he had written me.

“It was a mess here. I wanted to make sure that everything was cleaned up before everyone returned.”

I closed my book and leaned against the headboard, “Was it scary?”

“I guess?” Negan seemed unfazed by the bloodshed that had occurred.

“Will you tell me what happened?”

Negan put his book down on the nightstand nearest him; looking back at me, he appeared concerned, “You don’t want to know.”

“But I do.” I inhaled deeply, “Will you please tell me?”

“Simon came back about an hour after he left and we waited until dark. No one knew exactly what we were facing. They wanted our guns, but did they need them?” Negan closed his eyes, recalling the events, “Simon was instructed to wait for them by a different entry point. When the Wolves entered, we waited for the right opportunity. We were hidden all throughout the Sanctuary. We tried to use as few guns as possible. Most of the Wolves taken out had their throats slit.” The thought of all the blood created knots in my stomach, “Once it was realized that the line was getting shorter, the Wolves opened fire on us and that’s when things got hazy. It’s hard to think straight in a building when bullets are flying all over. But we did a great job, not one man lost on our side.”

Negan wasn’t going to give anymore, and I knew better than to try and push it, “I’m glad that favor was on our side.”

“It wasn’t favor; it was skill.”

I shrugged my shoulders, “Either way, I’m just glad that we didn’t lose anyone.”

Negan rolled over and gave me goodnight kiss before turning out the lights to sleep. His head was barely on the pillow when I heard the soft sounds of snoring.

* * *

I awoke the next morning being shaken by Sherry, “You need to get up right now.” My eyes were wide and I saw a frantic woman before me, “When was the last time you saw Amber?”

“What? What’s going on?” I rubbed my eyes and tried to get my bearings about me.

Sherry bit the side of the thumb and gnawed on the nail, “Shit. This is bad.”

“Can you tell me what’s going on?” I was startled from my sleep and need more information.

“She’s missing.” Sherry looked over her shoulder, “I don’t even know if Negan knows yet, but I haven’t seen her since we got back yesterday; and Mark’s missing as well.”

“Who’s Mark?” I recalled Amber mentioning the name the day we left for the outpost, but I hadn’t heard it spoken prior to five days ago.

“Mark’s her boyfriend. Or was her boyfriend? I don’t know. I just…we have to find her.”

But it was too late, Negan came storming down the hallway, his heavy boots echoed off the walls. He was outside the living room where us wives were supposed to be, “Where the fuck is everyone?” He came the few steps further to his room, “Mir…” he stopped when he saw Sherry. He picked her up by her shoulders and shook her slightly, the sight made me recoil as he shouted at her, “Where is she?”

Sherry tried twist herself away from him, but his grip was too tight. She gave in to his force, “I don’t know.” He looked at us both, “If I find out…” I was to frighten of the sight I was seeing to say anything. Negan saw my fear as I pulled the covers up higher towards my neck, trying to evaporate into the air. He let go of Sherry’s shoulders and stormed out of his room.

Sherry and I sat on Negan’s bed for a long time until my fear forced the question, “What’s going to happen to them?”

“What do you think?” Sherry furrowed her brow, expressing her annoyance with me, “You’ve been here for a year and a half, or something like that? You know this doesn’t end well for Mark.”

“So, he’s going to kill him.” I tucked my knees up to my chest. I hoped that they wouldn’t be found; maybe they had gotten far enough way that no Saviors would ever find them. I wanted one day of peace, but alas, this world was not built for that.

Negan was gone most of the day with several senior Saviors in search of his missing wife and her former boyfriend. It was late afternoon when Amber came running past the open living room door. The four us that remained shared nervous glances. Negan came huffing past and we could hear some shouting from them both. Amber was brought in front of other wives with Negan holding tight to her upper arm, “Here she is.” Her face was splotchy with her eyes bright red displayed a mixture of fear, regret, and pain.

“I’m sorry Negan, it was my idea. I made me go with me.” Amber pleaded with our husband.

He spoke softly, but clear enough for the rest of us to hear, “Have I ever made you do anything that you didn’t want to do?” Amber shook her head ‘no’. “Did I force you here?” Amber shook her head ‘no’ once again. “Do you want to go out there? Work all day and night trying to get your poor, sick mother her medication? Is that prick worth it?” Negan was half mocking her.

Amber thought for a moment, and then submitted to Negan with downcast eyes, “No,” a single tear rolled down her cheek, “I’ll stay here.” Negan seemed satisfied with her answer and left without another word. Once he was gone Amber wiped the tears from her face and opened a bottle of tequila; she didn’t bother with a glass, instead she took long sips straight from the bottle.

“Jesus Christ, slow down there,” Tanya interjected as the rest of us watched in horror.

Amber’s lips popped off the top, “What difference does it make; he’s going to kill Mark; I just wish I could go with him.”

The question we all wanted to ask, hung in the air, but Sherry was brave enough to ask, “Then why’d you do it?” Amber only shrugged her shoulders and shook her head.

I remembered the conversation I had with Sherry so many months ago, and it wasn’t until now that I realized what she meant. I had a choice to be with Negan; I accepted partially because of my mother’s need for medication, but I did want to be with Negan. I didn’t need to give up someone I loved; I hadn’t been put in a position that had any real consequences for me or my well-being.

Amber was quite a pitiful sight as she drank and sobbed, curled up in an arm chair in the corner. I wanted to comfort her, but what would I say, “ _I know the man you actually love is about to be murdered, but you know, the sun’ll come out tomorrow._ ” I thought it was best to just keep my mouth shut. I spent the rest of the afternoon with the other wives, but it was mostly just us sitting around staring at the walls while Amber continued to drink.

I finally gave up trying to find the right thing to say or do, and decided that I needed some air. As I made my way outside, I ran into Simon; I noticed his shirt was covered in fresh blood, “Pardon me ma’am,” he said with an exaggerated bow. He seemed giddy as he stood in front of me, I assumed covered in Mark’s blood.

I let out a frustrated sigh, “No harm, Simon,” and proceeded past him on my way to get some air. On my way down the stairs, something told me to stop on the second landing. Never really having explored this floor of the Sanctuary I let curiosity get the best of me and I began to look around.

That’s when I found some archaic type of holding cells. Most of the doors were open. I looked inside and saw a small cube, no bigger than three-by-three feet. It was barren, dirty, and there appeared to be dried blood on the floor of the cell I was looking at.

“Anything catch your fancy?” I jumped when I heard Negan’s voice from behind me.

I turned around, expecting Negan to be upset that I was there, but was surprised that he had a sly grin on his face.

“I was just looking around. I’ve never been on this floor before.” I looked up into Negan’s dark eyes, waiting for his mood to shift, to lash out at me; instead, he slung Lucille over his shoulder and walked towards me. He lightly moved the door back-and-forth as we stared at each other for a moment; only the soft screeching metal of the door could be heard.

“You know, I’ve always wanted to try one of the out.” Negan jutted his tongue out to skim his lower lip before biting down on it.

“After everything you went through at ADC, you want to go back into solitary?”

Negan laughed, “Oh sweetheart, sometimes you’re too innocent for this world.” He looped his free arm around my waist before pulling me in towards him. My breath hitched as he placed a sweet kiss upon my lips. When he pulled away, he looked down at me once again, “But something about that look in your eye tells me you’re not so innocent.”

“It might be fun, if it wasn’t so filthy.”

“But the filth is what makes it fun.” Negan gave me a halfcocked smile before placing his hand on the center of my chest. He guided me backwards into the dank cell and began plastering kissing over my neck and jawline. Although Lucille was at his side, he still held onto the bat. He placed her in the corner next to me, “She likes to watch.” His warm kisses took my mind away from all the madness from the several days that proceeded this moment. I leaned into him and wrapped my arms around his neck as Negan pulled me close by my waist.

“Negan,” I moaned as he put his hands under my t-shirt and began to unhook my bra. I unbuttoned the front of Negan’s jeans and reached my hand inside his boxers. Feeling his hard cock, made me wetter. I wanted him inside me _now_! I stepped out of my own pants that Negan had pushed down. He hooked my left leg over his shoulder and gave my pussy long, sloppy, licks. I pushed my back flush against the wall as my hand held tight to the back of his head.

“Does my Doll like that?” I was only able hum in agreement, which caused Negan to press harder onto my clit as he placed three fingers inside me. I dug my nails into the back of Negan’s head, “Damn, sweetheart, you must have really missed me.” He stood up and wiped the slick wetness from his mouth with the back of his hand.

I pulled him towards me by the front of his shirt, “Fuck me.”

“I don’t know, what happened to little miss, 'it’s too filthy in here'?”

I grabbed Negan’s cock in my hands, and began to jerk him off, “Fuck me. Please.”

Negan gave me wide grin, “With pleasure.” He hoisted my legs around his waist and kept my back pushed up against the wall as he thrusted hard and short inside of me. I wanted this feeling to last forever, but I couldn’t hold on any longer and I came. Negan didn’t let up, “We’re not finished here. I want to see you cum again.” I buried my face into his neck and began biting at his flesh; I was overcome with desire and couldn’t control myself. Negan kept at it, determined to make me cum once more before he allowed himself to finish. He pressed his lips towards my ear, “I wanna cum inside you,” I nodded to let Negan know that I wanted him to, and that was enough to push me over the edge. This second orgasm was intense and I couldn’t contain the loud cries of pleasure that emitted from my lips. Negan held me close to him as thrusted into me, finally cumming deep inside. He laid his head in the crook of my neck as his heavy breath traveled down to my breasts.

I didn’t want him to pull away so soon; I held my legs tight around his waist and pulled his lips back up towards me. We kissed a few more times before he pulled out. The warmth of his cum spilled down my leg before I was able to pull my panties back up. “Well, I hope that fulfilled your fantasy.”

He leaned down to kiss me, and gazed into my eyes, “More than you’ll ever know.” Negan and I went our separate ways as he needed to attend to some unfinished business.

I decided to head up to the roof, in lieu of going to the gardens. I sat on the edge of the building and let my feet dangle. I inhaled deeply the warm summer day and smiled as I thought of what just transpired between Negan and myself. I just wanted a moment to breath, to pretend that life was good and normal. I heard the metal door creak open and saw Dwight standing behind me, with Sherry. “Are you two out of your fucking minds?”

They looked at me sheepishly, before Dwight handed me a folded piece of paper, “Please don’t read this right now. And burn it when you’re done.” Sherry kissed my cheek and the two ventured down the fire escape on the side of the building. I waited until I couldn’t see them anymore as they ran on foot.

I went into my room and opened the letter.


End file.
